Propulsion
by 2shy the Shippy
Summary: This is the story of a woman who knows everything and a guy who knows one thing and what it takes for them to finally create something. With a dash of self-reflection, a hint of past transgressions, and a sprinkle of actual discussion, Harvey and Donna tackle hurdles that has stood in the way for years.
1. Intent

"_Here it comes_

_The unavoidable sun weighs my head,_

_And what the hell have I done,_

_And you know,_

_I don't remember a thing_

_I don't remember_

_A thing_"

-"The Sun", The Naked and Famous

**After (Part I)**

_60 hrs_

"Honestly, this is most demoralizing thing that has ever happened to me," Harvey said, as he watched his brother cut up his food.

"_Seriously_?" Marcus chuckled, and then stole bite of Harvey's eggs. "Big brother, for someone so self-important such as yourself, I believe you."

Harvey mock glared at Marcus.

"Give me the fork," he demanded as he held his hand out. Marcus wordlessly handed him the fork as Harvey snatched it from him.

Silently, Harvey struggled to eat with his left hand as his brother watched him. He put down his fork, to pick up his toast, then put that down to drink his juice, and then sat that down to put his fork back up. Luckily, Marcus cut his food into small pieces or eating food would've been a challenge that he doubted he'd won.

"What," he snapped at his younger brother. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Why'd you break your hand," he asked directly.

"I don't want to talk about it," he dismissed. In frustration, Harvey stabbed the sausage on his plate, and then put it in his mouth.

Marcus shrugged. "I don't care, big bro," he declared. "You broke your hand and now I've gotta help take care of you for six weeks. That takes me away from valuable time with my wife and kids."

"Well, don't let me impose," he said. "I'll just hire someone since I'm such a burden."

At this, Marcus glared at his brother. "Cut the bullshit, **Reginald**." Harvey flinched at the use of his middle name. He knew Marcus said it to piss him off. "I don't mind helping of you, but I want to know why you broke your own hand. We don't see each other as often as we should, but I sure as hell know that you don't just punch shit for no reason."

Harvey glanced at his plaster cast, which rested in a sling.

"And you must've been really upset to break your fucking right hand," he stated. "So tell me, why'd you break it?"

Stubbornly, Harvey remained silent as he continued eating his food. He did the math on how much it'd take to hire a nurse to come in the morning and help him get ready for work. Money was nothing for him, but he'd rather think about that than talk to Marcus about what happened with Donna.

"Hell, why am I even bothering," Marcus said. "I'll just call Donna and ask."

No," Harvey basically shouted. Panic radiated from his eyes, but anger was also present on his face. After a moment, he admitted, "Donna left me."

"What?" Marcus tried to process what he just heard. "She…_quit_?"

That didn't sound like Donna. Although he saw Donna less than he did his brother, from what he's seen and even what he's heard about her, Donna was loyal to his Harvey to a fault. She'd do anything for him and put no one above him. It was a fact that she was unapologetic about.

"Yes and no," he said. "She left me to work for Louis."

Marcus raised an eyebrow. "As in Louis Litt?"

"Yes," Harvey confirmed.

"The same Louis Litt whose been dying for your approval and respect," he questioned.

"Yes," Harvey confirmed again. "The one and only."

"The same Louis Litt who is jealous of you and wants what you have," he asked.

"Yes," Harvey answered, this time in annoyance. "No matter how many questions you ask me—it'll still be the same Louis Litt."

Marcus leaned back in his chair as the words finally hit him. "But, Louis, of all people; her quitting altogether is a better alternative than her leaving to work for Louis." With concerned, he asked his brother, "Did she say why she left?"

Harvey looked down at the table. "I'm not talking about it. You asked me why I broke my hand answered you. Let's leave it at that."

"Fine," Marcus said as he ate off of his own plate. "But, if you keep bottling up all of your emotions, one day you're going to burst."

"Thanks, Dr. Phil." Harvey gave a tight lipped smile, and then sipped his juice.

Marcus groaned. "I'm serious, Harvey. All this repression shit—compartmentalizing everything so you don't have to deal with it isn't good for you." He gestured to Harvey's hand as he spoke, "You broke your fucking hand for Christ sakes all because you don't know how to express yourself."

"Like I said, I'm not talking about this." Harvey ignored his brother as he continued eating.

"Don't you have work today," Harvey asked his brother as he channel surfed.

"Don't you," he shot back.

Harvey nodded at Marcus as if to say, '_Touché_.'

"I called Jessica and told her I wasn't coming in to," Harvey explained.

"Was she surprised?" Jessica was a Grade-A workaholic like Harvey and it wasn't often when he took off work. Even Marcus was surprised that Harvey decided to stay at his home instead of going to work.

Harvey smiled. "Yeah," he confirmed. "She's used to me coming in late, but not completely taking the day off unless it's to see dad."

"When's the last time you saw him?"

Although Gordon Specter's death was pretty devastating for the two siblings, Harvey took it the hardest. Harvey went from keeping his emotions guarded to bottling them up completely. He used to be somewhat carefree and would smile frequently. Now, the weight of the world seemed to be on his shoulders and his face gave away nothing.

"A while ago, he said. "Actually, I was planning to visit him soon."

Marcus nodded.

"How about we go see him today," the younger sibling offered.

"Now?"

"Yeah," he confirmed. "Why not?"

Harvey gave the idea some thought, and then looked at Marcus. "Okay," he said slowly.

Twenty minutes later, they were on the road.

As Marcus drove, Marvin Gaye's _What's Going On_ softly played throughout the car.

"So, how'd you break ya hand," Marcus asked, as he looked at the road.

Harvey groaned. "Marcus, let it go," he warned.

Marcus looked at Harvey's arm, and then back at the road. "Harvey, you have two options: the quick and painless way or the hard way. Either tell me now and get it out of the way OR tell me later, but after I pester you nonstop."

Harvey was quiet for so long that Marcus that his brother ignored him. "The night that Donna left…I got drunk at a bar. I don't know how long I was there. All I remember is getting kicked out after punching a guy. At the time, I didn't realize I broke my hand. I thought I just hurt it or some shit. I kinda wandered around Manhattan aimlessly for a while and to clear my head, but I couldn't stop thinking about Donna. I couldn't get her out of my head. And I was so angry—at her, at myself that something snapped in me and I punched a brick wall."

"Oww," Marcus mouthed, as he visibly flinched. "I can't even imagine…"

"Are you sure about that," he chuckled. "I know you didn't forget how you broke your leg."

Marcus guffawed. "Not that I think about it, I can imagine it. Thanks for reminding me, asshole."

Harvey grinned.

"That night was pretty hazy," Harvey admitted. "I was drunk off my ass, but I sobered up quickly after punching that wall."

"I bet," Marcus said. "But, it sure as hell took your mind off of Donna, didn't it?"

Intently, Harvey stared at the road ahead as he involuntarily rubbed his cast, and then his fingers.

"No, not at all."

* * *

Harvey watched a Marcus took his scotch glass and poured some MaCallan in it. Silently, he grabbed the glass from his brother and took a few small sips. For a moment, he stared at the grass as he rested his back against Gordon Specter's headstone.

As usual, visiting his father's grave was a somber affair. It was rare when Harvey and Marcus visited at the same time, but when they did, there weren't many words exchanged between them. There wasn't much they wanted to say anyways. But, every once in a while, they'd converse about their dad. The two brothers would reminisce on the past and the kind of man their father was. Sometimes it made the grieving easier, other times, it made it worse.

Harvey finished his drink and gestured to Marcus to refill his cup.

"What'cha thinking bout?" Marcus looked at his brother intently as he poured.

In thought, Harvey stared at his glass. "It's all bullshit," he said in a quiet tone. "People tell you it'll get better or that the person who died is in a better place, but its just bullshit."

Marcus sipped his drink as he contemplated his response. "Well, telling the grieving that it's all darkness after death isn't all that comforting," he rationalized.

Harvey scoffed. "I'm not talking about whether or not there's an afterlife. People just tell you uplifting, cliché bullshit because either they don't want to deal with a person's grief or they don't know how. So, they tell you whatever they think may bring you comfort, but rather than actually doing it. They think they can fix grief with a few quick words or that you'll get over it with some positive words."

"It's not that, Harvey," Marcus dismissed. "They just want you to know that things get better is all."

"What gets better," Harvey inquired. "Did life get better with dad's death?"

"Wha—Harvey, that's not what I meant and you know it," Marcus said, defensively. "They just mean that grief doesn't last forever—life goes on."

"And that's supposed to be comforting," Harvey said, incredulously. "I'd rather tell someone tell me straight up that death is hard than try to sugarcoat it to lessen the blow. It doesn't get better. Not even a little bit."

"I know you process emotions differently meaning you like to pretend you don't have any," Marcus said. "But, people say it because it helps others. Hearing shit like that feels good and people aren't as devastated."

Harvey looked at Marcus and pointedly asked him, "Did it help you?"

"It's not that simple," Marcus argued.

"Actually, it is. It's a simple yes or no question: did it help you?" Harvey took another sip out of his glass and stared expectantly at Marcus. Marcus bit his thumb as he thought over his response

""I…it—fuck, Harvey! At times, it helped at times," he said, finally. "It didn't help at first, but it did eventually."

"But, did it," Harvey challenged. "Some days are better than others, but did your grief really get better? There are days I can talk about dad, and then there are others like now, where it's hard to talk about him, let alone think about him. And when I look at you sometimes, your grief looks just as fresh as the day he died. That everyday you have to live with the reality that he's never coming back—how does that get easier to deal with?"

"I don't know. I guess they just don't want people consumed by grief," Marcus speculated. "Even though someone you loved died, you can still have a fulfilling life."

"I get that, but lying to me doesn't change that there's a very big gap in my life or—or someone else's life that can never be filled," Harvey explained. "Dad's death, my pain is very real as the moment I found out, but my life still went on. I became a senior partner and now I'm a named partner. You're married, have kids, and own your. So, it's bullshit. You never stop grieving. Never. You just accept it and learn how to live your life without that person."

"So, what inspired this…train of thought," Marcus inquired, as he topped of Harvey's drink.

Harvey sniffed. "Aunt Jackie. During his funeral, I recalled her saying how would shouldn't cry and feel sad about losing dad—we're supposed to celebrate his life. Just the thought of her saying that pisses me off."

"I don't even remember you crying when he died," Marcus admitted.

Harvey gave a small smile. "I remember you being pissed off at me about that too." Marcus chuckled. "I tried not to, but I did—I have. There was one time in front of Donna when she first broke the news: before the funeral…after the funeral. Just never around anyone else."

"I wish you would've cried around me," Marcus admitted. "We could've grieved together."

"We did," Harvey contradicted.

Marcus shook his head in disagreement. "No, I did. I grieved around you and you did it in private. You were so focused on being strong for me that you didn't realized that I didn't need your strength, I just needed you."

Firmly, Harvey pressed the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb.

"I'm sorry, Marcus," Harvey apologized.

"For what?" Marcus bit his lip. "It took me a while to understand that people cope differently and you did the best you could. I didn't appreciate it back then, but despite my feelings about mom during that time, she did try to be there for us."

At this, Harvey's jaw tightened. "Please don't bring that woman up—she's not worth wasting any breath over."

"I don't hate her, you know," Marcus admitted. "I don't think I ever did; I just thought I was supposed to because dad was heartbroken and you hated her."

"She broke dad's heart, Marcus," Harvey reminded. "She cheated with that professor guy for two years."

Marcus sighed. "Harvey, I know that; you don't need to remind me."

"Clearly, I do," he disputed. "She didn't care that she broke dad's heart or that it crushed him when she left. And she sure as hell didn't care about the fallout from her leaving not just him, but you too."

"And you," Marcus added. "She left you too. But, she wasn't the only one to leave."

"Marcus," Harvey said in a voice that sounded like a warning. "Are you going to hold that over my head for the rest of my life?"

"Are you going to hold it over her head for the rest of her life," he shot back.

Angrily, Harvey glared at his brother as he used his father's headstone as support to help him up. Once Harvey got up, he paced back and forth in front of Marcus.

"I was just a kid—she wasn't," Harvey said. "For two years, I lived with her secret and when dad found out, I felt like shit. I felt like I disappointed him and I didn't know how to deal with it. I came back, she didn't."

Marcus looked at up Harvey as he spoke, "Can you blame her? We hated her."

"She'd made her bed," Harvey retorted. "You can't hurt people, leave, and then expect them not to hate you. She hurt dad—he did nothing to deserve that."

"She hurt you," Marcus corrected.

"No, she hurt dad," Harvey said vehemently. "You know that. You had to live with that, which you never let me forget."

As if to even the playing field, Marcus stood up. He looked at his brother for a moment, and then the ground.

"Dad was the one who was cheated on, but he took it way better than you ever did." Harvey mentally recoiled at Marcus' words. "Like you said, I was there, you _weren't_. So, don't go extrapolating to me about the fallout in wake of her departure. It was hard, okay? I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But, I'm older now and that life seems like another life—I've gained perspective. Your anger at mom wasn't just about dad, it was also about her disappointing you."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Harvey spat.

Marcus sadly smiled. "But, don't I? Second from Donna, I'm the one who knows you best. Even then, she only knows the product that you've molded yourself into. But, me, I was right there by your side as the shit went down and watched how you changed before my eyes. So yeah, I know what the fuck I'm talking about."

Unlike other people, Marcus was there to see the evolution of his brother from a young child to a grown man. He knew who Harvey was before the cockiness and bravado; before the swagger and the girls; before the guardedness and the fears; before the compartmentalization and suppressed emotions. Marcus knew him before all of this.

Harvey fooled other people, but he couldn't fool someone who'd been there since the beginning.

"I overheard mom and dad talking once and you know what she said," Marcus asked, as he walked closer to Harvey. "_As cold as it sounds, if I'd known Harvey would spend the rest of his life hating me, I never would've cheated_."

"Is this supposed to make me sympathetic for her?" Harvey stared at Marcus incredulously. "She didn't cheat on me, she cheated on him!"

"No, you don't get it, do you," Marcus yelled. "For someone so goddamn smart, you're so goddamn dense. You have these impossible standards, Harvey—even when you were younger—and if someone failed live up to them, that meant that they failed you. I love you, brother, but it's not easy being on the opposite side; your love is tough love. With mom, you shut her out once she disappointed you for the last time. With me, it was the quiet disappointment. I could read your thoughts and how you thought I could be doing so much more with my life. With dad, you made him feel like he failed you as a parent because he didn't handle mom leaving very well."

"I made dad feel like he failed me," Harvey said in disbelief. "Now, you're just pulling shit out of your ass."

"Harvey, YOU. WEREN'T. THERE. I was!" Marcus pointed to himself as he spoke. "Dad loved mom—she was his world and he was devastated when she left and, although it wasn't pretty; you don't get to use his devastation as an example of weakness. You took that one moment in his life and molded yourself into being everything he wasn't. You loved him, but you couldn't be weak like him. How do you think that made him feel, huh? Even though mom was the one who cheated and left, for one nanosecond, you managed to make dad feel worse than she ever did—you made like shit for daring to be heartbroken."

"You know what, fuck you," Harvey spat as he jabbed a finger at Marcus. "Don't try to use dad as some way of getting back at me for leaving. I thought that we were past that, but if you have something to me, then say it—just don't hide behind dad to do it."

Marcus sighed in frustration as he ran a hand through his hair.

"It's time we forgive her, Harvey," Marcus whispered. "Haven't we punished her enough? Not only was the villain in the story, which you made sure of, she lost her kids as well. We didn't see her. We didn't talk to her. We barely even acknowledged that she existed. We still do. For two and a half decades, we've punished her—enough is enough."

Appalled, Harvey wordlessly stared at his brother.

"Forgive her? Are you listening to yourself right now," Harvey asked pointedly. "Marcus, it wasn't just the adultery. When she didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore, she became an alcoholic; when she couldn't be that anymore, she begged dad to fund her college education to escape her life; when that wasn't enough, she fucked her professor for two goddamn years. Mom was selfish—it was all about her wants and needs the rest of us be damned. People who reward loyalty like that aren't worth my time."

Harvey snatched the MaCallan from Marcus and gulped deeply.

Silently, Marcus stared at Harvey for a long time, and then reached for the bottle. Harvey waved him away and drank out of the bottle again. Marcus understood Harvey's anger, but it was to the detriment of his own personal life. They needed to talk about their mother in a productive way. This talk was a long time coming, but he didn't know how to get through to Harvey. His older brother had so much hate built up inside him for their mother that Marcus was discouraged from being it up for a long time, but not anymore. He knew for a fact that it'd be beneficial for them to actually discuss their mom as well as extend a hand to her. Besides, she was their only living parent and, although she made some mistakes, they weren't anything that couldn't be forgiven. Ultimately, Marcus couldn't hate her for the rest of his life nor could he pretend to. He wanted to a relationship with his mom, which he didn't need Harvey to do, but he'd wanted Harvey to have one with her as well.

But, Harvey's stubbornness wouldn't allow it. He'd rather suffer than allow their mother back into his life. Before Jessica funded his Harvard education, their mother offered. By the time Harvey graduated from NYU, despite still being heartbroken, Gordon forgave his ex-wife Lily for her infidelity. Since Harvey refused to see her, and Marcus followed his older brother's lead, Lily didn't have any contact with her kids. Gordon, being the kindhearted and sympathetic man that he was, kept her in the loop. He updated her on current events and sent her pictures of holidays, birthdays, and graduations. It was after Lily inquired about Harvey's application status for Harvard that she found out Harvey got in, but couldn't attend.

Immediately, grief hit her. Not only did she and Gordon use their savings to fund her education, he gave up his music career to work two jobs to support her as well as took out loans. The plan was for her to help fund Marcus and Harvey's college education once she graduated, but by the end of Harvey's senior year in high school, they'd separated and her kids wanted nothing to do with her, especially Harvey.

Harvey worked and saved up all throughout college, so he could help his father with the payments once he got accepted to Harvard. Harvey worked his ass off since he knew he wouldn't be able to keep any real paying job and be a full time student there. But then, Gordon got incredibly sick and left work due to disability, which meant he couldn't help fund Harvey's law education. This news brought huge distress to Lily and she argued night and day with her boyfriend, Walter Beckford, the man who she cheated on Gordon with, to fund Harvey's schooling. She'd cried and pleaded and said she'd pay Walter back even if it took the rest of her life.

When she offered Harvey the money, he told her to keep the check—he didn't want her money and would find another way to get it. Harvey told her he didn't need her help and to stay out of his life.

Harvey knew he should've postponed school back then and been there for his father and brother, but he went to school as scheduled. He didn't know how to help his brother and couldn't face his dad. Occasionally, he'd call and visited every once and a while, but they all knew that he'd left to escape. Harvey could've come around more, but he didn't.

By the time he did, the transition he started his junior year in high school, was completed his sophomore year in college: he'd became the Harvey Specter as people knew and loved today. It was then that he started to come home more and sort through the rubble to find a sense of normalcy.

"Will you give this loyalty bullshit a rest," Marcus said in disgust. "You can't even reach the fucking standard you hold everyone else to, but yet; you're upset when people can't meet your expectations."

Harvey froze for a moment, and then slowly approached his brother. "This _loyalty bullshit_," he asked in a low voice. "You mean that same loyalty bullshit you hold over my head because I left home after I graduated—that loyalty bullshit?"

"No, the loyalty bullshit where no one can fuck up or you'll cut them off," Marcus said. "You left when dad was at his worst and when I needed someone the most; where's the loyalty in that? By your standards neither dad nor I should've ever forgiven you. But, we did. You came back and we forgave you. It's not too much to ask that, after over two decades, you forgive our mother for not being perfect."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me, Marcus," Harvey said incredulously. "You're honestly comparing me going away to college and not wanting to deal with the fallout from HER actions to mom abandoning the family after she cheated on dad as a reason why I should forgive her? Very compelling argument—a sound one too. Maybe you should've gone to law school instead."

"So, cheating is an unforgivable act," Marcus asked. "That's something that can't be forgiven, right?"

Harvey sighed. "Marcus…"

"Right," Marcus interrupted Harvey.

"Look, I didn't come here to argue—"

"Francie _isn't_ mine," Marcus admitted.

Harvey snapped his neck to look at Marcus. "What did you just say?"

"My little girl isn't mine, Harvey," his voice cracked, as he scratched the back of his head. "Trina cheated on me. I hate it—I hate that another guy had my wife and—and—and that he put a child in her. _**My **_daughter. But, I hate myself even more because I wasn't there for her. I neglected my duty as her husband to gamble away our money. So, even if the signs had been there, I wasn't around to witness any of it. I was so out of control, Harvey, so out of control; it was worse than I led you to believe." Tears welled in his eyes as he thought about his wife's infidelity.

"She told me that before I got my shit together, she thought about leaving. It wasn't to be with that other guy, but that she was unhappy and hated herself for letting another man touch her. She was lonely and emotionally weak and it was the only attention that she'd received. Coincidentally, I quit gambling and opened the restaurant to prove that I didn't want to lose her due to the gambling and she kept quiet about her infidelity and stayed: we were happy again. In the back of her mind, she suspected I wasn't Francie's father; she just didn't want it to be true. But, after a while, she couldn't deal with the uncertainty and how she could've been lying to me about our daughter's paternity, so she got the test, then told me everything. She told me that, for four years, I raised a child that DNA tests said wasn't mine. I was so angry and lost—I hated Trina. I stayed with dad for a few weeks, but visited the kid's everyday. Although a part of my questioned Michael and Haley's paternity, I treated them the same, but I didn't know how to act around Francine.

"Then one day dad said, '_Forgive the woman already_.' I looked at him like he was crazy because, well, Trina cheated on me and Francie wasn't mine. My only real choice was for me to leave, which dad and I already spoke about. But, dad wasn't having that, he said that he knew I idolized you, but that you didn't always have the answers and weren't always right. I didn't want to leave Trina because there wasn't any hope for our marriage; I was leaving her because that's what you'd tell you to do. But, that it was MY life not yours. **MINE**. And if I was really going to leave Trina, then why didn't I tell you about her infidelity? And it was because I didn't want to leave Trina. If I told you, our divorce would've been real. Dad said he knew he didn't handle mom leaving well, but he forgave her. He said, '_I wish I 'd taught Harvey that love and emotions aren't weaknesses; I wish I 'd taught him that forgiveness isn't weakness either. You can't measure strength by lack of vulnerability.'_ He forgave mom not for her, but for himself. He knew that needed to move on even though he wasn't a hundred percent over her. So, although Trina messed up, he knew I still loved her and that I shouldn't give up on my marriage because of what you thought.

"And it's taken me years to see it, but you don't know how to love someone if they've hurt you. You think that if a person loves you, they'll never hurt you and that's why you don't know how to forgive, which is why you can't forgive mom. Because either she you never loved you, which she proved by when she tore our family apart by cheating on dad, or you have to accept that sometimes the people we love are the very same people capable of hurting us the most. Since you can't accept that, you've avoided any meaningful relationships because the idea of someone you loving and caring for potentially hurting you isn't something you can handle. And that's why you harp on loyalty as if it's going out of style: it's all or nothing. You can't be a little bit loyal—it's either you are or you aren't and it's a very black and white thing, which is how you deal with relationships. But, if dad and I can forgive mom and Trina, despite our hurt, why can't you forgive anyone? Why can't you forgive mom?"

Overwhelmed, Harvey blankly stared at Marcus as he tried to process his brother's thoughts, feelings, and accusations.

As he turned over Marcus' words in his head, he felt anger build within him. In Harvey's mind, he felt attacked and blamed for what happened to their family. Their mother tore their family apart, but yet; he seemed to be at fault for wanting nothing to do with her. Whether she left because felt unwanted or because she wanted to be with her lover, no one prevented her from coming back. It didn't matter how angry Harvey was, if she loved them, she could've returned and fought for them. But, she didn't. She chose to stay out of their lives for 25 years.

He _came_ back and dealt with the consequences of his actions, she _didn't_.

He **came** back.

But, all dad and Marcus saw was that he didn't want her around because he couldn't forgive her.

"Marcus, if you want to forgive her, that's your business," Harvey began. "But, let's not forget: she was a serial cheater. Mom cheated on her boyfriend at the time with dad, and then cheated on dad with that professor. It's in her nature to hurt people for her own benefit, so pontificate all you want, but the evidence speaks for itself."

"No, the evidence states that she was a serial cheater, the rest is speculative bullshit," Marcus argued.

"Look, Marcus, I've done just fine without her in my life these past 25 years—that's not changing anytime soon."

Marcus groaned. "Harvey…"

"I'm ready to go," he said in a clipped tone.

Marcus wanted to protest again, but knew it was futile. He tried; the best he could hope was that it'd eventually resonate with his brother.

* * *

In boredom, Marcus dipped his fry in ketchup and slowly circled it around in the sauce.

Since Marcus had a few drinks at the cemetery and Harvey couldn't even drive if he wanted to, they decided to get something to eat as they sobered up. More like, Marcus decided to eat and Harvey silently went along with it. Since he told his brother he wanted to leave, Harvey hadn't said a word to him.

"Ignore me all you want, Harvey, but I'm not sorry," Marcus said, as he leaned back into his seat. "I just can't live my life like this: a world where you always feel the need to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment. You say you want to feel real things like grief, but you won't allow yourself to feel those other things."

Harvey stopped chewing his hotdog and clenched his jaw.

"You changed after mom left, but it wasn't until sometime after dad died that you refused to let others in." Marcus dropped the fry and took a sip of his coffee. "And I could never pinpoint just exactly what triggered it. I couldn't figure out what happened to you."

"What's to figure out," Harvey said suddenly. "Emotions make you weak."

"Like dad," Marcus supplied.

Harvey narrowed his eyes at Marcus. "No, not like dad," he said sternly. "You and dad always assumed I broke up with Kirsten because of the family drama surrounding mom's infidelity, but that's not what happened," Harvey explained. "I confided in Kirsten about what was going on at home and how it made me feel. For a while she was there for me, and then one day she said it was all too much and that she needed to focus on herself. But, what it really was was that she no longer wanted to deal with my shit and told her new fucking boyfriend about my personal business. Before I knew it, the whole school was whispering about Harvey Specter's slut of a mom. And it got to me—it always did. So, no, I don't think emotions makes a person weak because dad got his heartbroken; I think it makes a person weak because it leaves them vulnerable."

Suddenly, Harvey's running away to college all made sense: Harvey didn't just leave because he felt guilty about keeping quiet about their mother's infidelity; he left for himself as well. Harvey had suffered a major blow with his career ending injury, but he was being whispered about and taunted at school as well about a very serious personal matter. During that time, home reminded of him of nothing but bad memories and he needed to escape and deal with his demons somewhere else.

Harvey being Harvey, he didn't want to burden his brother or dad about his own personal problems. Besides, it wasn't as if any of them could really do anything to prevent teens from being cruel. Harvey's only option was to leave.

"And dad's death left you vulnerable," Marcus concluded.

"People think that lawyers are the scum of the earth because either we're seen as heartless or like giant assholes," Harvey began. "But, that's the nature of the beast. No successful lawyer isn't a little bit of both at any given time and that's not just with the client, that's with other attorneys as well."

Marcus looked at Harvey in confusion.

"I had my grief used against me," he admitted. "Someone used my emotions to manipulate me to gain an advantage."

"That was a shitty thing to do," Marcus said.

Harvey shrugged. "It's a regular business practice for some."

"Doesn't make it right," Marcus argued.

"I didn't say that," Harvey said. "I can't control how people function, but I can control how I react to them."

"By pretending you don't feel shit," Marcus, said incredulously. "I can tell you right now, it ain't working."

"Marcus…"

"Harvey," his brother interrupted. "Pretending you don't have emotions is one way to deal, but it's not healthy."

"I know you call yourself looking out for me," Harvey began. "But, I'm fine."

"No, you aren't Harvey," Marcus said adamantly. He insecurely leaned forward towards Harvey when people turned their heads to the table, and then lowered his voice. "You aren't. You devote yourself to your job than actually have and explore relationships that are worthwhile because you're afraid of someone taking advantage of your emotions. But, I promise you, it's worth it."

"So, Trina cheating on you was worth it?" Harvey looked Marcus square in the eyes as he wiped his mouth. "Is that what you're telling me?"

Marcus balled his hand into a fist. "You know what, fuck you, Harvey," he spat. "Don't you dare use my pain as ammunition against me to support your bullshit outlook on life."

"I just asked a simple question," Harvey said innocently.

"Why are you being an ass when I'm just trying to help," Marcus asked. "Yeah, Trina cheated, but our marriage is now stronger than ever. But, what do you have—no wait, _**who**_ do you have?"

Harvey scratched his beard, and then stared at his younger brother. "What you think because you have someone that you're somehow in a better position than me? You're wife fucked another man, and then had you raise that man's child. You didn't stay because you loved Trina, you stayed because you're weak."

Marcus was infuriated. "I asked who do_ you_ have? Is it Scottie? Hold on a minute, that's over, but anyone with two eyes knew that that relationship wasn't going to work," he said with an indifferent shrug. "That Zoe woman? Oh yeah, the timing was off with her. Now that I think about it, the last serious relationship you had before Scottie was back when you were an ADA, which was over a decade ago. Am I right?"

"I don't know," Harvey lied.

"You don't know," Marcus scoffed. "You can deny it all you want, but I know the truth—everything you are is because you don't want to end up like dad. Sure, it's part Kirsten and parts all of that other bullshit, but it's also part of you being afraid of loving someone like dad loved mom. You're afraid of being 'weak', but guest what: you're already there."

In response to this, Harvey laughed. "Whatever you say, Marcus."

"_Whatever you say, Marcus_," he mocked. "You got drunk, broke your arm, took a very expensive taxi ride to my home, and then skipped work all because Donna left you. If you ask me, that math is pretty simple, but you aren't even using the right formula to solve a basic problem that everyone else has figured out."

"Oh yeah, and what is that," Harvey asked in mock interest.

Marcus sardonically chuckled. "Do you really need for me to spell it out?"

"Come on, Marcus, you were doing so well—keep your metaphors together: are we doing math or language?"

"You've paid Donna out of pocket for years even when you no longer had to, she's privy to all of your personal even when it's unrelated to work, you buy her expensive purses and let her parents use your condo that one time, and beat that guy Stephen's ass for making her cry. And that's just everything I can think of off of the top of my head. If emotions make you weak, Harvey, you're pretty fucking weak right now. I want to see how weak you become; I want to see how long it takes before you fall apart at the seams and grovel at her feet. Because it's obvious that you'd give her the world if she asked and it's not because of her fantastic secretarial skills—it's because you're in love with her."

Without missing a beat, Harvey said, "No shit, Sherlock. You think you're telling me something I don't already know?" He looked at his watch, and then threw a couple singles on the counter. "Come on, we've got to get going."

* * *

For most of the ride they rode in silence on the way to Marcus' home.

As much as Marcus was surprised at Harvey's revelation and wanted to hear more, he was upset at his brother. There was a reason why he kept Trina's infidelity a secret for years and he didn't appreciate it being used against him when all he was trying to do was help.

After giving their diner discussion some thought, Harvey concluded that he'd been an asshole to Marcus. Well, he knew it even during the time, but he crossed a line he shouldn't have. Harvey knew that his brother loved his wife and that it had to be a big thing for him to keep her infidelity a secret him, and then eventually tell him as a way to understand the power of forgiveness even with a huge betrayal.

"I'm sorry," Harvey apologized. "What I said was…out of line."

"Yeah, it was," Marcus, agreed.

"Like I said, lawyers can be assholes and, sometimes, we don't know how to turn it off or just leave it at work," he explained.

"To be fair," Marcus began. "You were an asshole even before you became a lawyer."

Harvey laughed. "And it's landed me the title of best closer in Manhattan."

At this, Marcus smiled. Although he wanted Harvey to have more out of life than just his job, being a lawyer truly made him happy. He worked his ass off to get where he was and Marcus was proud of his older brother. Harvey missed plenty of birthdays, holidays, and family functions, but he was really passionate about the law and building his career. Even though this upset Marcus at times, he knew that not many things made Harvey happy like the law other than Donna.

"Did you tell her," Marcus inquired.

Harvey stared at Marcus in confusion for a moment before catching his drift.

"Yes," he tightly replied.

In disbelief, Marcus momentarily took his eyes off of the road and looked at Harvey. "You've got to be shitting me. What did she say?"

"She said that '_this wasn't working for her anymore'_ and that she didn't want my pity," he said, as he stared out of the window.

"Harvey," Marcus said to get his brother's attention. The older man ignored him. "Harvey, what happened?"

Tightly, Harvey shut his eyes and clenched his jaw. Very slowly, he shook his head before he looked at his brother. "As smart as Donna is, she can make some really fucking stupid decisions," he began. "A few days ago, she got into some very serious trouble and all I knew was that I needed to fix it—I didn't care how just as long as I did it. I didn't want to think about what would happen if I couldn't. I didn't even want to consider it. Donna was scared and—and I couldn't process it; I didn't know how. All I knew was that I just needed it fixed, so that everything could go back to normal. And that's what I did."

"Then, what's the issue? Why does she think you pity her," Marcus asked.

"The hell if I know," he said angrily. Marcus gave him a knowing look. "Fine. Because I told her that I loved her to make her feel better."

"Harvey," Marcus said, appalled. "Did you literally say that to her?"

"Yes," he replied.

"No wonder she left." Marcus looked at Harvey as if he was crazy.

Harvey glared at brother. "What in the fuck did you just say?"

"Harvey, you don't tell people you love them to make them feel better," Marcus explained. "It's fucked up."

"I didn't tell Donna that I loved her to make her feel better," Harvey said defensively. "I said it to comfort her, which I tried to clarify."

At Harvey's statement, Marcus looked at his brother incredulously. "What's the fucking difference? I know you're a hotshot lawyer and you all have a way with words, but bullshit is bullshit, brother."

"You want to know the fucking difference," Harvey spat out. "Intent. What purpose would it serve for me to tell Donna that I loved her after I got her off? What would I be making her feel better about, Marcus? Explain to me how in the hell that makes sense?" Harvey ran a hand through his hair as he spoke. "Before I got her case dismissed, Donna asked me to comfort her and I didn't have the time. But, after the case, I wanted her to know—I told her that she never has to feel scared of anything. Because I'll—I'll always be there to protect her and that… her faith in me mattered because she was different," Harvey said as vulnerability laced his voice.

Marcus softened at the explanation. "Then you told her you loved her to comfort her."

For a moment, Harvey thought about it. "Yes…no. I was on my way out the door and she asked why she was different. I—I don't even know why she asked because Donna knows how I feel about her—she knows and I told her that. But, she nodded her head no and I told her that she knew I loved her." He sighed, and looked at his cast. "But, maybe she didn't. Its just…Donna knows everything; she knows me. But, then she came into my office and began making accusations and I misspoke. After that, I couldn't say shit because she was furious with me. I…I thought we wanted the same thing, but then she told me that it wasn't working for her anymore and that she was going to work for Louis." Tiredly, Harvey rubbed his face. "I really don't feel like talking about this."

"Are you in the mood for debating," Marcus asked with a slight grin. "Because we still haven't settled the Isley Brother versus the Temptations."

At this, Harvey smiled.

"I don't even understand how this is a debate," he said in disbelief. "I won't deny the Temptations their credit as well as influence, but the Isley Brothers are the clear cut winners."

Unbelievingly, Marcus stared at his brother. "Clear cut? Not only did the Temptations chart better back then, they were the more popular group. They had hits for days and you'd find more people who could name their songs than you could for the Isley Brothers."

"Sure, if we're just talking about popularity," he argued. "But, the Temptations were signed with Motown who was known as Hitsville during its heyday. Berry Gordy refused to put out a song if he believed that it wouldn't chart well. Because of this, I'd argue that since the Temptations didn't write most of their songs, but Smokey Robinson as well as other on staff writers at Motown, their success was created rather than something that was authentic to them as a group like the Isley brothers."

"That is such bullshit, Harvey," Marcus stated.

"Admit it," Harvey said. "The Temptations were just another pop act and had a difficult time sustaining that success after Motown's golden age ended. Although the Isley Brothers weren't as nearly successful as the Temptations, their success centered around their own creative output, also, many of their songs are sampled today…

* * *

_87 hrs_

"I've never cared for _Twilight Zone_," Jessica began as she stared pointedly at Harvey. "But, I can't shake the feeling that I'm in the newest episode."

Harvey raised an eyebrow at her statement as he stared back at the older woman.

"I've never cared for it either," he replied. "I'm a _Star Trek_ man myself."

Jessica slowly nodded at his remark as if he provided insightful commentary. For a moment, she remained silent as she looked at the named partner, and then raised an eyebrow at his arm.

"So, I take it that this is bad," she surmised. Slowly, she walked towards Harvey as she tried to feel out the situation: Donna left Harvey to work for Louis. Jessica sat on the couch opposite of Harvey.

Although Jessica liked Donna, she wasn't enamored with her like Harvey and Louis were. The managing partner believed that Donna was incredibly good at her job and, perhaps even, the best secretary in Manhattan. Despite this, she didn't understand the worship Harvey and Louis constantly gave her. It baffled her. Donna did what most people do who are successful at their jobs: she networked. Donna observed her environment around her; met and befriended all of the right people; did and asked for favors at the right time. She made herself invaluable and sought after, but she was the one who chose who she worked for not the other way around.

It was admirable, but that's it.

Although the fascination with Donna baffled Jessica, she understood the secretary leaving Harvey had very real consequences that didn't just extend to Harvey. Jessica wasn't one to meddle in small things like a secretary leaving to go to greener pastures, but Donna's departure influenced the relationship between two of the three named partners and potentially office politics at large. If this were a contained situation, she'd try to make Harvey see perspective and deal with his emotions in a productive way (as productive for Harvey Specter as he could get). But, it wasn't: Louis and Harvey's relationship couldn't be described as smooth sailing and she only saw it getting worse with the recent development.

Harvey was an asshole; yes, that's right, even SHE, Jessica Pearson thought that Harvey was an asshole, but Louis loved to antagonize people. As much as Jessica believed that Donna might have a calming influence on him, Louis was who he was. He antagonized to celebrate. He antagonized to punish. He antagonized just because.

Louis' constant need of acceptance not only defined him as a person, but his career as well. He didn't understand the nuisances of human interaction or office politics and how to play the game. This lack of understanding, which robbed him of foresight, was the reason his reputation and career wasn't where he wanted it to be. His constant need of approval was why he never was going to get the respect he felt he deserved, especially from Harvey—most importantly from Harvey.

Louis didn't take Donna—she willingly went to him. Although Jessica didn't know the specifics, she did know that Louis tried for years to poach her, which never yielded any results, until recently. Even then, Donna left because she because she wanted to.

Again, she didn't like to meddle: they were all fucking adults and should know how to handle their own shit.

But, this was different.

Way different.

A dangerous game was being played, which she doubted that any of the major players knew the rules.

Louis thought he won because Donna worked for him, but he only saw the situation as black and white; he didn't understand the grey area. He didn't understand the complexities of Harvey and Donna. There were layers and unexplored areas and carefully drawn lines that all stood out in vibrant colors. Louis wasn't able to process this—he couldn't because his world was about acceptance NOT about understanding other perceptions besides his own.

So, he couldn't understand them because he couldn't see their world. And Jessica didn't completely understand it herself, but she saw it and knew that all wasn't what it seemed. Louis saw a man who didn't appreciate a secretary/friend he coveted; Jessica saw an unconventional and co-dependent relationship between a boss and his secretary that neither wanted to acknowledge, but thrived because of it.

And now something's changed in a major way.

Since Donna left opposed to being fired, it'd be easier to blame Harvey for whatever went wrong, but knowing them, it wasn't that cut and dry.

Jessica wouldn't be in Harvey's apartment if it were.

"Jessica," he said in a low voice. "I'm not talking about this."

"Yes, you are," she said. "We've already had enough shit happen at this law firm in addition to that other situation that keeps giving and I'm sick and tired of it; we're going to deal this right here and right now."

Perhaps it was her recent break up with Jeff or the fact that her law firm had focused more time and energy on fighting off hostile takeovers, keeping Mike's secret a secret, and going to jail, which prevented her from waiting a few days and having a gentler touch, but Jessica had enough of it. They were going to address the elephant in the room and they were going to move on because her law firm was having a fresh start. Regardless of how Pearson Specter Litt came to be, it wasn't going to implode because of a secretary, no, it was going to grow stronger due to Harvey's closing abilities, Louis' trial expertise, and her strategizing. They were stronger together than they were separately and Jessica needed to get Harvey to see that. She was going to talk to Louis as well, but Harvey was the rational one of the two and needed to be dealt with first.

"I know you and Donna have a long, complicated history," Jessica began as she crossed her legs. As if trying to escape, Harvey got up and walked to the opposite side of his place. "But, I need to know that this isn't going to affect the firm."

"You mean that you need to know that I'm not going to act out or lash out at Louis and bring the wrong kind of attention on the firm," he deduced.

Jessica nodded. "I remember when I used to have to spell it out for you."

"Ha ha," Harvey said. "You see, that's not funny because I said 'ha ha' rather than actually laughing."

Jessica silently laughed as she shook her head. "Your insistence on explaining your jokes as if they're as clever as you like to believe never cease to amuse me."

"As clever is still clever," he countered.

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day," she replied.

Harvey ignored her jab. "Is that all you came here for?"

"No," she stated. "As a named partner, you already know that comes with different and bigger responsibilities. I've repeatedly explained that I need you to care about people other than yourself as well as the firm."

"Is this going anywhere because I know all of this?" Harvey sat back down on the couch across from Jessica.

"Harvey," Jessica said slowly. "I know you think you've got this, but I need you to have your shit together," she stressed. "You're not only one of the faces of Pearson Specter Litt, you're a leader as well. Even though some of our lawyers may not like you, they respect you and they follow your lead. I let you get away with being your own little island for a long time, but your actions have far larger consequences as a named partner. Now I need you to show me you care about the firm you fought to have your name on."

"Meaning?" Harvey leaned forward and rested his left arm on his left knee.

"There is a difference between saying you'll have your shit together and actually having your shit together," she explained. "Now more than ever, your actions aren't just reflective of yourself, but your fellow named partners and the firm at large. Understand?"

Harvey nodded, and then leaned back into the couch. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Although he'd been partner for a while, it was one thing to fight an external, professional conflict and another to fight an internal, personal conflict, especially when it came to Donna. She was his professional and personal wrapped into one and it was obvious to anyone who knew them that she was his constant. Whenever something compromised their relationship, Harvey acted out in various ways, but this time, she left.

**She** _left_.

How was he going to deal?

"Take a day," she suggested

"I've taken two," Harvey refuted.

"Then take a week," she insisted.

Harvey opened his eyes and looked at Jessica. "I could take 365 days and that wouldn't be enough," he countered.

"Then, what is," she inquired, as she looked at him.

Harvey shrugged. "I don't know."

"Then find out," Jessica said in an authoritative tone. "I know—I **KNOW—**that she's important to you, Harvey, but I've worked way too hard and way too long to get where I am that I shouldn't have to constantly worry about bullshit like my firm on the verge of imploding every few months, especially over a secretary. Fix it."

Silently, Harvey stared at Jessica as he clenched his jaw.

Jessica inwardly screamed, and then closed her eyes to calm herself. _Why does he have to be so damn stubborn?_

She narrowed her eyes as she looked at her partner. "I don't know who's to blame and, quite frankly, I don't give a damn. But, you and Donna better work your shit out and, if you can't, then you better keep it professional. This is a law firm not a goddamn soap opera, constant drama won't entertain our clients and it sure as hell doesn't pay."

Harvey nodded his head. "Noted."

"Take care of it, Harvey," Jessica warned one last time, before she turned and exited his apartment.

* * *

_108 hrs_

As soon as Harvey stepped off of the elevator, eyes instantly gravitated to him.

The lawyers, paralegals, and secretaries noticed not only his broken hand in a sling, but his bearded face as well, which he hadn't shaved since Saturday. Harvey planned to shave it that morning, but he woke up late and didn't want to rush his hired help with something like that.

Next to him stood his temporary typist until he was able to use his hand again. The man was an out of work stenographer looking to make some quick cash. Luckily for him, Harvey also paid well and offered to pay even better based of his accuracy and note taking skills.

Harvey walked past his desk and saw a temp secretary sitting at Donna's desk. His stomach turned at the site, but he went to his office and got to work. Although he was distracted, Harvey separated his work into manageable pieces. He returned the necessary phone calls and went over the cases that needed immediate attention. He wasn't due in court or negotiating sessions soon, but he had a system he liked to stick to in order to ensure that he was on top of his game.

People talked and said a lot about him, but they didn't know how hard Harvey worked to get where he was; they didn't know how hard he worked to make everything he did look effortless.

Being a lawyer wasn't just about billable hours; it was about understanding the clients' needs, knowing the intricacies of those specific laws that you were trying to apply, negotiating, and so forth. It was about knowing how to bring clients in and keep them. It was about knowing when to talk law and knowing when to woo them. Harvey understood this.

"Mr. Specter," the temp stood in the doorway.

Harvey signaled for the stenographer to stop.

"Yes," he replied.

"Ms. Pearson would like to see you in her office now," he said.

Automatically, Harvey's hand rubbed his face as he mentally prepared himself for their discussion. He took a deep breath, and then went to her office.

"I heard that you made an appearance at the office, but I wanted to see if it was true," Jessica said, as she crossed her hands and looked at Harvey. "I see you didn't take that week like a suggested."

"It was either let the work pile up or have some other lawyers look over my work for the week," he explained. "I value my reputation too much to do either one to them, so I came in."

Jessica chuckled. "I see. I also see that your beard's here to stay."

Involuntarily, Harvey rubbed his face. "Will that be a problem?"

"No," Jessica shook her head. "It just reminds me of…Hardman."

Harvey smiled. "He may have worn it first, but he sure as he didn't wear it as good," Harvey argued.

"True," Jessica agreed. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Jessica, my shit is together," he promised.

"So, you say," she said cryptically. "Let me determine that for myself."

Harvey rolled his eyes, and then said, "Until the doctor gives me the go ahead to use my hand, I've hired a stenographer to take notes for me."

"Makes sense," she replied. "I'd imagine that work would be pretty difficult with such limited use of your hands."

"And just so you know," He began. "I'm firing that temp before lunch."

"Harvey," Jessica said in disbelief. "You've barely worked with Victor."

Harvey grinned. "It's the principle of the matter. I have a standard to uphold."

"Now you sound like Louis," she remarked.

Immediately, Harvey glared at Jessica. "I'm right here," he explained as he gestured with one hand. "And Louis is right here." His succeeding gesture was beneath his previous one. "Not even in Louis' wildest dreams can he reach my standards."

As promised, Harvey fired Victor by lunch and had his stenographer, Bernie, type both his notes and work as his secretary from his office at the same time. The arrangement was a one-day only thing because doing both positions weren't sustainable. Sure, Donna could do it, but Donna was working her secretarial magic with Louis, of all people.

As hard as he tried, Harvey couldn't push his thoughts about Donna out of his head. He was unsure if he didn't think about her as much when they worked together because she was right outside his office for years or if her constant presence 'masked how much he thought about her. But, now that she wasn't his secretary, Harvey was aware of just how much he was thinking about Donna.

A thought that currently plagued him was that Donna knew everything. She's always known everything even before he knew her. He's never told her anything—she's always just known, but she didn't know that he knew he was in love with her. Hell, even Marcus thought Harvey was unaware of his own feelings. For Harvey, this was a big deal. He'd made many decisions based upon the belief that he and Donna had an implicit agreement about their feelings for each other, but he was flat out wrong about that.

Harvey was confused: one moment she was shocked by his words, the next she was angry, then she was content he supposed, and then finally she left him.

He needed to get to the bottom of her reason for leaving.

Donna said she couldn't do this anymore, but Harvey had no clue what she meant and, before she left, she told him that she loved him.

"Uhh…" Harvey said as he got up. "I'm going to step out for a moment, but I'll be in the office.

Bernie shrugged. "Okay."

He made his way to Donna's desk as he tried to think of what to say. He didn't know how to begin, but he needed to get to the bottom of her departure. He had to understand because this didn't make any sense. Why would she leave?

When Harvey finally approached her desk, Donna wasn't there. He considered his options: he could wait for her or he could leave a note. Upon further thought, he couldn't really leave a note. He could try, but he wondered how much of it would be legible and decided against it.

Nervously, he straightened his suit, and then touched his hair as he stood by her desk. As he waited, a few people curiously looked at him, which weirded Harvey out. Usually, Harvey didn't mind, but he felt vulnerable with a cast on. It sounded odd, but his cast was a symbol of his loss of control. And he wasn't used to waiting for anyone—people waited for him.

"Harvey, what are you doing here," Louis demanded to know as he approached his fellow named partner.

"Waiting for Donna," he replied, as he stood up straight in front of Louis. Even if he had Donna, he wasn't going to let a man wearing lifts get the best of him.

"Oh, trying to intimidate me with your height, huh," he asked. "Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not falling for it; you're not getting Donna back."

Harvey rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to talk to her is all," he explained. "And what makes you so sure that I can't get her back? I've known Donna far longer than you have. I'd say with a hundred percent certainty that I have the upper hand here."

Louis snorted. "You used to have the upper hand," he stated. "Before, I couldn't even get Donna to consider leaving you. But, once I told her that you didn't deserve her and that you took her for granted, she left you to come work for me. **ME.** And that's because she realized that I cared about her not you. So, you can do all the begging and pleading you want, Donna's not coming back."

Harvey froze. "What did you say?"

"I said Donna's not coming back," Louis proudly repeated.

"No, to convince her to work for you," he explained.

"That you don't deserve her because, well, you don't and that you take her for granted because, well, you do." Louis shrugged as if to say 'Deal with it.'

Harvey began to walk away, and then abruptly stopped. With an expressionless face, he said, "Don't tell Donna I was here."

"Don't worry," he said. "I wasn't going to tell her anyway."

Harvey mindlessly nodded before he walked away.

Although he didn't lie to Louis when he said he was just there to talk to Donna, he did plan to eventually woo her to come and work as his secretary again. But, now…Harvey didn't know what to think. He was confused and felt betrayed even more so than when she first left.

If she wanted to be Louis' secretary, she could be Louis' secretary. As far as Harvey was concerned, their work relationship was never to be revisited again.

TBC...

A/N: This is a Darvey story, but Donna's not in the first chapter because I edited her out at the last minute (she really was only in the last scene too) and I wanted to focus on Harvey's reaction before getting into how they function without working together and the story at large.

A/N 2: I didn't mean to make this dialogue heavy, that's just how this worked out. And Harvey is somewhat different character wise, but that is because he is more open with his brother, which the series supports. I mean, I don't know how open (and relaxed) because we only saw like a scene (back in season 3, I believe), but I'm just creating their interaction from that.


	2. The Worn Path

Hope you all enjoy it :)...

"_She is taking down her thoughts, reflecting, _

_Expecting…_

_She is musing on her autumn, her dreams,_

_Her dreams_

_She is making up her mind, expecting,_

_Expecting…"_

_-"_Expecting", Minnie Riperton

**After (Part II)**

_2 hrs_

Hot water beat against Donna's skin as she lathered her hair with shampoo. With firm fingers, she rubbed her scalp as she thought about former boss.

As if it were a fragile object that could be broken, Donna carefully examined her relationship with Harvey and the complex history that shaped them. She turned the memories over in her head as she replayed the highs and the lows as she sifted through all that defined them—both the important and unimportant moments of their world.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were Harvey and Donna.

It was a reference fitting of both their professional and personal relationship.

Their world was carefully built; words carefully chosen, behavior carefully thought out, next decision carefully mapped out. Double speak was their language and avoidance was their dance. They were unconventional and co-dependent, which neither directly acknowledged, but managed to thrive because of it. Their relationship consisted of layers and unexplored areas and methodically drawn lines that shone in vibrant colors.

This was their design.

And like a strand of thread that was exposed, it caught and slowly unraveled.

Where content once resided, restlessness now dwelled.

It wasn't enough and, if Donna was honest with herself, it was never enough.

For a long time, she had been very good at pretending. Pretending that she was okay with the status quo of their relationship; pretending that she was content being Harvey's Girl Friday; and pretending that she wasn't in love with him.

Back when Donna had finally defined her evolved feelings for Harvey, which eluded her for months, she groaned at the cliché. _She was in love with Harvey._ You honestly couldn't get anymore cliché than that, she believed. It was years after they left the D.A.'s office. She'd cancelled a date to help him burn the midnight oil at work simply because he asked.

If Harvey had known she had a date, he wouldn't have asked, but he didn't know and so he did. Although Donna could've easily gotten out of it if she'd mentioned that she was going out; and really, Harvey didn't need to stay late, he just wanted to in order to get ahead on his work. She slightly grinned at him and agreed as she sat by his side and went over files with him. In her mind, staying up late and working on cases with Harvey appealed more to her than going on a date with a guy who she knew that, despite him being hot and them having fun, it'd go nowhere. They'd either go on a few dates and Donna would eventually lose interest in him or they'd date for a while and the relationship wouldn't feel right to Donna.

Thirty minutes before her date, Donna called him and told him she had to cancel—her boss asked her to stay at the last minute and she couldn't say no. And, no, they couldn't reschedule; a huge case just landed in the firm's lap and they needed all hands on deck until the case was over, which she couldn't even say when that'd be. It just wasn't a good time for her dating wise, but she loved her job and wouldn't change it for the world.

And that night, as they ate Thai food and conversed more than they worked, Donna realized that she was in love with Harvey.

At the realization, her heart loudly pounded in her chest as she inwardly groaned.

When she agreed to work for him again, Donna thought she'd be over him by now. Hell, she thought that she'd be a famous actress by now. But there she was: cancelling a date and working as a legal secretary as she ate Thai food with a guy whose longest committed relationship was his job.

And yet, there was nowhere else she wanted to be.

There were many paths that led her to that exact moment.

Donna supposed there were various angles to examine; angles that she's thought about at length and others she didn't want to entertain the meaning of.

But, still, here she was.

"_Why?"_

"_You know why_," _Harvey, stated._

_Confused, Donna slowly shook her head no._

"_You know I love you, Donna."_

It took Donna a moment to comprehend what Harvey said, but once she did, it felt as if a semi-truck had hit her.

It wasn't just Harvey admitting that he loved her out loud, it was the fact that it was stated with such certainty—like a fact he's known it for a while, one that he assumed she knew. Although he was correct in his belief, it was only partially. Donna had known, but she was unaware that he was self-aware, which completely changed the dynamics of their relationship as well as posed a few questions, such as: how long has he known?

Did he know when he dated Scottie?

Did he know when she pushed him to pursue Scottie?

Did he know when she was with Stephen?

Did he know when she was badgered on the stand during the mock trial?

When he asked her to come work for him after they slept together?

Donna felt as if she knew nothing. She may have known most people better than they knew themselves, but she knew Harvey the best. Or, so she assumed. The fact that she didn't know that little fact about him was a huge oversight on her part.

The other part that bothered Donna was that she wouldn't have ever found out if Harvey hadn't misunderstood her question. Harvey believed that she was asking why was she_**differen**__t_ when she was really asking why was he_**leaving**_, which isn't the same thing. They were having two different conversations when Harvey admitted what she thought he never knew.

But, he knew.

And if she knew that he knew, things would be drastically different.

The thought made her throat tighten.

Even if Harvey hadn't misunderstood her question, what did she expect him to say?

Did she expect him to be honest?

Donna could picture how it would've gone if Harvey had understood her question:

_The air is laced with vulnerability and want is as palpable as the couch beneath Donna and Harvey while they gaze at one another longingly. Desire hangs in the balance as they toe territory that hasn't been touched in over a decade._

_Just as Harvey is about to get lost in the moment and allow himself to be with Donna in a way that he hasn't been since before they joined Pearson and Hardman, he realizes what's about to happen and says:_

"_I should go." Slowly, Harvey stands up, and then quickly gathers his things as he prepares to bolt out of the door._

_An air of tiredness envelops Donna. It's not a physical tiredness, but rather, an emotional one as well as frustration with Harvey for being hell bent on fighting his feelings. It was quite clear that he felt something for her, both emotionally and sexually, and refused to acknowledge it. _

_Donna stands to confront him and inquires, "Why?"_

"_Donna," he warns._

"_What," she shrugs. "Tell me why you should go."_

"_You know why," he says vaguely, as he drapes his jacket over his arm._

_But, she doesn't. Donna knows many things, but his insistence on denying himself happiness perplexes her. Sure, she could speculate as to why Harvey refuses to be with her in any capacity that doesn't relate to work, which she doesn't understand. She's tired of filling in his emotional blanks when it comes to her—she's tired of being his emotional fluffer. Unconsciously, she nods her head no._

"_Because if something happens, it'll be a mistake and you know it," he explains, as if it was an agreed upon conclusion._

_Donna looks at Harvey as if she has been slapped. "No, I don't. What I do know is that something was about to happen and now you're trying to run away." _

"_Because it'd be mistake if I stayed," Harvey repeats, as his voice gets an octave higher._

"_Why?" Donna asks angrily, and then looks at Harvey for him to elaborate. "Harvey, why would it be a mistake?" _

_Harvey sighs and looks to the ground as he holds tightly onto his jackets. _

"_That's what I thought: you either can't answer or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously you don't just look at me as your secretary, you're capable of looking at me as a something more, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything."_

"_Because we have everything!" In fury, Harvey drops his jackets on the armchair and approaches Donna. It's clear that he wants to explain to her that their relationship is fine as is. _

"_No, Harvey, you have everything," Donna contradicts, and runs her fingers through her hair before throwing him a look of annoyance. She doesn't understand how he could make decisions on their relationship—whatever that was—and not even consult her. _

"_So, you're saying you want everything," Harvey says softly as his voice drops. His tone stops Donna in her tracks; it's laced with a hint of hope and, dare she say: risk. That…he'd be willing to risk their relationship. All she had to do is say the word._

_At the swift change in mood and expectations, Donna is unsure as to what she wants. It was all so clear moments ago and now, she's more confused than ever. Just as she's about to vocalize this to Harvey, she looks at him and realizes that if she doesn't seize this moment now, there might not be another one for a long time, if ever. _

"_I…" Her words falter as she feels the rays of Harvey's intensity beat against her skin. Abruptly, Donna yanks Harvey's tie forward and their lips collide. Her right hand holds on tightly to his tie as her left hand grabs the back of Harvey's head and pulls him closer. _

_For a nanosecond, Harvey hesitates, but then wraps his right arm around Donna's waist and deepens their kiss. His free hand runs through her hair as he moans into her mouth._

_Reluctantly, Donna breaks the kiss and stares at Harvey. "I want everything," she admits against his chest. "With you. I want everything you with," she repeats. Tears pool in her eyes as she finally vocalizes what's been in her heart for years. _

Since that night, Donna wondered how much of a difference it would've made, if any, had Harvey understood what was being asked. Would his response been different or would he'd run away even quicker?

Although her optimism and her own wants and desires could easily be blamed, Donna didn't think her fantasy or, better yet, alternate ending was all that off base. Harvey would've fought her on challenging his feelings either way, BUT his demeanor changed at idea of her wanting everything _with him_. A man who is afraid of risking everything wouldn't back down from his stance just because another person expressed interest in more. Because, despite Harvey's own fears and insecurities, his response to the implication behind Donna challenging his M.O. regarding them proved his stance could be swayed.

Consequently, Donna questioned everything she thought she knew about Harvey—everything she thought she knew about them.

If she got this very crucial thing about Harvey wrong, which the very core of their dynamic was based around, her whole outlook on their relationship was wrong. Or, at least, she had to reassess it.

She had to readdress it.

Harvey's words weren't devastating because he said it; they were devastating because he was certain of them.

To have a man tells you that he loves with no expectation of acting on it almost seems worse than loving a man who doesn't love you at all.

Or, maybe it wasn't.

But, Donna didn't know how to feel because Harvey's awareness made her confront her own lack of awareness.

For years, Donna operated under the belief she needed to guide Harvey emotionally; she needed to tell him how to feel and react because he refused to open himself up. But, really, Harvey had opened himself up and it was to her. Although it might have not been in the traditionally accepted way, Harvey allowed Donna to see his vulnerabilities. He outwardly rejected having them, but he listened to her and let her operate as his conscience. He cared about her opinions and let her act on his behalf because he knew she had his best interests at heart. Besides Marcus, Harvey didn't let anyone that close to him, especially his emotional side. Even then, Donna doubted that Marcus had the emotional access Harvey gave to her unresistingly.

And, he listened to her—really listened to her.

As frustratingly stubborn as Harvey was, the likelihood of him following her advice was very high. He may verbally dismiss it, but in the end, he modified his behavior according to whatever she told him and it wasn't because he was in love with her. It was because he trusted and respected her.

Although Donna chastised Harvey fear of taking risks, she now knew she didn't have much room to talk: Harvey was honest about his feelings and expectations concerning their relationship, she wasn't. Harvey knew he loved her, but would rather love her from a distance because the fear of losing her crippled him. And for a man, who change usually always meant the worst besides his personality makeover, he'd cling to the status quo, which had never failed him in all his years post high school.

But, _again_, his demeanor _changed_ at the idea of her wanting **everything** _with him_.

Harvey was fearful of losing her, but if she was in, then he was in.

And there's the rub.

Donna rationalized to herself throughout the years that Harvey wasn't ready for a relationship; she denied her feelings to him, to others; she'd broken rules for other men that she wouldn't break for Harvey; she'd been dishonest to Harvey, but it was all under the belief that he wasn't ready when really, she wasn't.

Donna refused to shoulder most of the blame for their romantic stalemate, but her own actions played a part as to how they ended up where they did. Harvey was willing to risk everything with her if she'd given him a sign of wanting more. Regardless of if he believed she felt the same, she showed no interest of pursuing anything with him—so he believed.

Whenever Harvey inquired about her feelings for him, she denied him and/or became appalled at such a suggestion. Most of her behavior pointed to: DO NOT PURSUE, and Harvey respected what he believed to be her wishes.

For a moment, Donna put herself in Harvey's shoes and tried to see things from his perspective. Back at the D.A.'s office, he showed interest in her and she turned him down—told him about her policy about not getting involved with co-workers; years later, she broke that rule for a guy she barely knew. On various occasions, he'd ask her about her feelings for him or attempt to talk about it in his own Harvey way and she'd shut him down. She'd have him admit to jealousy, but never expect anything more to come out of it. Occasionally, she'd get possessive of him, and then push him towards other women—it was confusing and Donna wouldn't blame him one bit for having whiplash.

Harvey valued loyalty because loyalty meant security, which was why, even if he couldn't exactly understand his feelings himself, he listened to her. In the past, Donna told him to make nice with Louis, ease up on Mike, and give Scottie a chance and every time he did. She challenged his 'lack' of feelings and forced him to acknowledge them and, without even telling her, he acknowledged and embraced his feelings for her.

Donna wondered when that happened.

Once Harvey told her, "_I've never had to tell you anything, you've always just known."_

But, she hadn't known this.

She hadn't.

Harvey took her for granted, but Donna was in the same boat as he; they took one another for granted: Harvey expected her to know everything and Donna expected him to fix everything. She was the words and he was the action. Together, they were a powerful team—an enviable team, but they didn't utilized their talents when it came to matters of the heart. There was silence and non-action regarding their deepest desires and it led them to a point of no return. They couldn't go back: either the dealt with their feelings, their issues or go their separate ways.

Although friendship was an option, it wasn't a plausible one. There was just too much…history and expectations and trigger points. It was complicated and simple.

It was heartbreaking.

Donna ran her fingers through her hair, as she looked herself in the mirror. She felt different, she felt aged.

There was nothing freeing about leaving Harvey, a man who's held her heart longer than she can fathom. He'd been her perfect other: their similarities and differences complemented each other. Their compatibility was off of the charts. They were supposed to fit, but the pieces weren't falling into place. They weren't falling into place.

Tightly, Donna closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

Were they even apart of the same puzzle?

Or, was it that they'd lost a few pieces along the way?

Could a puzzle truly be complete if all the pieces weren't there?

But, Donna felt complete when she was with Harvey. She felt complete when she they'd have late night drinks in his office and discuss life. She felt complete when his eyes would soften at the sight of her and relax his posture. She felt complete when he'd do that little sideways grin when she said something to amuse and befuddle him.

It was just when the moments were over that Donna felt a sense of lacking—she felt incomplete.

To combat the feeling, she dated more—it was nothing serious, but her family wondered. Donna casually dated every since she was in high school, but in no time, she always ended up in committed relationships. Whenever Donna was ever single for long periods of time, it was because she didn't have any interest in dating. She was never in the market for long when she made herself available, but within the last few years, her relationships became shorter and shorter. For a few months, she was dated Sam; a few weeks it was Victor; and months later, she'd went on a couple dates with Grant. But, they never stuck around. It didn't matter how much she liked them or how in love these men were with her, it never lasted.

The Paulsen clan was baffled.

The lone exception was Donna's ex-boyfriend Marco who she dated for over a year. Donna said he couldn't handle the work hours of her job after they broke up, but Marco was supportive of Donna's job, he was only critical of her boss. The Paulsen's didn't know what to make of it: they'd only met Harvey a handful of times, but he seemed like a nice guy…a bit arrogant, but nice and Donna spoke highly of him. After Marco, Donna went back into her sporadic dating habits.

Finally, they asked her what was the deal and Donna couldn't explain it. They said she was an intelligent, beautiful woman who was city wise, well travelled, and had a nice job—why wasn't she married with kids yet? Were the men not bringing enough to the table or was Donna asking too much?

Donna explained that, although she wished to be married and have kids, her life was fulfilling as it was. Although she believed what she told them, secretly, she was curious as well.

Why was she still single?

After Donna lathered her body with lotion, she slid on some yoga pants and threw on a sweater. For a while, she channeled surfed, but was wholly dissatisfied with her options. Usually she went out on Friday nights, whether those were dates, with friends, or to see her family, but not tonight. After she informed Harvey of her decision, she sat in the bathroom stall and quietly cried.

She'd_ left_ Harvey.

Once Donna composed herself—both mentally and physically—she completed her tasks for what was her last day as Harvey's secretary.

Briefly, Donna listened to music before she settled on finishing her re-read of the book 'Remains of the Day' by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Her ex boyfriend, Ben, from college introduced Dona to the book. He was an English major and said the book was beautifully written and stunningly heartbreaking to which she whole heartedly agreed. And, now that she was in a similar heartbreak of her own, completely related to passages that were simply just wonderfully crafted words. Despite her own heartbreak, she couldn't help but to flip to passages she bookmarked years before.

"_But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere."_

Is that what she was doing? Looking for 'turning points?'

Perhaps turning points weren't monumental moments, but rather, a series of decisions that shape the paths that was and will be travelled. Nothing just happened—everything had a cause and effect, but people believed that they'd know when the switch would flip for them. They believed themselves to be aware of how and when their feelings will change. The signs were signs, but they weren't everyone and, even then, signs informed and gave directions—they didn't provide answers.

But, Donna's problem wasn't that she saw signs everywhere, it was that she ignored them as she projected onto Harvey.

"_One is not struck by the truth until prompted quite accidentally by some external event."_

From the beginning, Donna was loyal to Harvey, which gave him the security to let his guard down.

But, despite his fear of losing her, Harvey wanted it all with her because he felt secure with her—he felt secure that he could be vulnerable and explore a meaningful relationship with her. There was a risk that everything could go wrong, but if Donna wanted to be with him, he was open and willing to take the risk. Harvey was willing to put aside his insecurities and hang ups about dating if she'd been willing.

This whole time, Harvey was simply following her lead.

Although Harvey wasn't experienced at committed relationships, he was unafraid to give it a try with her.

And despite Donna's experience in relationships, she wasn't ready to be with Harvey; she wasn't ready to emerge herself in a relationship that could change everything—for better or for worse, which she criticized Harvey for. She entered into relationships with men who could make her happy, but she'd never fully give herself to them. She'd prioritized Harvey over boyfriends and fiancés, yet; she'd never allow herself to be with him.

She wanted him, but refused to have him.

It made her think of that one Madonna song where she said, 'You're to have, not to hold.'

It was a truth Donna wouldn't have ever known if her subconscious hadn't been influencing her behavior.

The event that occurred at her apartment had been kicked into motion earlier that week—specifically, the day Donna went to Harvey to comfort her. In retrospect, Donna realized that the comfort that she was looking for was of the sexual variety. She could lie to herself and say that she really wanted to hear encouraging words from Harvey, but that was the furthest from the truth. Louis' words should've been enough, but they weren't. She was scared shitless and, in occasions that involve major stressors in a person's life, many look to sex to reaffirm their life, their freedom.

Donna could've easily picked up a guy in a bar, but she didn't want any random man, she wanted Harvey Reginald Specter.

She wanted to feel his cock slide in her as he reassured her that he'd take care of it. Nothing was going to happen to her, he'd promised as his sweat covered body moved against hers. Whispers and feather light kisses would be exchanged and, for the moment, her doubts about the case are non-existent; she was safe and secure.

Gently, Donna sat the book on her lap as Harvey's words echoed in her ear.

_You _**know **_why_.

_You_ **know **_why_.

_You_ **know**_why_

In thought, Donna bit her lip.

Of course, she knew, but she expected him to say something like '_you know I care about you'_, '_you know you're important to me'_, or '_you know you mean a lot to me_.' But, love—that was a different ballgame.

But, the question was: did Harvey know that she loved him?

Donna couldn't recall the exact moment she fell in love with Harvey, but she recalled the day she realized it. She couldn't recall the exact moment her feelings for him changed, but she recalled the moment she entertained dating him. She couldn't recall the exact moment Harvey became the most important person in her world, but she recalled the moment that Harvey wasn't just another guy.

_Tenderly, Harvey removed the hair from her face._

_In fascination, his finger gently traced one eyebrow, then the other; he slid a finger down the arch of her nose, and then brushed her soft, swollen lips. Harvey's expression was serious as he stared at her, and then a radiant smile spread across his face. As always, his smile was infectious and Donna smiled back at him. She felt her body begin to chill as the sweat dried. Affectionately, Harvey kissed her and she grabbed his head with both of her hands and deepened the kiss._

_Reluctantly, Harvey tore his mouth away from Donna's. In protest, she groaned._

"_You're right," he said, as he dipped his head and stole a kiss. "I don't want to share you."_

_Donna laughed against his mouth, and then said, "Told ya so." She then bit his lip and grabbed his head so he wouldn't break the kiss again. Harvey stuffed his tongue far into her mouth as Donna happily gasped at the intrusion. After a few moments, Harvey broke away again._

"_No one likes a know it all," he remarked._

"_Oh please," she grinned. "You worship the ground I walk on."_

_Harvey pretended to think about remark, and then eagerly nodded at its validity. _

"_Oh, so you aren't going to deny that statement," she said._

"_Gosh Donna, I gotta put up a little fight to prove I'm not easy every once and a while," he said in faux outrage. "But, when you're right, you're right."_

_This time Donna laughed louder._

_Without warning, he slipped a hand between her legs firmly rubbed the sensitive flesh._

"_Harvey," she moaned as one hand softly grabbed his shoulder_

_Into her ear, he mumbled, "You like that?"_

_Slowly, Donna nodded her head. "Yea," she whimpered. Reflexively, her hips arched upwards to take his hand deeper. Harvey grinned at this as he pushed her hips back on the bed._

"_More?" Harvey gently rubbed Donna's hair with one hand as the other stoked her between the legs and he intently stared her in the eyes. She could even feel his hard-on pressed against her side._

_She nodded again. "Yea," she forced out. _

_Involuntarily, Donna's eyes snapped shut as she tried to steady her breathing. With wanton desire, she opened her legs and gave Harvey permission to do as he pleased. Perhaps if Harvey hadn't intentionally fostered such a response, Donna would be ashamed of her grunts and groans. But, there Harvey was, in her ear whispering about how much her noises made his cock swell. Every time she seemed to get a grip on herself, Harvey would do something that made her breathing hitch. Eventually she caught on that he was doing it on purpose. In frustration, Donna glared at him._

"_You're an asshole, HA—R...veee…" she gasped again as she clutched the pillow._

"_Huh," he grinned. "What did you say?"_

"_I said, you're an ass—ass…. hole," she bit out as her fingers dug into his bicep._

"_That's not nice," he chuckled, as he held her legs open, and then rested his hips between them. As if it was second nature, he hurriedly rolled a condom on his cock, and then slid into Donna. "Fuck," he grunted, and then looked at Donna to check on her. "You okay," he asked as concern filled his voice._

"_Yea," she confirmed. "I'm fine."_

_Harvey cupped her face, and then rested his head on hers. They lay that way for a moment before Harvey kissed her forehead, and then rhythmically thrust into her. Carefully, he lifted Donna's leg and put it over his shoulder. _

"_Fuck, Harvey," she gasped, as she tightly closed her eyes._

"_No," he disapproved as his hand cradled her face. "Open your eyes."_

_Donna's eyes fluttered open as her hand involuntarily grabbed Harvey's wrist._

"_Look at me," he softly demanded. Donna's eyes carefully met his as Harvey grabbed her hands and placed them on the pillow with each hand on the opposite sides of her head, and then intertwined their fingers. He slightly leaned forward and slowed his pace as his thrusts became more and more deliberate. "Look at me," he repeated again._

_Donna held his gaze as an indescribable feeling washed over her. A knot formed in her stomach that, with each passing second, tightened. For a moment, she held a breath as she tried to understand the undefined, foreign feeling. It was then she knew. Donna didn't believe in true love, the one, or any of that predestined bullshit, but she knew that Harvey was unlike any other man she'd ever date or eventually marry. She knew that this wasn't just about sex for him (and them), but they weren't making love. It was something else—something between like and love. Donna didn't know how long Harvey would be in her life, but she knew he'd be unforgettable. _

_Lightly, she grabbed his face and pulled him into a kiss. Harvey returned the kiss with equal fervor as he pulled them into a sitting position and held onto her tightly. The new position brought Harvey's cook deeper into her, which in response, Donna groaned into his mouth. Firmly, Donna grabbed his shoulders as se rocked her hips. Wet, sloppy kisses were placed against her collarbone as Harvey's fingers dug into her back. They maneuvered on the bed so Harvey could lie on his back as Donna rode him_

_An undetermined time later, they shared a spoon and ate ice cream out of the carton. Silently, they sat in bed as they alternated eating a spoonful of chucky monkey with fudge. Eventually, Harvey became disinterested in the dessert and focused his attention on the redheaded woman._

"_Harvey," Donna warned, as she tried to swat his hand away._

"_What," he said absentmindedly, as he feathered kisses on her lower back and his hand slid along her inner thigh towards her vagina. _

_Donna grinned as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Harvey, we've had sex two times already, you've worn me out!" She laughed at Harvey's stamina as she grabbed his pesky hand. "Can we take a fifteen minute break?"_

"_We've already taken fifteen," he protested._

_Donna playfully rolled her eyes. "Can I have another fifteen?"_

_Harvey dramatically sighed, "Fine." He sat up on the bed, and then leaned forward and peppered kisses on the back of her neck. "But, I reserve the right to cut into your time if I see fit."_

"_Fine," she grinned._

_Harvey then kissed her on the mouth, which Donna eagerly returned as she slid her tongue into his mouth. Their kissing got out of hand and, before Donna knew it, Harvey had her on her back again. As she grinded herself against his hand, she half-heartedly complained, "You don't play fair."_

"_Oh no, Donna," he began. "I'm very fair."_

_Harvey proceeded to place light kisses between her breasts, down her abdomen, and then below her panty line as his head eventually disappeared between her legs._

_Before Donna's mind drifted to oblivion, she thought, 'Yes, he's very fair.'_

Honestly speaking, Donna didn't know what she was expecting the night she made dinner for Harvey after he saved her from going to prison. She cooked an elaborate meal, set the table, lit candles, and brought out the good wine.

At the time, it seemed perfectly fine to put that much effort into a dinner for her boss and friend.

But, had she been setting a mood? Trying to lower Harvey's guard in order to get him to give into his desires? It wasn't her intention, but how else could she explain the effort? And when it clicked to Donna that, subconsciously, she wanted to share her bed with Harvey again, she accepted defeat. For years, she was in a long, hard fought battle against her feelings—what was one night? Although she wanted more, at that moment, she just wanted Harvey.

Intently, she listened to Harvey as he allowed himself to be vulnerable and his faith in her gave him security to voice his feelings. Immediately, Donna felt the charged atmosphere as Harvey's latent desire became blatant. But, what was even more blatant was that Harvey wanted more than sex from her; he wanted to make love to her. And Donna knew she just knew that Harvey was unable to understand, let alone, articulate those feelings.

Or, so she thought.

The thought bothered Donna and it wasn't just because she was unsure as to how long Harvey knew he was in love with her or that fact she didn't know he was aware. They were one another's emotional fluffers: they emotionally supported one another as if they were in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. To make matters even worse, they used other people as relationship fluffers in a way: Harvey was more direct about simply wanting a sexual component, but Donna dated men she had no intention of committing to or marrying. The other people they'd never truly emotional commit to, where as they refused to cross the sexual line (again) with each other.

And that's why she had to leave; she had to learn how to think clearly without him around—without Harvey crowding her thoughts and invading her senses.

Was it Harvey's entire fault?

No.

This was 50/50.

When she really thought about it, it was some fucked up shit. No wonder Marco gave her the ultimatum. It wasn't just about her being in love with her; it was about her not truly investing in them because she was involved in some weird emotional affair with Harvey. Or, was she having an affair with Marco?

Guys didn't last because she didn't want them to—they were there for sex and to do normal couple things while she was away from work. But, at work, they didn't exist—they weren't allowed there because she didn't want them to interfere in her and Harvey's world.

Donna picked the book off of her lap and turned to another passage, with a whisper, she read:

"_In any case, while it is all very well to talk of 'turning points', one can surely only recognise such moments in retrospect. Naturally, when one looks back to such instances today, they may indeed take the appearance of being crucial, precious moments in one's life; but of course, at the time, this was not the impression one had. Rather, it was as though one had available a never-ending number of days, months, years in which to sort out the vagaries of one's relationship with Miss Kenton; an infinite number of further opportunities in which to remedy the effect of this or that misunderstanding. There was surely nothing to indicate at the time that such evidently small incidents would render whole dreams forever irredeemable."_

Slowly, she flipped the page as she searched for another of her favorite quotes.

"_Naturally—and why should I not admit this—I have occasionally wondered to myself how things might have turned out in the long run... I only speculate this now because in the light of subsequent events, it could well be argued that in making my decision...I was perhaps not entirely aware of the full implications of what I was doing. Indeed, it might even be said that this small decision of mine constituted something of a key turning point; that that decision set things on an inevitable course towards what eventually happened."_

She flipped back to one she read earlier.

"_But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere... What would have transpired, one may ask, had one responded slightly differently...? And perhaps—occurring as it did around the same time as these events?"_

And finally:

"_Its was one of those events which at a crucial stage in one's development arrive to challenge and stretch one to the limit of one's ability and beyond, so that thereafter one has a new standard by which to judge oneself."_

Donna's throat tightened and her eyes watered.

She didn't want her life to be filled with regrets and an obsession with 'what if'. She and Harvey both made mistakes—they both took another for granted and relied too heavily on what they've always done, instead of, modifying their behavior to what they needed to do.

The moment she decided to leave Harvey was make or break for their relationship, both general and romantic. She had to be more than she was before—she couldn't look at them from just her perspective like she used to. Because they did need a new standard and if they couldn't find one, she needed to move on. Either way, Donna needed to do what was best for her. She loved Harvey, she truly did, and Donna knew for a fact that she'd never love a man more than him, but she was done being stuck in relationship limbo. She was done getting the emotional side of him rather than all of him.

Donna didn't want to be his token of affection, she wanted to be his girl; she wanted him to take a chance on her like he did Zoe or actually give them an honest shot like he did Scottie. She wanted to be more than the secretary he bought expensive pursues for, wrote blank checks to, gave extended vacations to, and occasionally took to extravagant restaurants. Because Harvey was open to being with her, but he let her off too easily; Harvey should've demanded the truth out of her like she did out of him. Harvey should've known how she felt.

He should've…

He should've…

Donna felt herself getting worked up and took a deep breath. She wasn't about to cry again over Harvey. She wasn't working for him anymore, but that didn't mean they were over—whatever they were. But, again, she doubted that they could be friends after this. Donna wanted to be with Harvey, but she honestly didn't know how he'd react on Monday. Would he surprise her and understand? Would there be a shouting match?

No, no, he'd give her the cold shoulder.

He'd pretend that she'd been disloyal to him because, in his mind, she had been.

Donna picked her phone up off of the table and dialed a number.

The phone rang three times before someone picked up.

"Donna," her mom greeted, as she yawned. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to talk to you," Donna denied.

"One in the morning," her mother questioned, as humor laced her voice.

Donna looked at the clocked.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the younger woman apologized. "I didn't realize how late it was. I just thought of you and called."

"How sweet." Donna could hear the appreciation in her mother's voice. "What did you want to talk about?"

"No, mom," Donna said. "You got to sleep; you're right, it's late."

"Donna, you've already woken me up," the older woman reminded.

"Well…I don't know what I want to talk about," she admitted. "I just wanted to talk."

"You didn't think this through, did you?" Donna chuckled at her mom.

"Tell me a story," she then said. "Any story."

"All right, did I ever tell you the story of how…"

_65 hrs_

Since Norma only passed away last week and Harvey wasn't at work, no one thought anything of Donna assisting Louis on Monday. Honestly, once people pieced together that she left Harvey, she knew that the rumor mill would be in full swing and water cooler talk wouldn't let up for a while, especially depending on how they find it.

Worriedly, she looked in the direction of his office as she put some papers in a manila folder.

Harvey rarely missed work. He may come in late from time to time, but he never missed a full day. Jessica didn't ask about him or didn't seem to be worried, so Donna knew Harvey called her. Jessica was also giving her pointed stares and speaking in a deliberate manner, which meant only one thing: she knew.

Again, people were bound to find out, but Jessica somewhat intimidated Donna. Harvey was Jessica's protégé: they had a special bond and she did put him through law school. Although Harvey occasionally acted out against her and she let him learn his own lessons, the older woman was protective towards him.

Mike approached Donna as he looked into Louis' office, and then over his shoulders.

"Hey Donna," he called for her attention. Donna looked away from her computer towards him.

"Yes, Mike," she replied as she turned her attention back to the monitor.

"Where's Harvey," he asked.

Without looking at him, she said, "Out."

Mike smacked his lips. "No shit. I mean, where is he literally."

"If you want to know so bad, call him," she suggested. Donna wanted to know, but she was afraid that he'd either ignore her or he'd scream at her.

"I did—he's not answering," Mike said.

"I don't know what to tell you," she raised her eyebrows as if to say 'deal with it.'

Mike whined, "Donna."

"If Harvey wanted you to know where he was, he would've told you," she remarked. "Now, leave me alone, Mike." Hurriedly, she shooed him away as she focused on composing her email.

Although Donna had no reason to worry about Harvey, she did.

Where was he?

It was a good thing that Jessica at least spoke to Harvey, but Harvey hadn't spoke to anyone else—not even boy wonder. At the same time, thought that wasn't necessarily a bad thing because, if Harvey spoke to Mike, then Mike would speak to Rachel. Donna loved Rachel, but she didn't want to talk about Harvey; she didn't want to get into what happened and why she did it.

_84 hrs_

No one thought anything of the first day that Harvey was absent, but the second day there was chatter. _Harvey Specter…missing two days in a row. It had to be the end of the world—even then, that didn't explain his absence._

"Come on, Donna, tell me where he is," Mike begged.

All day, Mike bothered her about Harvey's whereabouts and Donna had had enough. The kid couldn't take no or leave me alone as an answer.

"Not here, apparently," Donna said in a curt tone.

"Donna," Mike said, as he literally stomped his foot.

Donna gave Mike a pointed stare at his mini temper tantrum

"Mike, if you don't leave me alone," Donna warned. "You're not going to like_ where_ my foot will be."

Mike looked as if he was going to argue some more, but heard Louis coming down the hallway and went the other way.

"Thank God," Donna mumbled under her breath.

Louis stood in front of Donna's desk and waited for her to acknowledge him.

"Yes Louis," she said, after looking away from her computer.

"Here you are, madam." Louis sat a cup of coffee and a pastry on her desk as he bowed. Clearly pleased with himself, Louis widely grinned as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I bet Harvey never did _that_." His head nodded to the drink and pastry on her desk.

Donna laughed to herself as she picked up the coffee and sipped it.

"Umm," she groaned. "How did you know how I like my coffee, Louis?"

"Because I appreciate you," he said sincerely. "See what it's like to work for a boss who appreciates a beautiful creature such as yourself?"

Donna furrowed her eyebrows. "Louis, although it's a nice gesture, it wasn't Harvey's job to get me coffee," she explained.

Louis smiled faltered a bit, and then widened again as he said, "Donna, you're relationship with Harvey is kind of like a victim suffering from Stockholm Syndrome—you've been with him so long, that you try to rationalize his behavior."

"Just stop right there, Louis," Donna interrupted.

"Donna—Donna," Louis argued over her. "You clearly came to me for a reason. If Harvey treated you so great, you wouldn't be with me, now would you?"

"Louis," Donna said, in an authoritative tone as she looked to see if anyone was near. "If you say another word, I will pack my things and go right back to my former desk," she threatened.

A panic look crossed Louis' face.

"I better not ever hear you summarize, demean, or undercut my relationship with Harvey in such a way ever again." As Donna spoke, she ticked off the points on her fingers. "Do you understand?"

Although Donna was unsure that Harvey would welcome her back with open arms, Louis didn't know that. Even so, there were still other people interested in her services.

"I understand," Louis nodded as he looked like a kid who was yelled at by his mother.

Inwardly, Donna sighed as she said, "Look, I know that you've wanted me to work for you for years and you're happy that I've finally said yes, but don't bring Harvey into this, okay?"

"Fine," Louis said, dismissively. "I just thought you might appreciate a nice gesture; I notice all of the hard work you do."

"And Harvey did too," Donna added, and then laughed. "If you think take out coffee and a fancy doughnut is your way of showing you appreciate me more than Harvey, so far, you've been unsuccessful." Louis' face dropped. "Harvey took me to places like Nougatine and regularly bought me Marni bags—if you really want to put yourself in competition with Harvey, you've got to do a lot better than that. Hell, one year Harvey bought me tickets to go to see Hamlet because one of my favorite stage actors performed in it, and then I got to meet him afterwards."

Louis was flat out frowning now. After Donna finished, he wordlessly went to his office.

Donna didn't mean to make him feel bad, but Louis brought that on himself.

She didn't understand why Louis felt the need to constantly be in competition with someone he craved the approval of. Professionally speaking, Louis wanted everything Harvey had: he wanted his reputation, his respect, his secretary, his protégé, and his relationship with Jessica. He accomplished the name partner part, but Louis didn't understand that he'd never be able to duplicate Harvey's life. One minute he adorned Harvey and wanted to be him and the next he believed he was superior to Harvey and wanted the younger man to suffer. Louis truly had a complex.

"What," Rachel said as she stared insecurely at Donna.

"Nothing," Donna shrugged. She poured a few M&amp;M's in her hand and kept smiling at Rachel.

"Donna," Rachel said, "You are seriously weirding me out.

For a moment, Donna chewed her candy, as her smile remained plastered on her face. "So, you aren't going to tell me, huh?"

"Tell you what," Rachel asked. She looked truly baffled.

"That you're engaged." Donna made a circular gesture near her head as if to say 'what else would I be talking about?'

Rachel's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

"I'm Donna," the redhead said in a tone that sounded slightly like she was offended. "_I just know."_

Between spending most of her life-observing people and the predictable behavior of women recently engaged, spotting engaged women was nothing for Donna.

"Donna, sorry I didn't tell you, it's just—it's all so new and takes some getting used to," Rachel confided. "And I was happy at first, well, I'm still happy, but now I'm thinking about wedding dates and if we'll tie the know while I'm in law school or after I graduate. And the way Mike's career has been going, he'll build his name up way before then and I just don't want to be known as Mrs. Mike Ross, you know? I have my own career aspirations and it's one thing to date a really good lawyer and another to be married to one."

"Whoa, whoa…Rachel calm down," Donna advised. "Take a deep breath."

"Okay," Rachel nodded, and then breathed deeply.

"Don't worry about any of that stuff. Just take it one day at a time; you and Mike aren't getting married tomorrow."

"You're right," Rachel agreed. "This is just a huge thing and I'm nervous—don't get me wrong, I love Mike, but I also want to be known for my own merit."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Donna said reassuringly. "Just don't stress over the little stuff okay? This is minor, believe me."

"Yeah." Rachel smiled excitedly. "I'm getting married."

"You're getting married," Donna repeated as she smiled at the brunette. "Congratulations, sweetheart."

"Thank you." Rachel reached across the desk and squeezed Donna's hand.

"Besides me, who else knows?" Donna went back to eating her candy.

"Just you," Rachel admitted. "I'm going to tell my parents tomorrow during lunch. I was going to do it during the weekend, but I think it'll upset them that I waited so long. Mike hasn't told anyone yet either. He wants to tell Harvey, but Harvey hasn't been here and isn't answering his phone."

"Rachel," Donna warned.

"What," the younger woman shrugged.

"No." Donna wagged her finger at the other woman. "I know what you're doing, I perfected that technique—the backhanded question—and I'm not falling for it. Mike told you to ask me, didn't he?"

"Yes," Rachel admitted. "But, it's weird that Harvey isn't here. He's never missed two consecutive days of work. I mean, it's not a big deal, but it's still odd.

"If Harvey wanted Mike to know, he would've told him." Rachel reluctantly accepted this as an answer. "It's not like Harvey took off and is never coming back."

At least she didn't think so.

"You wanted to see me, Louis," Donna said, as she stood in front of Louis' desk.

Excitedly, Louis stood up and walked around his desk to pull out a chair for Donna.

"Sit down," he said. Donna did as told as he then perched on his desk next to her.

"I know we have to sit down one day and fully work out the terms of your contract, but how do you feel about this as a starting salary," Louis said, as he pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Donna. At the figure, Donna slightly frowned. She grabbed a pen from Louis' desk and wrote a new figure, and then handed it back to her new boss.

"Ha ha," Louis said. "You've always had a great sense of humor."

Donna looked at him in confusion. "I'm not joking."

"Oh," he chuckled. "I see we're trying to play hardball."

"I'm not trying to play hardball either."

"Donna, as I told you earlier, I appreciate all of the hard work you do," he began. "With that being said, legal secretaries don't get paid that type of money. What I'm offering you not only matched what Harvey was paying you, but I added a little something as well and they'll be better incentives too."

At this, Donna frowned. "Louis, the figure I wrote is what Harvey was paying me."

"You've got to be shitting me," Louis exclaimed in a high-pitched voice.

"No, that was how much I made before I quit."

"No favorites, my ass," Louis grumbled under his breath as he walked to the door and exited. Donna got up and followed Louis as he made his way to Jessica's office. Louis let himself in as he knocked on the door.

With a tight grin, Jessica said, "How may I help you, Louis?"

"Louis, don't," Donna quietly begged.

"No, no," Louis dismissed. "I need some answers."

Louis sat the piece of paper on her desk and pointed at it. "What is this?"

Perplexed, Jessica analyzed the numbers on the paper, and then shrugged. "I have no idea what this means, Louis, but I have feeling you're going to tell me."

"You're damn right I am, Jessica," Louis spat. "I asked for Norma to be paid slightly more than average and you told me no, but Donna was being paid that." Louis pointed at the piece of paper as if it was a vile creature. "You said no to me, but yes to Harvey. You allow Harvey to do whatever he wants and shut down everything I ask for."

"I know you believe that to be true, Louis, but it isn't," Jessica denied. "And Donna isn't being paid that."

"According to her she is," Louis refuted, as he pointed to Donna.

"Either Donna is trying to strong arm you or she really is being paid that," Jessica replied. "But, it isn't by the firm."

"Cut the bullshit, Jessica," Louis said in a tone just below yelling. "The firm cuts her check, how else would she be getting paid?"

"Louis," Jessica stressed his name. "The firm _does_ cut Donna's check, but not for that amount."

"So, you're saying Donna is lying to me?" Louis looked at Jessica, then Donna, then back at Jessica.

"No, I'm saying it's possible she gets paid that amount, but a portion of it isn't from the firm."

Louis wrinkled his face in confusion.

"Then how else would she get it?"

Donna's face dropped in realization.

"What did I tell you when you asked to increase Norma's salary?"

"That if I wanted to pay her more I'd have to pay out of pocket," he answered.

"Bingo."

Donna looked at Jessica. "Harvey's been paying me out of pocket?"

Jessica pointed to her fellow named partner. "That's what I just told Louis."

"For how long?"

Jessica leaned back into her chair and held a neutral expression as she said, "Since the beginning."

112 hrs

Weeks in advance, Donna had scheduled a half-day for Wednesday. She had a doctor's appointment to go to and needed to run some errands before going to work. After she took care of her personal business, she walked into work around one.

As Donna made her way to her desk, she heard snippets of gossip. She heard Harvey's name a few times, but didn't pay it any mind until she heard someone say he fired a temp.

_Harvey was back_?

Rather than put her things down, Donna went directly to Harvey's office. As she approached, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of his back. When he turned around, she gasped. Harvey wore days worth of facial hair and had a cast on his right arm that was in a sling.

Contemplatively, Harvey paced his office as he spoke to some man. That couldn't have been his secretary. Wasn't he just fired? Harvey never allowed them to stay around long—even to chat. But, who'd want to?

Lightly, Donna knocked on his door and entered.

"Hey Harvey," she greeted.

Harvey looked at her, and then the file in his hand before he proceeded to rattle off his thoughts to the guy.

Donna bit her lip and mentally swore at herself as she felt herself tearing up.

She _wasn't_ going to cry.

"So, you're just going to ignore me," she questioned.

"What do you want, Donna," Harvey asked. "For me to congratulate you on the new job, well, congrats. Now leave me alone."

Donna shook her head. "I knew that you'd react like this," she said, "Like—like I'd abandoned you or something." Slowly, she approached Harvey as Harvey moved to the other side of the room as if she repelled him.

"But, you left anyway," he retorted. "And you _did_ abandon me."

Just as Donna was about to respond, she remembered that another person was in the room. "Can you give us some privacy?"

"No, Bernie, you're fine where you are," Harvey told the man.

"That's how you want to play it, Harvey?"

"That's how I want to play it," he repeated, as he sat in his chair.

"Harvey," Donna said, as she threw a glance at the guy apparently named Bernie. "It's not personal: I didn't leave because of you, I left for me."

"I'm sorry, it just doesn't fucking compute for me," Harvey said as he pointed his thumb at his chest. "Because, from where I sit, the only major change in your job is your boss, which says I definitely played a part in why you left."

"Harvey…" Donna objected.

"So, either you cut the bullshit or you can leave my office right now," he said.

Donna tightened her grip on her purse strap. "Harvey, as I just told you, I left for me."

"And as I told you, I don't fucking know what that means," he said dismissively. "I can understand you leaving to take some time off; I can understand you leaving to try something new career wise; I can even understand you working for another law firm, but what I can't understand is you leaving me to work for Louis. It's the same fucking job at the same fucking place and if you're going to sit here in lie in my fucking face you can get out my goddamn office."

"You know what, you're being a real jackass right now," Donna said.

"Wait, are you giving me one of the reasons why you left?" Harvey leaned back into his chair and wore an indifferent expression, but she could see him taking in her outfit. She didn't pay any mind to what she was wearing until his expression hardened. It was then that Donna realized she was wearing his favorite outfit. Harvey was a man who played many things close to his chest, but that particular outfit was one of the few occasions where he flat out said he liked it when she wore it. In a kidding tone, he said it was his favorite, but they both knew he was telling the truth.

To be honest, Donna didn't give much thought to it when she put it on.

"Harvey, why are you being a jackass to me," Donna questioned. "I've always been in your corner and I've done nothing to prove anything to the contrary."

"Except when you left Friday," he provided.

Donna snapped her finger and pointed at him. "I didn't leave because were a jackass, but it sure as hell would keep me from changing my mind if I ever decided to."

"Well, I can nip those thoughts in the bud right now, Donna," Harvey said, "Because I'd never rehire you if you ever wanted to come back."

"Oh _really_," Donna said sarcastically.

"Yeah," he nodded his head. "I don't reward disloyalty."

Something snapped in Donna. "You know what, _fuck you_, Harvey."

"No, _fuck you_, now get out of my goddamn office before I call security."

"Go to hell," she spat.

"If only you promise I won't see you there," he said back in equal fervor.

Donna wanted to scream—she wanted to yell and pound Harvey in the head until he stopped being so damn stubborn. She looked to her left and noticed people staring into the office. It was then she realized that they had been yelling. Embarrassedly, heat warmed her face at the fact.

She then looked to her right and saw Bernie looking at Harvey then her.

"What the hell are you looking at," she said.

"How about you leave Bernie alone and get the fuck out since you wanted to leave so bad in the first place?"

Whatever retort Donna had for Harvey got stuck in her throat. Wordlessly, she exited his office and walked passed Pearson, Specter, and Litt workers without seeing them.

"Donna," Louis said in concerned, as he gently grabbed her arm. "What's wrong? I've been calling your name."

"I…um, I'm not feeling well. I need to go home," she lied.

Louis could tell that Donna wasn't being entirely honest, but it was clear that she was upset and very shaken.

"Okay, I'll call you later to check on you," he promised. "Hope you feel better."

When Donna threw one last look at the direction of Harvey's office, the pieces fell into place. He knew.

Donna read his face.

"Don't Louis," she mumbled. "Don't."

"Like I said, he didn't deserve you," Louis said resolutely.

Donna sniffled as she walked away.

In the taxi, tears streamed down her face at her blow up with Harvey.

Were they done for good?

She wiped her nose with her hand as she continued to sniffle. The driver gave her a sympathetic look.

Donna jumped slightly as her phone rang. She was tempted to ignore it because she believed it was Louis, but it turned out her mother was calling

"Hey mom," Donna said, as her voice cracked.

"Donna, what's wrong," he mother's voice was filled with concern.

"Nothing," Donna lied.

"Donna, what's wrong," her mother persisted. "It sounds like you're crying."

As much as Donna tried to speak, the words about her falling out with Harvey refused to come out. "Mom, I messed everything up," she confessed. As she thought about the words exchanged a few minutes earlier, Donna's face crumbled and heart-wrecking sobs filled her mother's ears.

Over twelve years of friendship and love and it only took one day—one decision to ruin everything.

Donna's heart was breaking not just because of the love and the dissolution of the most important, significant relationship she's ever had. It was everything: the ups and the downs—the good and the bad; it was their work together and how they were a formidable team; it was that Harvey was her best friend; it the years.

It was the hours.

They've been in each other's lives for over 104,832 hours and in 112 hours all of that meant nothing.

Choked sobs continued to fill the car.


	3. Pyrrhic Victories

(And, yes, I lifted some dialogue from season 5's episodes because how could I not?)

"The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most."

—

Thomas Merton, _The Seven Storey Mountain_

With quiet anger, Louis paced the length of his office.

He couldn't let Harvey get away with this. He wouldn't let Harvey get away with it. Louis had enough of Harvey treating people like shit and and getting away with it.

Enough was enough.

Donna did so much for Harvey and this was how he treated her? Harvey never deserved her. Never. Despite his selfishness, Louis knew Harvey cared about Donna but Louis also knew Harvey had a shitty way of showing it. Donna deserved to be treated with respect and appreciation—adoration even. But, she didn't even know it because of all the years she spent brainwashed by him. God, all Harvey did was think about himself? How could he live with himself bringing Donna to the verge of tears? How could Harvey be angry with her when all she has ever done was be there for him?

Donna probably thought that all bosses behaved like Harvey. She didn't know any better, but she could be treated better. Louis would show her.

It wasn't Louis' plan to rub it in that Donna was now his secretary, but something inside of him snapped when he saw Harvey standing at her desk. He looked all vulnerable and charming as he prepared to woo Donna back to his desk on just her third day as Louis' secretary. Louis was glad that Donna had some personal errands to run or he she would've left him quicker than she came.

Louis wouldn't have blamed her if she left, that was the type of sway the Harveys of the world had.

But, you couldn't say the same about the Louis' of the world.

The Harveys could treat you any way they wanted to, but all they had to give was false apologies as dazzling smiles graced their handsome faces and even the most intelligent women forgave them. But, the Louis' of the world had to beg for scraps. They worked hard for everything, so they actually appreciated what they had. They couldn't smile and make everything disappear—no, the Louis' of the world had to fight for basic respect and acknowledgment, it didn't matter how much harder they worked, they were overlooked.

They Harveys were handsome; the Louis' were plain. The Harveys wooed their way through life; the Louis' put in work. The Harveys were handed everything; the Louis' fought for it.

But, this time, a Louis won.

"_Don't," she whispered._

Louis should be the bigger man—that's what Donna would want.

She chose _him._

Then, Louis thought of the tears she fought to hold back.

That she left early because of how cruel Harvey was to her.

That Harvey, once again, was getting away with bad behavior because Jessica sure as hell wouldn't confront him.

He wasn't going to get away with this—not again.

Louis stormed out of his office. No, he wouldn't sink to Harvey's level, but he would let him know that his behavior would no longer be tolerated. The tides were changing and, for once, a Louis of the world got the win.

Without knocking, Louis entered Harvey's office.

Harvey looked at Louis, and then groaned. He mumbled under his breath, "Oh God." As Harvey spoke, he rubbed his head as if he had a headache and, in a dull tone, asked, "What do you want, Louis?"

"I want you to stop acting like a jack ass," Louis demanded.

Harvey closed his eyes and took a deep breath as if he was trying to calm himself. Ever so slightly, his jaw clenched before he opened his eyes and shook his head. "Not now, Louis," he said in a gravelly voice. His tone was a mixture of exasperation and warning.

"Yes, now," Louis demanded in an authoritative tone, as he jabbed towards the floor. "Day in and day out, everyone at this office puts up with your shit, but not anymore—it ends today."

"What are you talking about, Louis," Harvey asked, irritably.

"I'm talking about how you treat people like shit and expect them to put up with it—expect _US _to put up with it. But, the tides have changed and the Harveys of the world are no longer in charge, the Louis' of the world are." Harvey looked beyond Louis and made eye contact with someone, which was when Louis realized there was another person in the room. Harvey's face was covered in confusion as he tried to see if he was the only one lost. "Why, hello there guy I didn't notice in the room until just now." Louis nodded at Bernie for a moment, and then faced Harvey again. "To sum it up: I'm not going to allow you to terrorize people anymore."

Harvey looked taken aback at the last statement as he pointed to himself and slightly moved his head back. "Me? I'm the office terrorist here," Harvey said, in disbelief.

In an arrogant tone, Louis said, "Yes, you."

At this, Harvey leaned back in his chair and looked at Louis as his left hand played with his tie. "Correct me if I'm wrong," he said, as his hand smoothed down his tie. "But, between the two of us, aren't you the one who has received more formal and informal complaints regarding your behavior in the entire firm?" Harvey stared Louis directly in the eyes. "As a matter of _fact_, hasn't Jessica had many one on one chats with you about your behavior?"

Louis cleared his throat, and then looked at his shoes.

"No," Louis denied. "Jessica and I had a meeting where we briefly discussed my behavior, but as I explained to her, my passion for the law is often misunderstood as anger and hostility," Louis explained. A momentary wave of embarrassment washed over Louis as he recalled that day. "But, this conversation isn't about me—it's about _you_ and your lack of regard for others."

"Louis, I literally have NO complaints on my file," Harvey remarked. "People either hate me because I'm always right or because they know I don't give a shit about them and their opinions—like yours for instance, but either way, no one has filed a complaint against me in any capacity. We both know who the true office terrorist is between the two of us."

Harvey closed the file on his desk, and then moved it to the side as he opened another one, which indicated that he and Louis were through with their conversation.

But, Louis wasn't done.

He came into Harvey's office to show him who the new alpha dog was and now he was being sent out as if Harvey still didn't respect his authority.

"So, I'm the office terrorist who people hate, but Donna, someone who is universally loved here, left you to work for me," Louis said in an even tone.

Harvey slowly lifted his head to look at Louis as dark clouds formed in his eyes. He squared his jaw and his eyes narrowed.

"Louis," he deeply exhaled. "I'm going to stop you right here before you get ahead of yourself," he spat. "And inform you that you have no God damn clue what you're talking about."

"Like hell I don't," Louis said in a stern voice. "You just sent Donna, a goddess, running out of your office in tears. After—after—after all she's done for you and _that's_ how you treat her. I know exactly what I'm talking about: you're a piece of shit, Harvey; like I said, you didn't deserve her. You never did."

Harvey looked as if he was about to pop a blood vessel.

"Get the fuck out of my office," he growled as he stood up.

"Gladly," Louis smirked. Just as Louis was about to exit Harvey's office, he stopped and said, "And to think, I was momentarily afraid that Donna would come back to you." Louis chuckled at he walked out of Harvey's office.

Quietly, Harvey seethed.

Louis just had to go there, didn't he? For once in his life, he couldn't leave well enough alone or mind his damn own business. No, Louis just had to pick and pick and pick at something, until it blew up in his face and made him regret even being curious about a situation. Harvey was trying his best to behave, but he was torn between trying to have his shit together for Jessica's sake and stomping Louis' beady little face in. Before Harvey realized what this was doing, he'd gotten up and walked out of his office. No, he wasn't going to let this go. Louis wasn't going to hold this over him to gloat about.

No way in hell.

Harvey followed Louis into his office, grabbed the other man with his left hand, and pushed him into the desk after he spun him around. Louis tightly held onto his desk,

"Look here you insecure piece of shit," Harvey hissed. "Don't start a war with me because you and I both know you'll lose."

"Lose?" Louis laughed as he straightened up and stood tall. "Harvey, I've got Donna, I've already won," he bragged.

Harvey scoffed. "Won what," he asked, derisively. "Louis, no matter how many battles you win, you'll never win the war. Never. You want to know who the history books write about? Victors—not men who take a couple battles. Every war you ever started, I finished. So before you get any ideas, remember that. No more warnings, Louis: you better step off before I crush you."

Louis laughed, "Oh please, Harvey. You're just upset because you have nothing over me anymore. We're both named partners—my name is on the wall too: I won the war not you. So you can save all that posturing bullshit someone who is actually scared of you."

"If you aren't scared of me, then you're a god damned fool," Harvey informed. He stepped into Louis' personal space and stood full height. "Because I have plenty over you: clients, prestige, I made named partner before you; hell, you begged Donna for years to work for you, where as she propositioned me." Louis' smile slowly turned into a frown as Harvey spoke. His eyes were serious and downcast. "Whether you do something before or after me, Louis, I'll always do it better and I'll always be known for it over you. So, explain to me what you've won because it sounds like you haven't won shit," Harvey said, in a low, deliberate voice. Menacingly, Harvey smiled as he looked at the Pearson, Specter, and Litt workers who walked passed the office, and then back at Louis. "Do you think they think you've won?"

Louis gulped at he stared at his employees, and then at the floor.

He was a named partner, he had Donna, and he was damn good at his job. His position—his credentials looked good when compared to most people at this point in their careers, but when it came to Harvey, he came up short. He was a loser.

Although the other people wouldn't know what Harvey said to him if they were paying attention to them, Louis knew how it looked: Harvey asserting control and power and Louis deferring to him.

Harvey was right; Louis won the battle not the war.

As if Harvey recognized the moment of realization on Louis' eyes, he smirked and said, "Do you still think you've won anything?"

Harvey stepped back and looked at Louis before he attempted to walk away. Louis' words stopped him in his tracks.

"I guess that makes us both losers, huh," Louis mumbled. "Maybe I'll never write history, but I still won a pretty major battle: at the end of the day, Donna still _left_ you for me."

"You say that as if isn't you we're talking about here, Louis," Harvey began. "Just like every other good thing in your life: it'll end with her leaving."

Louis gulped and blinked back tears.

Growing up, Louis was always a fan of the arts rather than sports—the more physical, the less interested he was, which was why he didn't like boxing. But, it was one of the things his dad loved and, as a child, Louis sat beside his father and listened to him explain the finer points of the sport. The descriptions of his dad gave of boxing was poetic—it was art personified. But, whenever Louis tried to watch it alone, it lacked the same beauty. All he saw was just two men beating the shit out of each other.

His father always corrected Louis when he summed up boxing in such a way. Despite the violence, boxing had rules and was about more than power—it was also about strategy. It was about discipline.

Despite Harvey's isolation from the majority of his peers, Louis recognized that same discipline in him when it came to defending himself; he saw the same poetry in his movement.

But, Louis hadn't mastered this dance. He jabbed, ducked, jabbed, ducked and, occasionally, believed himself to be an insider fighter because he loved to overwhelm his opponents. Although that worked with his usual opponents, Harvey wasn't one to trifle with. His counterpunches were a thing of beauty; the way he exploited the opening in his opponent's position was something to be admired. But, if Louis was honest with himself, Harvey pulled his punches—he took it easy on him and allowed Louis to go the distance with him for fun, if not, their matches would be considerably shorter.

Depending on the occasion, Harvey could either knock him out the first try or pull a rope a dope on him. He'd just sit there and let Louis tire himself as he collected the metaphoric punches, and then land a perfect sucker punch.

It was quite fitting that Louis looked as if he'd been punched in the stomach at Harvey's comment. Louis supposed he walked into that one, but it didn't hurt any less to hear it aloud.

Mirthlessly, he laughed. "You're really a son of a bitch, Harvey, you know that, right," Louis uttered. "But, you haven't won shit either. Harvey, winners either gain or, in some cases, end what they started with: _you_ lost Donna. By that very definition, you're a loser just like me. So, even if Donna does leave me one day, all you've won is a hollow victory."

"_If_," Harvey said, as he raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Even you know there is a high likelihood that Donna will leave you, Louis. I've lost my fair shares of battles, but none of my victories are Pyrrhic. But, then again, between the two of us, I'm not the one who primarily collects moral victories." Harvey's parted with, "And never put you and I in the same category again. Being a winner doesn't mean you never lose, it means that you don't make a habit of it. By that very definition, you and I are nothing alike."

* * *

Harvey chewed his food as he watched Jessica refill their wineglasses. He refused to acknowledge the other person in the room

After Jessica finished pouring the second glass, she picked up the glasses and made her way over to Harvey. Although they were at her place, in a supposed relaxed setting, Jessica always exuded power, authority, and control. Without fail, she held her head high and her walk was a mixture between a strut and a sashay as femininity dripped from her pores as she refused to conform in a man's world. You _would_ respect her. It was one of the many things Harvey admired about her: Jessica didn't ask for respect, she demanded it. Whether or not one knew it, they would submit to her.

Carefully, Jessica handed the glass to Harvey, and then slowly sipped her own glass as she sat in her chair.

"How's the food," she nodded to his plate.

Harvey pulled a piece of meat of his fork with his teeth, and then slowly chewed. His closed his eyes at the savory taste and moaned, "Delicious, as usual."

Jessica chuckled under her breath; they both knew it was a jab at Louis' expense. Jessica usually bought Louis items such as tickets, watches, and so forth, but she never actually spent any time with him—she never invited him to her home or came to his and cooked for him like she had with Harvey on numerous occasions.

"As if it'd be anything, but," she unashamedly agreed. "And Louis?"

"It's really good," Louis nodded in agreement as he stared uncomfortably at his plate.

After the day's incident, Jessica both spoke to Harvey and him individually and told them to cancel all of their plans because they were having dinner at her place that night. It was non-negotiable, so if they had plans, they better find a way to reschedule them.

From moment to moment, Louis was unsure as to where he stood with his former boss now fellow named partner. There were occasions where they got along, but their most memorable moments were the scathing remarks she made to him when she felt he overstepped the line. And if it had something to do with Harvey, she could be especially defensive. Louis wondered how much different his role at the firm would be if Jessica defended and protected him like she did Harvey.

"Gentlemen, I don't need to explain why I invited the two of you to dinner tonight," Jessica began, as she swirled her wine around in her glass. "So, here's what were going to do: have a nice homemade meal as the both of you hash out your differences like adults, so we don't have a repeat of today. How does that sound to everyone?" Jessica looked at the two men as they looked everywhere else except each other and her. "Good."

"This is pointless, Jessica," Harvey disagreed. "Louis is a child and only behaves like children do."

"It's very funny that you should say that, Harvey," Jessica said, as she carefully cut her food. "Because, from where I'm sitting, Louis isn't the one behaving like a child, in fact, he's the only one behaving like an adult after you promised me you'd have your shit together. If anyone's pissing me off, it's you."

Harvey shrugged, "Give him time."

Louis put down his fork and looked at Harvey. "What's your issue with me, Harvey? What did I ever do to you? Why do you fucking hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you, Louis," Harvey denied. "I've just had enough of your bullshit. We've been friends for years and it's always the same with you: no matter how much you get, it's never enough."

"You consider us friends, yeah right," Louis scoffed.

"No, I do," Harvey, said adamantly. "Well, I did. Occasionally, I did treat our friendship like a competition, but that's only because I put myself up against the best. We may not have the friendship you envisioned: sleepovers and painting each others nails, but I once considered you a friend, but not anymore."

"What about what you said earlier? That I'm not a winner—that all I do is lose?"

"Louis," Harvey said. "You came into my office earlier slinging unfounded accusations at me—what did you expect me to do? Inflate your already high and distorted ego?" Harvey clenched his jaw, and then looked at the other man. "You would've done the same thing."

"No, I wouldn't have," Louis, denied.

"YES, you would have," Harvey, said as he raised his voice an octave. "And that's one of your many fucking issues, Louis. You have one set of rules for yourself and another set of rules for everyone else, and then wonder why people hate you some god damn much," he spat. "When things don't go as you planned, you have to blow everything up because if you don't get to be happy, then no one gets to be happy."

"That's not true!" Louis eyes were ablaze.

"But, isn't it," Harvey rhetorically questioned. "What happened when Hardman turned down your proposition for us to both make junior partner and had us fight for one position instead, Louis? You made me look like a fool in court and expected me to forgive you when you would have _never_ extended me that same courtesy. Or, when you blew up a deal I closed that got me senior partner? Or, when you colluded with Hardman and took Mike away from me? I could go on, Louis, I really could. Everything I've ever done to you have been harmless pranks, you know, shit you do to your friends, but you did shit to hurt me because you're a spiteful little man. If I did even half the shit to you that you've done to me, you'd have every reason to hate me. Despite knowing this, I let it go and remained your friend, but not anymore. I'm done, Louis; I'm done putting up with your shit."

Louis shook his head. "I don't believe you. You can rationalize all you want, but you know exactly how you treat me and what you've done."

"I don't give a damn what you believe." Harvey nonchalantly shrugged.

Louis ignored him, "You've always thought less of me and now you're jealous because you can't accept the fact that Donna left you for me."

"Jealous," Harvey laughed. "We both know that Donna going to work for you has nothing to do with you."

"You know what, fuck you, Harvey," Louis shouted. "Why do you find it so hard to believe that Donna actually wants to work with me? Is it because you just can't take it that her world doesn't revolved around you anymore."

Harvey perked up at Louis' remarks and Jessica decided it was time to get into control of the discussion.

"That's enough you two," she warned. The discussion was beginning to become unproductive and she didn't have time to listen to the two have a shouting match all night. Even if she did, it wasn't a way she preferred to spend her time. "This discussion is officially over."

"No, Jessica, you wanted us to hash it out, this is us hashing it out," Harvey quipped.

"Harvey—"

"I get it now," Harvey interrupted Jessica as he directed his remark towards Louis. "This isn't about whether or not I believe that Donna actually wants to work for you, this is about whether or not Donna actually wants to fuck you. I'd tell you that she doesn't fuck the people she works with, but she has made exceptions before, so maybe you'll get lucky like Stephen."

_Oh shit_, Jessica thought. This argument was spiraling more and more out of control.

"That's enough, Harvey!" Jessica stood up as she spoke to him. "Will you stop acting like a jackass for just one moment?"

"You know what, this is the third time I've been called a jackass today and, quite frankly, I'm tired of it."

"Well, if you didn't act like a—" Louis began.

"Shut the fuck up, Louis," Harvey yelled.

"Harvey!" Jessica glared at Harvey before she took a deep breath. "Why can't the two of you act like adults for just one moment? Why is that so difficult to put your egos aside?"

"Jessica, I warned him," Harvey admitted. "I told him to leave it alone, but I can't help it if Louis like to learn things the hard way. So, how in the hell am I the bad person for defending myself?" He glared at his male named partner.

"Harvey, there is defending yourself, and then there is overkill," Jessica slowly explained as if she spoke to a child. "_This_ is overkill."

"Well, that's what office terrorists do, isn't that right, Louis," he asked, as he faced the man in question.

Jessica directed a questioning gaze at him. "Louis?"

"Fine, you aren't an office terrorist, Harvey," Louis admitted. "At the time I'd been worked up about how you treated Donna and it made me think other stuff."

"Like what," Harvey asked incredulously.

"Like how guys like you don't know what it's like to work hard for everything you have," Louis said in a self-evident tone. "Shit just gets handed to you—like Jessica paying your tuition to Harvard. Do you any idea how long it took me to pay off my loans? But, it was taken care of for you."

Fire blazed in Jessica's eyes as she bore a hole through Louis. "Oh _hell_, no. You're aren't about to sit in my house, eat my food—food that I prepared, and insult me."

"Jessica, I didn't mean it as an insult," Louis weakly explained.

"It doesn't matter what you meant." Jessica pointed at him. "Because the end result is still the same."

"Jessica—" Louis tried to explain again.

"Everything gets_ handed_ to me," Harvey repeated in disbelief. "Louis, how in the hell did you think I got to Harvard? With my dazzling smile? Or do you think Jessica paid them?"

"No, I don't think—"

"NO, you _don't_ think," Harvey interrupted again. "Louis, did you think I got where I am only on good looks and charm?"

"I didn't say that," Louis corrected.

Harvey shook his head. "No, but that's what you implied." Uncomfortably, Harvey shifted his arm in the sling. "Louis, you don't know shit about me. You don't know that I worked my ass off in high school both academically and athletically to make sure I had a full ride to college. You don't know that I had career ending injury and my grades were the only thing that saved me from being unable to attend college. You don't know that I had to hold down two jobs to both supplement my collegiate tuition and save up for law school. You don't know that at the end of the day that meant jack shit because I still didn't have enough because my father couldn't help cover the cost. But, you're right, since Jessica covered my Harvard tuition, everything was handed to me." Harvey ran a hand through his hair. "And yeah, I fucked around in law school, but I graduated in the top five in my class—was that was handed to me too?"

As Louis listened to Harvey speak, inwardly, he felt ashamed at his accusation. He didn't know that Harvey almost didn't get into law school because he didn't have the money. Hell, he really didn't know much about Harvey. He just seemed like a privileged person. Although Louis had to take out loans when he went to Harvard he didn't have to struggle nearly that much, if, at all. His parents were able to assist him and provide him with any miscellaneous items he may have needed, but Harvey didn't have that.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Harvey began. "But, you're the one who's had shit handed to you: you threw me under the bus to become junior partner, you got promoted to senior partner in order to give Hardman an extra vote to force Jessica and I out of the firm, and then you got named partner because you blackmailed Jessica."

At this, Louis protested, "Hold on, that's not an accurate summarization of my career."

"Like hell it isn't," Harvey spat.

Helplessly, Louis looked to Jessica who silently sat in her chair and sipped her wine. Louis then knew that he overplayed his hand when he accused Jessica of unfairly paying Harvey's tuition. She might have defended him if he never said that; now she was going to let Harvey say whatever he wanted.

"I worked hard to get where I am," Louis defended.

"Yeah," Harvey said. "You worked hard at scheming and blackmailing others to get where you are."

Abruptly, Louis stood up and looked at his plate. "Thanks for the lovely dinner, Jessica," he said tightly, and then threw a parting look.

Jessica didn't acknowledge his words.

"Aw Louis, since Jessica won't defend you, you're just going to running away like the little bitch you are?" Harvey looked expectantly at Louis. "What a shocker?"

"No," Louis said, as he met Harvey's gaze. "I'm going over to Donna's to see if she'll make an exception for me."

Harvey balled his left hand into a fist as he stood up.

* * *

In confusion, Donna woke from her sleep and held herself up on her elbow as she tried to process the noise.

It sounded like…knocking. Better yet, it sounded like someone was banging on her door.

Donna looked at her clock. It read 11:57.

Who could it be at this time of night?

Sleepily, she grabbed her robe from the bedpost and tightened the belt around her waist. As she walked to the door, she rubbed her eyes, and then removed some hair from her face.

Without asking who it was, Donna opened the door. "Louis? What are you doing here at this time of night? And why do you have on sunglass at night?"

Louis ignored her last question. "I don't know," he admitted. "I just wanted to see you."

"That's sweet," she said, as she noted his avoidance of the last question. "But, I'd appreciate if you came over during appropriate hours. Better yet, I'd appreciate if you called first. What if I hadn't been here or if a guy had over?" As Donna spoke, she leaned against her doorframe. A sigh, then, "Besides, I've had a long day and I need my rest."

Louis looked into her apartment. "_Is_ there a guy over here?"

"No, but that's not the point, Louis," she explained. "You can't just drop my place unexpectedly."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to be inconsiderate…I just really had to see you."

Donna looked at his strangely. "Why? Is something wrong, Louis?"

"No," he smiled. "I just—I just…"

She pressed again, "Why do you have on sunglasses, Louis?" Curiosity laced her voice as she stared at her new boss.

"It's noth—" Louis abruptly stopped mid sentence as Donna took the sunglasses and gasped 'oh my god.'

"Louis, this isn't nothing," she said, and then dragged Louis into her apartment. She sat him on the couch, and then put some ice cubes in a towel before going back to him. "Who did this to you?"

Louis hissed when the ice touched his face. "Ow," he complained.

Donna's touch became gentler as she asked again, "Who hit you? Did someone try to mug you? Did you file a police report?" Louis remained silent. "Louis, talk to me."

"Why," he inquired.

"Why what?" Donna took the towel off Louis' face to look at him clearly.

"Why do you care?" He ran a hand over his head and looked at the floor.

"Why wouldn't I?" Donna wore a confused expression. "I care about you; you're not only my boss, you're my friend as well. I care about what happens to you."

Louis' expression softened at her explanation. As he thought her words over, he humorlessly chuckled and he shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing," he denied.

"No, what," she pressed and took the towel off his face again.

Louis turned and kissed her. Donna was unresponsive and just as Louis was about to break away; the towel fell from her hand as she grabbed his head and deepened the kiss. The intensity of their kiss increased the longer they maintained the intimate gesture. Firmly, Louis placed his hands on her hips and pulled her close as she gripped his shoulders and her nails dug into his skin.

Reluctantly, Louis parted his lips from hers. "Do you want this?"

"Yeah," Donna nodded, as she kissed his neck, and then the corner of his mouth.

Louis chuckled. "God, you have no idea how long I've wanted this."

"I didn't know how much I wanted this until just now," she whispered. Slowly, her hands trailed down his chest and lingered near the zipper of his pants.

They kissed again as Donna unbuckled his belt and Louis loosened her robe and slipped his hands under her shirt. She moaned into his mouth as Louis laid her flat on the couch.

"_I love you, Louis," she sighed into his mouth._

Harvey woke up in a cold sweat.

Slowly, he sat up and grabbed the cup on water of his nightstand to drink.

After he finished the glass, he wiped his mouth and tried to forget his dream. Of course, his subconscious would punish him and make him have a sex dream about the barb he threw at Louis.

As Harvey settled onto his back, he wondered if his dreams would betray him again.

He didn't get back to sleep that night.

Harvey wanted today to be better than yesterday. First he had that awful argument with Donna, next he got into it with Louis, then it was that disastrous dinner, but finally he had that nightmare that Donna proclaimed her love for Louis before they had made love.

He really should've taken the week.

"Harvey, we need to talk," his former secretary's voice said.

_You've got to be kidding me_.

"Donna, based on yesterday's conversation, we've got nothing to talk about," Harvey said without looking at her. "So, you can turn around and walk your ass out of my office."

"Look, I didn't come in here to rehash yesterday's argument," she said, tightly.

Harvey bit his lip as he looked at the words on the document without reading. "Either way, we have nothing to talk about, so there's no reason for you to be in here."

Donna stared at Harvey as he pretended to read.

A part of her wanted to cry again and the other part was fed up. Perhaps she could've left a better way, but she wasn't wrong to leave and Harvey couldn't continue to punish her or Louis for decision. It was ludicrous and she wasn't going to back down from Harvey just because he refused to be an adult about the situation. God, why did he have to be so damn stubborn?

The berlin wall had nothing on the wall Harvey built to shut people out and protect his feelings.

"Harvey, please leave Louis out of this; he has nothing to do with this—with us and why I left." Donna gestured between the two of them. "Hate me all you want just as long as you only hate me."

"You're right," Harvey admitted. "Louis has nothing to do with why you left, but he sure as hell keeps butting in. And, as long as he does, I'll treat him however I damn well please."

"Harvey," Donna sighed. At this point, it'd hurt less to bang her head against a brick wall.

"Why are you still here," he asked, as he finally looked at Donna.

A fire suddenly ignited in Donna as she spoke, "You know what, I spent twelve years putting you first and the day I decided to finally to do something for myself you didn't just stop treating me like your family, you started treating me like a stranger and, for your information, that is a thousand times worse than if you treated me like your enemy." She ran her fingers through her hair. "_God_ Harvey, sometimes I wonder just what in the hell goes on in your mind. All of this because you think I'm abandoning you? How is me doing what's best for me abandoning you, huh? It's not—not even remotely, okay? _This_ isn't how two adults who care about each other move on."

"As far as I'm concerned, two adults who care about each other don't move on at all."

Wordlessly, Donna looked through Harvey.

To be honest, Donna didn't know what she expected form Harvey when she decided to speak with him. All she knew was that Louis was upset and it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that it had everything to do with Harvey. She heard some murmurings about a heated disagreement they got into yesterday, but Donna felt that there was more to the story, which she hadn't gotten out of Louis…yet. For the moment, she was let Louis be as she decided to try and get Harvey to back down.

But, she should've known she wasn't going to get anywhere.

Donna never considered that Harvey would completely shut her out. In the past, it didn't matter how upset he was with her, Donna was the one person he never turned away. Now, he was the one person he could barely tolerate.

How did they end up here?

How did she end up here?

It wasn't a moment that could easily be pinpointed. In the past, Donna could easily leave a man without a second glance, but now she was on the verge of tears because her former boss refused to talk to her and treated her like a stranger.

Donna supposed she should go back to the start.

It all began at the District Attorney's office; before her life became Harvey centered, before Harvey even entered her life. Before Harvey…Inwardly, Donna snorted at the thought. '_Before Harvey'_, God, she made Harvey sound like one of history's time era's or a period, but that was the only way she could process him in her mind. There was the Georgian Era, Elizabethan Era, and Victorian Era, why not the Harvian era?

If Harvey could read her thoughts right now (if pre-departure Harvey, Donna inwardly corrected), he'd wear his trademark grin with his arrogance on full display. It was the one that pissed off everyone else, but the one that made her grin like a fool as the butterflies stirred from their sleep. She could imagine his reaction.

"_The Harvian era, huh," he'd tease, and then slowly walk over to her. They'd be in his office and she'd be near the door. As Harvey strolled to her, he'd put his put hands in his pockets, and then stand an appropriate distance from her while his face lit up at such an idea. "Sounds like a pretty badass era to me."_

No, no—scratch that.

**Take 2:**

"_The Harvian era, huh," he'd tease, as he got up from his desk and walked around to the front of it. Harvey would perch on the edge of his desk as he folded his hands in his lap. His eyes would sparkle as he looked her and grinned before saying, "Well, history is written by the victors."_

CUT! CUT!

**Take 3:**

"_The Harvian era, huh," he'd say in a teasing tone as he leaned forward on his desk. His eyes would crinkle at such a thought and he'd grin so hard that Donna just knew his jaw would hurt later. Harvey's smile would be infectious and immediately rubs off on Donna as she fights to react to his pride at such an idea. Suddenly, his face softens. "Donna, you know what they say?"_

"_What," she curiously asks as a smile plays on her lips._

_Harvey leans back into his chair and plays with his pen before looking into her eyes. "Behind every great man is a great woman."_

_Her heart warms and her throat tightens. Over the years, Harvey mastered the art of saying, "I love you" without saying it. For years, she thought he was unaware, but he known exactly what he was doing._

He'd known.

At this thought, her heart broke.

With a heavy heart, Donna said, "I never thought I'd doubt loving you."

"That makes two of us," Harvey said, without looking at her.

Quickly, Donna turned on her heel and walked out of his office.

When it came to Harvey, she measured her life and befores and afters: before Harvey and after Harvey. And now, she didn't know what after meant. Was it after he entered her life or after he left her life altogether?

Just like her life before Harvey was remarkably different, a life after him—without him, wasn't one she wanted to envision.

It was one she couldn't envision.

But, it may be one she'd have to get used to.

* * *

"Harvey, I heard about what happened," Mike said, as he fell into step with his boss.

Sarcastically Harvey said, "That's great, Mike."

"I can't believe Donna left you." Mike was outraged. Donna's been there for Harvey since forever and she just… turned her back on him.

"Mike, we're not talking about this," he said, sternly.

"But—"

"But, nothing," Harvey cut off. "Donna has shown where her true loyalties are; it's time to move on."

"I just…" Mike stopped talk at Harvey's pointed stare.

"Mike, today has already gotten off to a shitty start," Harvey began. "Whatever you have to say, save it."

He already wasn't in the mood because of the nightmare he had about Donna and Louis, but then he had that little spat in his office with Donna and, afterwards, he just wanted to be left alone.

"_I never thought I'd doubt loving you."_

"Okay." Mike nodded and stuffed hands in his pockets. "So since Donna—"

"Mike," Harvey practically growled.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Harvey," Mike said quickly as he held his hands up. "I was going to say: since Donna left, are you going to need someone to assist with the day to day until you find her replacement?"

"No, I have Bernie," he answered, as he shoulders relaxed.

Mike squinted his eyes. "That's the guy who's been in your office all day typing?"

Harvey nodded. "He's a stenographer. I'm paying him extra to double as a stand in secretary until I can find a full time one."

"Ah…" Mike put the pieces together. "Makes sense. Because of…"

"…This." Harvey raised his arm in a minuscule manner.

"How long?"

Harvey shrugged. "I don't know."

Suddenly, Mike slowed down and grabbed Harvey's arm as he did.

"You know what," he began. "Don't bother hiring another secretary."

"What," Harvey said, incredulously. "Are you going give up being a lawyer and sit in front of my office instead?"

"No." Mike's tone indicated that he thought Harvey was being absurd. "I have the perfect woman for the job."

"Who?"

"Amy. My old secretary." Proudly, Mike grinned at his idea.

"No." Harvey started walking and went into his office.

"What do you mean no?" Mike sat on Harvey's couch and nodded to the stenographer 'hey man' he mouthed. Bernie nodded back. "You haven't even heard anything about her."

"I don't have to. Just because she worked out well for you doesn't mean she'll work out well for me."

"She won't if you don't give her a chance," Mike refuted.

Harvey dramatically sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine."

"Great." Mike enthusiastically smiled as he walked toward Harvey and took a file from him. "You're going to lov….li..like her."

"We'll see," Harvey grumbled. "How do you know that she's not already working for someone else?"

"She's not," he answered. "I spoke to her a week ago. She put off job hunting to travel and just got back recently. Even if she was considering anyone else, when I tell her that you're considering her, she'll drop the others."

"Does Rachel know that you're still in contact with your former secretary?" Harvey raised an eyebrow Mike's closeness with his former employee.

"Yes," Mike said in slight indignation.

"Easy there, tiger." Behind Mike, Harvey saw Bernie laughing. "Give her a call."

Mike knew he was dismissed and left with a small grin on his face.

A WEEK LATER

Donna pressed the elevator button and the doors immediately opened.

A man stepped onto the elevator with her.

"Hi," he greeted, with a sincere smile.

"Hi." Donna took in the man's appearance. He was handsome with piercing green eyes, dark hair and, hall with a five o'clock shadow. His smile was dazzling and his teeth were sparkling white.

"You look familiar." If the green eyed man didn't look familiar himself, Donna would've thought he was using a pick up line on her. Hell, despite their recognizability to one another, it could still be a pick up line. "Have I seen you around here before?"

He pressed his floor button, which was the same one she was getting off at.

"Yes," Donna nodded. Now that she thought about it, he was her friend's neighbor. "My friend lives here; I haven't seen her in a while."

"That's a shame," he replied. "You should visit your friend more often, you don't want her to think you forgot about her."

Donna widely smiled. "And you I can bump into you on elevators, right?"

The man grinned. "Exactly."

"Those are some lofty aspirations," she quipped.

He laughed. "Oh no, that's just step one in getting to know the beautiful redhead I occasionally bump into on the elevator."

"What's the next step," she inquired, as a smile played on her lips.

"Learning your name."

"And after that?" Donna leaned on the elevator wall.

He faux shrugged. "Asking you on a date."

"Why," she challenged.

"Because I want to get to know you," he answered.

"You could always ask me out now."

"But, I don't know your name." He definitely was a charmer.

"Donna." The redhead extended her hand and tall, dark, and handsome gentle grabbed her hand and shook it.

"Dean," he introduced himself. "Pleasure to meet you, Donna."

"Pleasure to meet_ you_, Dean," she parroted, and the brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "So," Donna began as she looked up at Dean. "If you were to ask me out, what would that look like?"

"Hmm…" Dean examined her face, and then got lost in his own thoughts before he spoke. "I've overheard you talking about Shakespeare with your friend, so I'd take you to the theater, but we'd see a play by Tennessee Williams instead. Because, although I have a strong feeling that you like Shakespeare, you also appreciate Tennessee. We'd then go on a walk afterwards to discuss the play. Overall, you seem like a passionate person and especially passionate about theater, so I have a feeling it'd be a spirited conversation. The restaurant would be of your choosing, because I believe you pride yourself on knowing all of the best restaurants and introducing people to them. And then, we'd dance under the stars before I'd walk you home afterwards—just so I can talk to you little bit more."

The elevator dinged as it stopped at their floor.

Dean placed a hand on the small of her back as he led her out of the elevator. They stopped as soon as they exited and faced one another.

"Donna, would you like to go out with me sometime," he asked.

"Yea," she confirmed. She gestured her hand at him. "Give me your phone."

Dean tilted his head.

"So, I can put my number in it," she explained. "I don't want you accidentally losing it." Dean easily handed his phone over and Donna quickly stored it, and then called herself. "That way you have it and know it's my real number."

"Can I call you later on tonight?" They walked side by side to her destination.

"I'd love that."

Dean and Donna stood outside her friend's door. "Talk to you then."

"Look forward to hearing from you."

And she was.

As much as she tried, Donna couldn't fight back the grin that broke out on her face.

She needed this.

Things with Harvey wasn't going as planned. Well, there hadn't been much of a plan when she left him, but whatever she thought might have happened, didn't. After Donna and Harvey got into it again his second day back at work, Donna gave him some space to cool down. He was clearly angry and she didn't know what to do or say that would make them okay again—that'd allow them to be friends again.

No, she did know.

Harvey wanted to know why she left and Donna didn't know how to tell him that her reasons were leaving had everything to do with him and nothing to do with him. She didn't know how to tell Harvey that she couldn't find herself with him near because she'd lose herself if she's close to him for too long. She didn't know how to tell him that she'd lost herself in him before and, because of this; she didn't trust herself around him.

Even in retrospect, Donna didn't know if the truth was a better option: Harvey, I left you because you cloud my thoughts and decisions.

It wasn't meant to place blame, but it was the truth.

She couldn't think, she could barely think now because he and his feelings consumed her thoughts.

For over a decade, Donna put him first and needed to learn to put herself first.

But, there was a part of Donna that knew she was being unfair. When she left Harvey, she wasn't just leaving her boss; she was leaving her best friend and emotional lover. Although they still technically worked together, she wouldn't be near him like she once was, which would be fine if they actually socialized outside of work, but they didn't. She also never spoke to him about considering leaving all while pledging her unwavering loyalty to him. Even though Donna knew that Harvey wouldn't have taken it well then and would have tried to convince her to come back, he would've taken it better than he did with the option she went with.

Tiredly, Donna sighed.

She was obsessing.

Every angle was exhausted and she'd reached the same conclusions a thousand times, so why couldn't she accept reality?

Usually, it was hard for Harvey to accept change, but ironically, Donna had difficulty adapting in this case. Harvey moved on.

Harvey moved on.

Harvey—

Donna eyebrows furrowed.

The past week, Harvey had an edge to him, but he was productive and was unexpectedly well behaved after his first two days back. It wasn't a coincidence that his behavior improved when Donna left him alone. Donna wanted to rationalize it as Harvey putting on a tough, unbothered façade, but what if he really did move on? His work hadn't suffered and he wasn't getting into it with anyone. Then, she tried to rationalize that he behaved well to show her he could do well without her, but she wasn't seeing a crack in him—there was nothing vulnerable about him. And, every since Donna realized that she'd misread certain parts of Harvey, she wasn't all that sure if she could accurately read him as well as she originally believed.

There was a time, that at any given time, Donna didn't even need to be near Harvey to know what he thought or how he felt. She just knew. Now, she depended on his suit and tie combination in addition to how much hair gel he applied to get a clue where his mind was. Even then, she was still unable to accurately read his face, which made it even more difficult to accurately read him. And when he wore his neutral suits, Donna was completely in the dark.

Of the many things Donna took for granted, Harvey's unwavering trust was one of them. There wasn't any reason why Donna could flawlessly read Harvey before she left and floundered afterwards. Regardless of whether or not Harvey schooled his features around her, she should still be able to read him pretty well, which meant that Harvey allowed her unrestricted access to his emotions even if he was unaware that he did it.

Harvey shut her out—completely.

It didn't feel right and she didn't think it was something she'd ever get used to if she had to.

Although Harvey denied it, he was a very emotional person, unlike Donna, who had strict control over her emotions, generally speaking. Anger was an emotion, even though it was a secondary one, which Harvey expressed effortlessly and frequently. Bad deal? Anger would radiate from Harvey. Insufficient research, which led to him being blindsided in a case? Anger bounced off the walls. A person who was disloyal to him or just in general? His anger shot darts through the person.

Harvey's anger wasn't just verbal; it was physical. Rarely violent, but it was read in his body language…his standoffish nature or closed off posture. His clenched jaw and narrowed glared.

When Harvey was angry, you knew it.

Donna could tolerate angry Harvey even if she disagreed with him, but indifferent Harvey?

Again, she floundered.

Anger showed that Harvey cared. He didn't like to express the "sappy" emotions, but Harvey never got angry unless he had some sort of investment in the situation. Harvey was indifferent to most of the partners and Louis when he felt his fellow named partner was being too needy and that was because he didn't care. But, his indifference showed that he couldn't care less and Donna didn't know how to feel about that. Donna felt like just another person—a stranger, which is what she expressed the week prior that it made worst than his anger. A part of her wondered if Harvey was intentionally being an ass by pretending indifference or if he really didn't care anymore.

Had Harvey moved on?

The rare occasions that they spoke, Donna called his name a few times before he heard her and, when they spoke, it was indifference and boredom. He didn't care the messenger; he just wanted the message.

His third day back, Mike's old secretary Amy, sat at her desk outside of Harvey's office. Amy had a sparkling new nameplate and she desk was already fully stocked with work and personal items.

Donna knew she should feel happy for the younger woman because she honestly liked Amy and it was good that Harvey hired a permanent replacement. At this, Donna swallowed. But, the keyword was replacement. Would she replace her in every way? His secretary, his best friend, his… emotional lover?

Despite whatever argument Louis and Harvey had the day he came back; Harvey behaved cordially to and around Louis. There weren't any snide remarks or petty behave. They spoke about professional affairs and left it at that. Louis still hadn't told her what Harvey said and she left it alone …for the moment. But, if Harvey could be on his best behavior with Louis, why couldn't he do the same with her? If he could try and operate as a united front with Louis, why couldn't he make an effort with her?

Was it because he and Louis were named partners and she was just a secretary?

Once upon a time, they used to be partners.

He was through with her.

And Harvey was a no half measures type of person. Once he cut you off, that was it. He did it to his mother, why not Donna as well?

Harvey behaved as if them not talking was normal. As if they hadn't been in each other's orbit for over twelve years. As if they didn't have secret rituals, codes, and like she wasn't the keeper of all of his secrets. Sure, people drifted apart, but this was cutting off a limb…cutting off a limb to ensure his own survival. Or did she cut off a limb and Harvey was her phantom limb?

Donna wondered if she should be dating. Dean was hot and charming, but would dating be productive at this time in her life? Dating for her was life comfort eating for others—it made you feel good at the moment, but it didn't fix whatever you were going through. Dating was a Band-Aid—it was denial—it was stubbornness. Even though she divorced Harvey from her life (more like, he cut her off after she tried to stay friends), dating just helped her avoid her feelings about her former boss. IF she did go on a date with Dean and, eventually date him if that were in the cards, would it be because there was an actual connection or because she was avoiding dealing with the Harvey situation?

* * *

Marcus handed Harvey a beer after he flopped on the couch.

In silence, they drank their beers.

'_This is depressing'_, Marcus thought.

Unannounced, Marcus dropped by and just in time for one of Harvey's moods. Generally, Harvey was an enjoyable person to be around. Without a doubt, he was an asshole, but a charming asshole and an incredibly funny one at that. Planned or not, Harvey could make the best of any night: good poker player, diverse jokes, knew all of the best places, had connections, and so forth. Hell, even Harvey was entertaining when he didn't go out. He was a guarded person, but knew how to let loose and laugh. But, as mentioned, Harvey was in one of his moods.

Harvey dealt with anger one of three ways: sex, work, or brooding. The sex and work moods were easier to deal with. With sex, Harvey got whatever frustration he'd been feeling out of his system or, at least, was approachable afterwards. With work, Harvey was ultra focused on beating his case and so all of his frustration was put into files, strategies, and the opposing counsel.

But, brooding…brooding was unproductive.

Brooding meant he wasn't in a talking mood.

Harvey got caught up in his thoughts and didn't talk, smile, or even acknowledge other people. He always got lost in his thoughts and his irritability increased the longer he brooded.

But, Marcus being Marcus meant he wasn't letting Harvey pull that brooding shit on him and didn't care if Harvey was in a talking mood or not.

"_Now if there's a smile on my face…It's only there trying to fool the public…But when it comes down to fooling you…Now honey that's quite a different subject_," the younger Specter sang in a voice only a tone deaf person would appreciate.

"Marcus, don't," Harvey, warned.

Marcus ignored him, "_But don't let my glad expression give you the wrong impression. Really I'm sad, oh sadder than sad…You're gone and I'm hurting so bad._

_Like a clown I pretend to be glad_…"

"Marcus…" Harvey turned towards his brother just as Marcus eased off of the couch and continued to sing.

"_Now there's some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown. When there's no one around_."

"I'm going to kick your ass." Harvey stood up, and then pursued his brother.

"Not with one arm, you aren't," Marcus laughed, and then snapped his fingers as he danced to the song he sang. "_Oh yeah baby, now if I appear to be carefree. It's only to camouflage my sadness. In order to shield my pride I try to cover this hurt with a show of gladness." _Harvey lurched at Marcus, which his brother successfully avoided as he sang. "_But don't let my show convince you that I've been happy since you decided to go. Oh, I need you so, I'm hurt and I want you to know, but for others I put on a show."_

By the end of the song, Marcus managed to tire Harvey as his older brother sat on the floor in front of the couch and panted. Marcus sat beside him as he puffed.

"You're truly a jackass," Harvey said, and then punched his bother, but his heart wasn't in it.

"Ow," Marcus mouthed, and then rubbed his arm. Harvey evilly smiled at his brother's discomfort. "Big brother, I only learned from the best."

"That seems to be the only learning you've done."

Marcus side eyed Harvey and watched the lawyer finish his beer.

"You think Smokey'll forgive me for the rusty vocals?" Marcus dramatically cleared his throat as his knuckles brushed his Adam's apple.

Harvey cracked a faint smile. "You don't deserve forgiveness for butchering a classic."

"True, true." Marcus nodded in agreement. After a moment, he knocked his knee against Harvey's. "You get to choose the next song: are you in the mood for some Stevie or some Isleys?"

Harvey knew that his resistance was futile. Although he didn't want another legend's song butchered, his brother was going to sing it regardless.

"Eh…Stevie," Harvey settled on.

"_Do do do, do do do, do do_—"

"Never mind, the Isleys," Harvey interrupted.

Marcus cleared his throat and did a brief warm up," La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la…"

"You're ridiculous, Marcus," Harvey mumbled as he suppressed a smile.

Marcus mimicked a guitar solo, and then sang, "_Can I go on my way without you. Whoa...how can I know? If I go on my way without you…Whoa...where would I go_…"

At the words, Harvey's eyes widened: Donna was Atlantis.

Of course she was, why wouldn't she be?

Slowly, Harvey closed his eyes as heaviness settled in his chest.

"_Atlantis (Is back to you). I'll always (Come back to you). Atlantis (Is back to you) I'll always (Come back to you)…"_


	4. Dry Drowning

Can I go on my way without you

Whoa...how can I know

If I go on my way without you

Whoa...where would I go

-"Voyage to Atlantis", The Isley Brothers

Briefly, Donna glanced at her watched as the elevator made its way up to Pearson, Specter, and Litt's main floor. Her errand took a little longer than expected, but she was right on schedule. Donna exited the elevator and strolled to the desk as she mentally sorted all that had to be done that day and through the rest of the week.

Carefully, she sat her cup carrier on the desk and put her purse in the bottom drawer before locking it. Out of routine, she checked her voicemail first, read her emails second, and then checked her calendar to see if she overlooked anything or if an event was coming up. Once she got all of that sorted out, Donna then checked the folders Louis left on her desk to see if everything was in order. As she looked over the files, she took a couple notes, and then gathered the folders and went to Louis' office.

Although the partner's meeting was only supposed to run an hour long, Donna knew that it would run over time. It was one of the things you picked up working in a law firm for a long time. Certain topics required more attention and talking time—things got heated. She knew that this meeting would be one of those meetings.

Donna sat the folders on his desk so that he could sign them when he first got in. As she straightened his desk, she noticed a manila folder resting on a pile of papers. Curiously, she picked it up and opened it.

She sighed.

Of course.

Donna took the folder out of the office with her and placed it in her filing cabinet, and then picked up Louis drink and headed to Jessica's office. Just as she arrived, Louis was exiting. Wordlessly, she handed him his tea.

"Thanks, Donna." Louis cautiously sipped, and then moaned in delight. He looked at his secretary and said, "How did you know I'd be in the mood for this?"

In mock offense, Donna glared at him.

"How could I forget, my lady, you're Donna," he corrected himself.

"Damn right." Donna smiled as they walked back to his office. "There are a couple documents you need to sign," she began, and then expounded on why he needed to sign them. When they got into his office, Louis rounded his desk and skimmed the aforementioned papers. As Donna pointed to the three documents in three different folders, she said, "Sign here, here, and here."

Quickly, Louis scrawled his signature on the papers. As he sipped his tea and he sat down, Donna closed and collected the folders from his desk.

Donna went to her desk and put the folders in their appropriate place before taking the folder she removed from Louis' desk out of her filing cabinet. Nervously, she tapped the folder against her hand, and then stood up and walked towards Harvey's office. She knew Louis was trying to protect her from Harvey, but not only was she an adult who could take care of herself; he was interfering with her job.

Louis' concern was noted and very considerate, but unneeded. She wasn't a child and sure as hell didn't need to be coddled.

As Donna approached, she looked for Amy, but didn't see the younger woman at her desk. Donna was willing to bet that Amy worked non-stop to could meet Harvey's unrealistically high expectations. Although Donna was proud of the work she and Harvey accomplished together, she did make it harder for other secretaries who came after her. Harvey was very particular and accepted nothing, but the best—something she cultivated in him after she started working for him. Admittedly, she didn't mean for Harvey to become co-dependent on her, but it doesn't change that she did and hardly tried to prevent a stop to it in the beginning of their relationship. It was only when she needed a break from Harvey or he'd infuriated her that she told him he couldn't (emotionally) depend on like he'd always had.

God, their relationship was really fucked up.

Despite Harvey being a hard ass and an asshole, secretaries jumped at the chance to work for him. In addition to being Manhattan's best closer, he was a named partner at a large law firm. Harvey pushed secretaries to their limits—full time, temporary, it didn't matter. You'd give him all your best. The slightest mistake resulted in getting fired before you had a chance to sit down. Most were lucky to make it to the afternoon. You were a legend to make it a whole day—a rare feat. That was if Harvey didn't fire you just because. Since people only had the temp stories to draw from, working for Harvey was like those of mythical creatures: what would it be like to work for Harvey Specter? He was the Moby Dick of lawyers for secretaries.

The secretary had to be truly impressive in order to make it throughout a whole day with him.

Some thought applying to work for him wasn't worth it. Everyone knew that secretaries were fired for not being Donna even if they were just filling in during her vacation. Why waste time for a man who wasn't going to give them a chance. But, others…others, the allure was too strong. Working for Harvey Specter had benefits. People were curious about him, would do favors if you could do them a favor, would volunteer information just based on name alone. That kind of power in the secretary world was euphoric. And lasting a day with Harvey also earned you a type of respect due to how intense Harvey was. If you were a secretary applying for a job of a competitor, it was seen as a pro to get throughout the day intact.

Sure, it was ridiculous, but Harvey was a living legend from the courtroom, to negotiation, and everything in between. His peers aspired to be just like him. Getting fired by him wasn't seen as a con if Harvey found you useful for even if it was for a day.

Undoubtedly, regardless of how long Amy lasted, which longer than most outside of Donna, the fact that she was on her second week of being Harvey Specter's secretary boosted her stock. Whether or not she has highly sought after before she started working for Harvey, the phone would be ringing off the hook if her new job didn't work out.

Donna bit her lip and walked towards Harvey's door. Momentarily, she stopped in her tracks as she looked at the scene in front of her: Amy leaned in close to Harvey as she explained something on the document in front of him. Harvey tried to suppress his smile at whatever Amy said, but laughed instead, and then made a quip in response. Amy playfully rolled eyes her as she walked away.

A knot formed in Donna's stomach.

For as long as Donna could remember, her feelings have always been a complicated mess regarding Harvey. She loved him, but wouldn't allow herself to be with him; she pushed him to date other women, but got jealous when the other woman got closer than she anticipated. It was contradictory, but Donna couldn't help herself; she was only comfortable when she was in control of their relationship and was in the know about what happened next. Harvey never questioned why she demanded that there be no secrets between them, but kept secrets of her own; why they had to sort through his feelings, but hers was off limits. Harvey never asked much of Donna besides her presence in his life. He didn't want for more from her—romantic or otherwise, because just her being in his life was enough. But, him being in hers wasn't; she needed a sure thing.

Donna knew it was hypocritical of her to chastise Harvey for not taking enough risk when initially refused to take a chance on him because he "wasn't ready"; that she used other women to make Harvey emotionally aware but balked when they got close.

But, it was different, damn it!

Or maybe they were both cowards: Harvey was afraid to risk it all and Donna was afraid of the intensity of her feelings, of his, and them. She could control their relationship from afar, but it was out of her hands if they were together. He'd follow her lead and let her dictate certain things, but eventually, Harvey would become more assertive and challenge her in ways she desires and fears. She couldn't contain him if they were a them.

In the beginning, Donna was unafraid of dating Harvey. Sure, she wouldn't date him because she didn't date men she worked with, but she wasn't afraid to cross that line if an opportunity presented itself and, once it did, she didn't want to go backwards. But, that one night was more than sex, but less than love. It was a promise—a guarantee, a glimpse of what they could be if she were to take a chance on him and them. But, that one night changed her completely. In her heart, when Harvey called to meet up with her, she knew that he wanted more as well and when he chose their professional life instead, she settled. Fear became her. As much as she tried to go back to before, it no longer existed: she couldn't forget or let go of Harvey and leave unscathed. Not at first, at least, she initially thought. But, the longer she stayed around, the longer it became harder to leave. What se didn't know was that it'd take over twelve years to leave him and that she'd never considered leaving him until the end.

No matter how emotionally fucked up Harvey was, Donna knew she was a piece of work herself. Marco would definitely vouch for that. Along the way, her fear became projected unto Harvey. Over time, her projection turned into perpetual frustration at their stalemate, which was mostly her doing. Donna just got tired—tired of having everything, but him; tired of wanting more; tired of it never being enough. She'd learned that controlling the outcome of the game wasn't enough when all was said and done. More importantly, she learned that love couldn't be controlled and strategized as if it was a game.

Donna may have overplayed her hand, but she knew Harvey, although, a part of her was insecure about how well actually knew her former boss. For years, they experienced emotional foreplay with one another and, as a result of this, she knew how Harvey viewed love and sex better than he did (which it didn't concern her). For many, sex was seen as a big decider—a key figure in stimulating a person's jealousy, but not for Donna. Harvey used sex as a release and to maintain his emotional detachment. It didn't mean anything unless Harvey was trying to get to know the women and, even then, that didn't mean much if Harvey treated it as a game, which he did with most women. So, Donna never felt the need to get worked up over the women who surrounded him. It was unnecessary.

But, just because jealousy didn't come easy to Donna doesn't mean it never came. Although she didn't usually get into her emotions over other women, there were times it still happened, like now. Donna knew—she knew that there wasn't anything going on between Harvey and Amy. From what she gathered about Amy, she didn't seem like the type of woman to get involved with her boss. And Donna honestly thought it was the furthest thing on Harvey's mind, but still…

She missed Harvey and he was ignoring her and laughing at Amy's jokes. There weren't many people Harvey to get in his personal place or be familiar enough to joke around with, but yet, Amy had that access. Yes, it was selfish and irrational, but Donna didn't want another secretary to have the type of closeness she and Harvey shared. She wouldn't even allow it with Louis, despite their friendship. But, she was supposed to be moving on, right? So, why was she fighting any and everything associated with the past?

Donna put on her best poker face and entered Harvey's office.

"Hey, Donna," Amy greeted in a chirpy voice. The brunette waved at her as Donna smiled in response.

"Hey," she replied. "I didn't mean to interrupt, but you weren't at your desk and Louis needs Harvey to look over this agreement he drafted before noon tomorrow."

Awkwardness enveloped Donna as she stood in front of Harvey and Amy. She felt out of place, which was unusual. Even in a room full of people, Donna never felt out of place. But, in front of Harvey and Amy (but, since she was honest with herself, it really had nothing to do with Amy), she felt like she didn't belong. Hesitant, she started to give the folder to Harvey, but instead, handed it to Amy.

"I apologize for not getting this to you sooner, but I've been swamped with a lot of paperwork due to Norma's unexpected death," she lied. Harvey hated when he received or was informed of something at the last minute. But, between telling Harvey the truth and lying about why she waited so long to give him the document, she'd rather lie. Donna didn't want Harvey to know that Louis was trying to "protect" her from him. Even if he didn't care for her anymore, which Donna doubted despite her insecurities, Harvey would still be pissed that Louis procrastinated on getting back to him just because he assumed the wrong thing.

A contemplative look fluttered across Harvey's face as he stared at Donna. A strange sensation tingled up her spine and Donna uncomfortably shifted where she stood. Still contemplative, Harvey's focus on Donna unwavered as he reached for the folder. Amy opened the folder and wordlessly handed it to Harvey and he grabbed it without looking. One last look was thrown at Donna before Harvey looked at the document he received.

The file landed on his desk with a soft thump, and Harvey quickly skimmed a few pages, and then said, "Tell Louis that he'll have this back by the end of the day." As Harvey spoke, his gaze never left the document. He flipped back to the first page and intently read. "And tell him that if he pulls this shit again, I'll make him truly understand what it's like to get 'Litt Up,' he quipped.

Inwardly, Donna laughed as she suppressed a smile, and then nodded before she said, "I'll let him know." With that, Donna left Harvey's office.

Of course, she'd never let Louis know what Harvey said.

The rest of the day passed by pretty quick. She spent a small portion of the time returning calls either to his clients or lawyers he was in litigation against. She even placed one call to a woman Louis was trying to adopt a cat from. Donna then transcribed his thoughts, ideas, and suggestions, from his Dictaphone. It was tedious work, but it didn't bother her. Although she enjoyed being a legal secretary, she didn't do always flash and glamor aspects of the job. Sometimes the activities were mind numbing—even when she worked with Harvey, but even less so with him. After Donna finished her assignment, she went to the copy room and send faxes and made copies.

Just as her last copy was spat out from the machine, Amy entered the copy room.

"There you are," she said, and then handed her the folder from earlier. "When I didn't see you, I was going to give it to Louis directly, but he wasn't at his desk either." As Donna took the folder, she looked at it, and then Amy. "Harvey said it was fine as is, he had nothing to add."

"Thanks." Donna smiled. She then placed it onto of her copies and folded her arms as she held the material close to her chest. "How are you doing Amy? How's everything?"

Amy silently chuckled, and then sighed. "I can definitely say that I'm in great awe of you," she complimented. "Harvey…Harvey, definitely keeps you busy, I'll say that for sure. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy working for him, but by the time I get home, all I want is a drink and to go to bed."

"You're working too hard," Donna remarked.

At this, Amy raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You never work harder than Harvey, you work smarter than him," Donna explained as she shook her head. "If you work harder than Harvey, when there is a situation where the shit has hit them fan, you're not going to know how handle it. You've spent all of your time trying to keep up with him that you have nothing left over. Hell, you might even make it to that day or even the end of the month if you keep going at this pace." Donna leaned against the copy machine as she looked at Amy. She took a deep breath, and then said, "This is what you do: create once organizational system for yourself, another for Harvey, and then one that combines the both of them. If your system is in order, it does most of the work for you and you aren't overexerting yourself. Also, if Harvey arrives at nine, you arrive at eight. You're day may end the same time as his or just before his, but it should never start the same time as his; always start earlier than him. And one last thing: never hide your intelligence," she informed.

"Why?" Amy clasped her hands together in front of him. "Why does he expect that from his secretaries?"

"Because…Harvey wants someone equal to him, not submissive to him. You may be his secretary, but Harvey he doesn't want you to make yourself seem unintelligent to make him look intelligent. He's not that type of guy. Harvey only surrounds himself by people just as smart as he is, if not, smarter—that includes you. When I worked for Harvey, I didn't just answer phones and make copies, I went to dinner parties with him and he expected me to converse with mayors, CEO's, and shit and not just about the weather, but noteworthy cases, politics, and other shit. I was never ornamental—you aren't ornamental. You help him do his job from the day-to-day stuff to impressing clients and even being savvy and thinking quick on your feet. Get it? You are an extension of him, so you must be as smart as him. Be assertive, set your expectations, banter with him—make him think you could do his job if you wanted to. Not only will you impress the shit out of him, you'll earn his respect immediately."

Amy shook her head at the information overload. "Wow…that's a lot. But, why are you telling me all of this?"

"Not many secretaries can make it a whole day—hell, most have never even made it half a day. But, you've started your second week with Harvey; it means he sees something in you and if you don't succeed, who knows how long it'll take someone else to make it an entire day." Donna tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. " And, I don't know if you know this, but Harvey can be a bit stubborn."

Both of the women looked at one another and laughed out loud.

Tears of laughter fell from Donna eyes as she slowly wiped them away. She hasn't laughed this hard since…before she left Harvey. Since that laughed night in his office where they conversed over drinks. Chuckles still filed the air as they laughed at her understatement, which was an understatement in itself.

"Basically," Donna said one the laughter subsided. "Harvey expects you to be better than him. He wants you to anticipate his needs. Harvey, just like every other lawyer, is a creature of habit. Everything from when he usually comes in, to his temperament, the relationships he has with others, etcetera, etcetera is what he expects you to pay attention to. After a while, whether or not things are easy, you'll make it look that way because that's how it feels to you."

"Thanks, Donna," Amy said genuinely. "I definitely thought I'd be going crazy trying to keep up with Harvey."

Donna laughed. "Yeah…don't do that. And like I said, set your expectations with him. Harvey's a hard ass, but he's not unreasonable, at least…not totally," she joked. At this, Donna started towards the door. "But, seriously, verbalize your expectations. Harvey does expect a lot from you, but he is also very thoughtful and very generous. But, he'll only follow the lead you set."

Thoughtfully, Amy nodded, and then followed Donna out of the room. "I know it worked for you, but what makes you it'll work for me," Amy questioned. "The way people talk about you here, it's like you're a goddess or something."

In response, Donna grinned. "I'm not like anything," Donna corrected. "I am a goddess. It's one thing to hear stories and another to witness my amazingness," she bragged. "Do you want to know how I began working for Harvey?"

"Umm…sure." Amy shrugged as she walked by Donna's side.

"When Harvey hired me, he already had a secretary," she explained. "The woman was okay at what she did, but I knew I could do better and just like myself, I knew Harvey was an ambitious person. So, I came to him and showed him the razzle dazzle." Donna fluttered her fingers for effect.

"And he hired you instantly," Amy guessed.

Donna titled her head to the side. "Well, no. There was another job offer on the table and I gave him my thoughts on it, BUT…" Donna stopped dramatically and held up a finger. "Once he turned down the other offer, he took me up on mine and that is how I became his secretary. So, trust me on this. Work smarter, not harder—it'll make your life way easier and guarantee job security."

When they reached Donna's desk, she leaned against the front of it.

"I'll definitely keep everything you said in mind," Amy remarked. "Who knew there was a guide to being Harvey Specter's secretary?"

"Yes, if anyone needs a guide in how to successful work for them, it's Harvey." Although Harvey was complex, it stimulated her to work for him. He always kept Donna on her toes, regardless of if he was actively trying. "It'd appear that Louis would be harder to work for, but once you develop tolerance for highly reactive and super detail oriented people, it becomes a cake walk after that."

"Says the goddess Donna herself," Amy playfully jabbed. "I bet working for anyone is a cake walk for you."

Donna tightly smiled and thought to herself, 'Not Jessica.'

"Well, I've got to get back to work. Nice talking to you."

"You too," Donna smiled. Her hands rested on her lap as she stared at her replacement. "Oh, and…" she napped her fingers. "Here, secretaries are more beneficial for Harvey than other lawyers." At Amy's confused expression, Donna elaborated. "At work, Harvey has associates, not peers, which rubs his co-workers the wrong way. They think he's an ass, so they won't help him, but every lawyer speaks to their secretary and, even if they don't…"

"We're bound to put the pieces together anyway," Amy concluded.

"Right." Donna nodded. "I mean, you already know how the secretary gossip mill works, but being in the know about that sort of stuff is basically apart of your job since Harvey refuses to play nice with his co-workers."

"Again, thank you." Amy waved, and then walked to the other side of the office…to her place in front of Harvey's office.

Just as Donna was getting ready to leave, Louis hurriedly walked into his office and frantically searched his desk. Knowingly, Donna looked at her boss as she shrugged on her jacket and grabbed her purse and folder.

"Donna…" Louis began frantically.

The woman in question held up the folder in Louis face, and then handed it to him. "You're welcome," she said, without prompt. "Harvey agreed to the terms of the agreement."

In shock, Louis took the folder from her. "Donna…"

"Louis, I appreciate what you were trying to do, but this is my job," Donna began. "You can't "protect" me from Harvey forever. You'd rather Harvey be angry with you because you handed the deal over late than have me deliver it to him in a timely manner because you want to protect me? What sense does that make, Louis?"

Shamefully, Louis looked at the floor. "Donna, you don—"

"Don't you are Donna me," she interrupted. "Because I DO understand, Louis. But, I'm an adult, Louis, and you need to let me do my job. The concern is appreciated, but your interference isn't."

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again," Louis apologized. "I guess I'm so used to…." Louis searched for words that eluded him. "You being in control and—and tough. That when I see you around Harvey, so vulnerable and insecure, it makes me angry. It makes me want to protect you. Even more so when I remember that he made you cry. I promise, it won't happen again."

Donna nodded. "Good." The two shared a look before Donna said "See you tomorrow."

Louis half-heartedly waved as Donna walked away.

As she approached the elevator, Amy exited with food. Before Donna could say anything, as Amy walked by Donna she said, "I know—I know. But, it's an emergency. Harvey said I could go home, but I know he needs my assistance...and food."

Donna smiled. "Okay, well, goodnight then."

Silently, she rode the elevator down, and then wished everyone a goodnight in the lobby. The cab home was relatively fast and Donna kicked off her shoes as soon as she entered the door. Her jacket was tossed on the couch, and then her hands went to unzip her dress. First her jewelry was removed, and then her dress and tights. Without care, Donna pulled out a random shirt and pajamas puts and poured herself a glass of wine then plopped on the couch with a magazine. Disinterestedly, she flipped through the pages and caught up on celebrity news that's she figured out herself, which was now confirmed, a few bits were mildly shocking, and the rest was 'meh'. With Donna's exceptional ability to read people, behavior, and situations, as well as social media, there wasn't a lot shocking to her anymore in the land of Hollywood.

She finished her leftovers from the night before while 'Sliding Doors' played on the TV in the background. On and off, she paid attention to the movie as she alternated and ate her dinner as she texted Dean.

Her date with Dean was the previous Friday. It went incredibly well and he spent the night—a fact Donna was unashamed to admit. She really didn't get the whole point of setting rules and timelines regarding sex. Donna had her shallow moments where the sex was totally premeditated regardless of her interest in a relationship. Sue her. Not every woman had a three-month rule and not every one saved "it" for the right guy. Some women had an itch that needed to be scratched; some women operated based on lust. Donna Paulsen was one of those women. But, in certain contexts, she understood; overall, if she wanted to sleep with a guy, she would. She didn't feel the need to invest in other people's feelings with how she ran her life.

If the night ended in sex, what was the big deal? They were two adults who had a great time together.

"_We should do this again," Dean said against her lips, and then slipped his tongue back into her mouth. The question posed as a suggestion ruminated in the back of Donna's mind as she let Dean's tongue explore her mouth. She moaned when Dean's lips left her own and peppered kisses along her jawline to her neck._

_Her mind was telling her no, but her body…her body was telling her yes. Inwardly, Donna chuckled at the -esque train of thought. In the end, her body won. _

_The redhead let out a breathy sigh. "We should," she agreed._

_With heavy eyes, Dean looked at her. "Yeah?"_

"_Yeah." _

_She pulled him into another kiss._

_Later that night as Dean lay asleep next to her, Donna pondered her situation. Although she experienced an amazing night with Dean, they needed to talk. Actually, she needed to talk about a lot of things, but the man she needed to talk about it with currently wasn't talking to her. Correction, he only spoke to her when necessary and pretended as if they didn't have a history that spanned over a decade. But, what could you do, right? _

_Donna was unsure if she'd ever get her chance to have an honest discussion with Harvey, but it was a reality she was coming to terms with. The uncertainty. The loose ends and feelings of insignificance. The heartache. It was much deeper than being unable to let go, but more so being unable to process the dissolution of the most significant relationship of her life. _

_There were times where she felt like she couldn't breath. Her chest tightened and her throat constricted—gasping for air, for life, for him._

_She never thought she'd take his absence from his life so hard or that he'd take the absence of hers so well. But, their absences weren't absolute, which made the pain palpable and, if that wasn't the case, Donna didn't want to image what his true absence could do to her. _

_No she wasn't falling apart; she just wasn't handling him leaving well. It felt like grief—like—like—like mourning the death of a loved one, but instead, it was the death of a friendship, or a great love that never was. She'd live, but in the process, she'd loss a piece of herself. She lost him._

_And, with grief, the loss didn't get better, people learned to cope better. So, although she didn't like it, eventually, she had to let him go, she had to let go of them—their past and focus on herself and the present. It was the only way to survive—the only way she knew how. But, unlike the other relationships that ended, none of them were Harvey…. the man she'd been a deeply committed relationship with without being in a deeply committed relationship. She dated the others as a substitute what she'd denied herself. But, now, her "break-up" was with the man himself, so to speak, and she's reached the point where she's had enough of going in circles; of dating men in place of him, of dating men so she could forget, rather than, dating men she could build a life with._

_Without knowing it, she prioritized passion over love; cowardice over truth; uncertainty over vulnerability, when she really should've prioritized herself over Harvey. Perhaps then she would've been honest with herself about just as to who exactly wasn't ready for a relationship. _

_It was so easy to place the blame on Harvey, but she'd self-sabotaged many relationships just as they began—built them on faulty foundations that had no chance of supporting itself when tested. She wasn't ready: wasn't ready to dive into something real with a man other than Harvey and wasn't ready to give herself completely to Harvey as well. Only Marco noticed the cracks and tried to fix it, but Donna abandoned them and made him deal with the mess she made._

_Donna wasn't going to fall into the trap of romanticizing her relationship with Marco and, despite her feelings for Harvey; she knew that her and Marco could've had something if she'd been truly invested. Maybe not a forever of kind love, but something more than whatever she had now: her pattern for serial dating with intent to distract rather than get over. _

_Because, that's what Dean was: a distraction._

_Donna was tired of distractions. She was tired of her own dishonesty and giving her time to men that she wasn't sure she could seriously invest in. She was tired of Harvey being a third wheel in her relationships—a point of comparison for every man she dated, whether they knew it or not. She was going to deal with this "break up" productively, which meant no more distractions. _

_Involuntarily, she looked at Dean's sleeping form and sighed._

_What was one more rebound?_

_It wasn't as if she didn't legitimately like Dean and she and Harvey weren't even on speaking terms to continue her pattern of self-sabotaging behavior. So, maybe this time would be different, right?_

_Right?_

* * *

Giddily, Louis strolled to Donna's desk, and then leaned against the edge next to her.

Curiously, Donna glanced at him while she typed. "What has you so excited," she asked without looking away from the screen. A pleasant smile graced her lips as she waited for Louis' answer.

Louis thrust two tickets in Donna's face.

"We're going to the ballet next Friday and celebrating Team Litt," he said declared.

In confusion, Donna stopped typing. "When did I agree we were celebrating anything next Friday," Donna inquired.

"Well….no, I didn't ask," Louis admitted. "But, come on, Donna, this a momentous occasion: Donna Paulsen and Louis Litt." Dramatically, the senior partner raised his arms above his head and spread his hands as if it were a banner. "They won't see us coming."

Donna ignored Louis' enthusiasm and focused on her original issue. "So you either assumed I didn't have any plans and would come or that I'd drop everything and go with you," Donna speculated as she leaned back in her chair and she crossed her arms.

"Do you have plans?" At this moment, Donna wondered what went on in Louis' head. The man could be so self centered that it wasn't even funny. She knew he was well meaning, but it was actually shocking how much he thought of only himself.

Deeply, the redhead sighed. She clenched her fist, and then pressed it against her mouth. "That's not the point, Louis. Regardless of my plans, it's polite to ask someone to go somewhere with you rather than assuming that they can come. What if I did have plans or—or wanted to spend the day alone? You're making plans without verifying it with the person you intend to spend time with."

"Donna…" Louis whined. "I know I should've asked, but I have this amazing night planned for us and…."

As Louis yammered on about his plans for them, Donna rubbed her temples in resignation.

Disappointed in herself, Donna shook her head. She shouldn't tolerate his behavior, but God; he knew how to wear down a person. Not calling out Louis' behavior only enabled him, but she really didn't want to deal with him and all his drama. Either he'd argue, sulk, or do both. Who has time for that? Admittedly, Donna accepted that when she agreed to work for Louis, part of her job required soothing Louis' ego…frequently. Every job had its drawbacks sue her.

But, she didn't realize that whom she'd soothe egos against included her as well, a huge oversight on her part. Donna could handle Louis' petulance and petty behaviors against others, but have that behavior directed at her by someone as self involved as Louis—she definitely needed to deal with this situation soon. She didn't leave one boss who commanded all of her time and attention because she was in love with him to go to another boss who demanded all of her time because of his self-involved, unaware nature—same thing, different story

Although Dona generally enjoyed Louis as a person, as her boss, despite the small sample size, he could be a bit much. For him, it was either 0 or 100, there was no in between. With Harvey, it was different. On a purely profession level, it was better working for Harvey. He was many things, but self-involved wasn't one of them. When all was said and done, Harvey was a great boss. In all of the years Donna worked for him, he'd been considerate of her time regardless of whatever plans he had in mind for them, business or otherwise. He knew her life didn't revolve him and didn't expect it to. Surprisingly, it wasn't an expectation Donna had to set. Occasionally, he'd wanted her to stay later for a case, but generally speaking; he was good about her leaving at an appropriate hour. All in all, Harvey expected his secretary to do their job and, if the job required it, put if the extra time to get it done.

Harvey was known for his intensity and being difficult to work with, but that only applied to people who either didn't work for him OR wasn't a trusted associated of his. Once Harvey trusted someone, it was absolute. Even if he had rank over someone, it wasn't something he pulled often. Donna wouldn't say he treated everyone as his equal, but he did treat him or her far better than his or her job title. If Harvey had been a flat out jackass, Donna would've left years ago. Hell, she wouldn't have even followed him once he left the DA's office let alone proposition him for a job. But, he wasn't. Sure, he could be moody and temperaments were painful for them uninitiated, but his pros far outweighed his cons:

He paid generously.

Offered an incredible vacation package.

Valued input.

Allowed autonomy on certain projects and didn't micromanage.

Negotiable.

This list went on.

Admittedly, Harvey had an unrealistic view of loyalty and what that consisted of, but he was fiercely loyal and defended those who'd earned his trust whether that were a driver, secretary, or partner.

But, Harvey wasn't her boss anymore, Louis was. And Donna has to take the voice she gave Amy and set her expectations with Louis if she expected this new arrangement to work.

"Fine, Louis," Donna relented. "But, if you make plans for me again without telling me about them first, I promise you I'll never go anywhere or do anything with you again. Do you understand me?"

Vigorously, Louis nodded, and then said, "Thank you, thank you, Donna. We're going to have such an amazing time."

* * *

Donna tightly smiled at him, and then nodded her head before she turned back to her monitor and continued typing.

"Well, this was one way to make it up to me," Dean mumbled as Donna trailed kisses along his neck. Donna grinned into his hair, and then rested her hands next to his head. Gently, she kissed his mouth and his hummed against her lips.

"Did I succeed," she whispered.

Dean nodded. "On every accounts."

"Good." She gave him another kiss, and then rolled off of him onto the bed.

Donna moved their second date up from the following Friday, which she gave to Louis, to the present one. Dean accepted her excuse, but honestly speaking, Donna didn't think Dean really care for the reason, he just was excited to see her sooner.

"So, what's the deal with your boss?" He gently grabbed her and placed her head on his chest.

At his question, Donna chuckled into his chest. "Louis…Louis is someone you need to meet to understand. Words don't adequately describe the walking, talking conundrum he is."

"Oh, so I'm meeting your boss," he joked.

Donna snorted, and then plied herself off of Dean. Lithely, she moved over to the side of the bed and sat on the edge. "Over my dead body," she quipped.

Dean propped himself on his elbows and gave Donna a pointed looked. "What does that mean?"

"It means that…I like you." Silently, Donna looked at Dean. "Trust me: me not wanting you to meet Louis is a good thing," she promised.

Unexpectedly, Dean pulled Donna into his arms and placed wet kisses on her face, neck, and chest. At this, Donna laughed loudly as she felt his lips against her skin.

"You make it sound like…Louis is a nightmare to work for," Dean said after his lips departed from hers.

For a moment, Donna turned his words over in her head. Understandably, she saw why Dean reached his conclusion. There were times where Louis was a nightmare, but she wouldn't describe her overall experience with him as such. It just took a certain type of person who knew how to handle a self-involved, needy person who could be incredibly kind once all of this bullshit was pushed aside. Admittedly, he was a piece of work and most people would walk away, but Louis was a largely misunderstood person who consistently misunderstood others. He honestly needed somehow to hold his hand for social interaction because he was clueless.

"Eh…" Donna cradled Dean's face as she gave her response some thought. ""Like I said, he's complicated, but his heart is in the right place. It's just that I know Louis and he'd just behave like a overprotective older brother if you two were to meet so soon."

"Oh…so you do plan for us to meet?"

Donna shook her head in amusement. "What's your deal with meeting my boss—that's not a thing. People usually strive for the parents, siblings, close friends…"

"I intend to meet them," he whispered in her ear; his lips caressed her ear. "I just was curious why you were so defensive about a joke."

"I wasn't defensive," Donna denied and playfully rolled her eyes. "It's just…when you know someone for so long, you know how they'll react to certain things, you know. And, as much as I like Louis as a person, I know that if you two meet any time soon, I'm probably going to have to protect him from you strangling him all while suppressing the urge to strangle him myself. Believe when I say, you'd most likely be justified in wanting to deprive him of air and wanting a few brain cells to die."

Dean chuckled.

Donna got out of bed and pulled on a shirt, and then slipped on a pair of shorts. She pulled her hair into ponytail as she thought about the ridiculousness of Louis' behavior.

"On the bright side, Louis won't drive Harvey as crazy as much as he used to because I can run interference before anything begins."

Sleepily, Dean asked, "Who's Harvey?"

Without missing a beat, Donna answered, "One of the named partners at the firm I used to work for. Harvey was my original boss. He and I worked well together, but he consumed a lot of my time; Louis doesn't need me nearly as much."

"But, they're both partners…isn't their work equally important?"

Donna laughed. "Yes and no," she began. "They have the same title, but their reputations and the way they operate is vastly different. Louis is all about billables and going to trial; Harvey's Manhattan's best closer and prefers mediation. He brokers deals that range from half a billion or higher," she explained. "Outside of the courtroom and mediation, Louis relies heavily on associates to mold them; Harvey relied heavily on me and now Mike, his protégé, but for the longest, it was just me and him. And when he's pissed at Mike, it was just him and me."

"And now that you've left, who does he have?"

Involuntarily, Donna bit her lip. "Amy."

* * *

"Just say it," Donna prompted.

Louis nodded no. "I'm not going to gloat."

"Louis Litt not taking an opportunity to gloat, I'd never thought I'd see the day," Donna teased. "Just say, I know you're dying to."

"No." He shook his head again.

Donna raised an eyebrow, and then shrugged. "Whatever you sa—"

"I told you so," the words spilled out. "I knew you'd enjoy yourself. Litt's don't do anything half assed, which is why we're all so successful in everything we do. We pay attention and get to the bottom of—"

"I get it, Louis," Donna interrupted.

"Aren't you glad you cancelled your plans?"

Donna gave Louis a hard stare indicating he should shut up while he as ahead. Louis pretended to zip his mouth and throw away the key. At this, Donna gave a half assed smile as they waited for the lobby to clear.

Louis and Donna conversed as a way to pass the time. Attentively, she listened as Louis gushed about the performance they just saw and compared it to the others he'd seen and how it faired against his favorites. In detail, he spoke about several techniques and the dancers who best embodied them. Louis had various lists for the dancers who execute certain techniques the best and lists for the dancers who were the best overall. AND list for dancers in various decades AND lists that compared how all of them stacked up against one another.

Although his ramblings got a bit tedious, it passed the time and was informative.

As the two began to leave, a man approached them.

"Donna," he questioned. "Donna Paulsen?"

For the life of her, Donna couldn't place where she knew the guy, but he looked familiar.

"You don't remember me?" Mirthfully, he laughed at Donna's inability to place him. "It's not as if I'd blame you for not."

Donna held up a finger to silence the man as she focused on placing him. "Simon….Cho."

"You remembered my name," he said in shock. "Wow. It's been like…"

"Eleven years," she supplied.

Louis looked between the two acquaintances and asked, "How do you two know each other? Did you used to date?"

"Oh no," Simon dismissively brushed off. "We had a class together in college and a few years later we worked on the same play together. Well, I worked apart of the stage crew and Donna was the lead actress. She'd give me pointers about acting whenever I'd pester her."

"You weren't a pest." Fondly, Donna smiled as she thought about how they'd talk in the back of the theater about ways he could improve. "I liked talking to you, Simon."

Simon laughed. "I felt like one. I just wanted to be as gifted on stage as you were—everyone did."

"Well, what can I say?" Proudly, Donna shrugged at his complimented. "I don't act, I embody."

Thoughtfully, Simon nodded. "What happened to you seriously pursuing acting," he questioned. "For years I kept thinking 'any moment now' when I'd see you on the big screen."

At his words, Donna ducked her head and looked at her feet. "I…I…it's complicated." A joyless chuckle escaped her lips, and then, plainly, she said, "I settled. I wasn't afraid to try and fail; I was afraid of what I might leave behind."

"Do you have any regrets?" Simon gave Donna a contemplative stare.

"Regardless of the choice, there are always regrets," she answered.

* * *

"You were wrong, you know," Marcus said nonchalantly.

In confusion, Harvey raised an eyebrow as he sipped his beer. "I doubt it."

Marcus laughed. "You don't even know what I'm referring to."

"Doesn't matter," Harvey replied, and then grinned at his brother. "I doubt I'm wrong about whatever you're talking about."

"The day we visited dad you implied that the Temptations were more successful because they were signed with Motown, but the Isley's were as well for a brief period of time…they just never found the same success as the Temptations. They had one hit with-"

"_This Old Heart of Mine_," Harvey provided. "I know, but my point still remains: The Temptations success was due to them having a machine behind them, the Isley's didn't. I'm not arguing about who had more mainstream success, because that goes without saying, I'm arguing that, despite limited exposure, the Isley's are a far more influential group than the Temptations."

Marcus pursed his lips as he side eyed his brother. "Yeah, yeah…you just don't want to admit that I'm right. It's fine, Reginald, you can't always win."

Harvey furrowed his brows. "You're right about? They were both signed to the same label, but the Isley's found success AFTER they left Motown. Are you arguing that the Temptations would've been just as successful without Motown?"

"No," Marcus denied. "But…"

"Exactly," Harvey laughed. "Their success was manufactured by the label; they were given the most popular, talent writers; best producers; paired with popular acts—don't get me wrong, I'm not saying their contribution to music isn't important both culturally and socially. But, the Isley Brothers were far more creative and artistically engaging than the Temptations."

Marcus scoffed. "You're such a music snob, all offense intended."

Silently, Harvey chuckled, and then said, "It's hard to be offended by a man who thinks Beyonce is the Queen of Pop; the very thought is blasphemous."

"For the last time, I was joking," Marcus, explained in an exasperated voice. Harvey cast a suspicious eye on his brother, and then sipped his beer. "We both know it's Gaga."

Harvey visibly frowned, and then pursed his lips. He then leaned back into the couch as he checked his watch. "There are only two acceptable answers for that title is: Madonna or Janet. Anything else and I question if you know jack shit about music."

Marcus smiled to himself; it was bittersweet: both sad and tender.

He wished that more people, beside himself (and, of course Donna) saw this side of his brother. All Harvey allowed them to see was the calm, cool, and collected hot shot Manhattan closer. Not the guy who memorized the lines of teen cult classics, was a music aficionado who loved pop music and said, 'his palate was diverse and his taste was eclectic', put on a shadow puppet show for hours to cheer up his niece who'd broke her arm, stayed up all night with his nieces and nephews baking cookies for Santa because they accidentally burnt the first batch, bailing his brother out of trouble a million times not because he felt he felt obligated, but because he loved him and wanted Marcus to do well.

But, Harvey refused to let others see that side of him. The warm and inviting man who valued family and would do anything to protect them.

Marcus knew that not everyone wanted to get married and have kids, but he knew Harvey did, but Marcus didn't understand what held or was holding him back. His mother was definitely a contributing factor, but he felt it was more than that. It was Harvey's trusts issues, Donna, his complacency.

After he checked his watch again, Harvey finished the rest of his beer. "Alright, I have go."

"Well, as you know, you can drop by any time," Marcus said, as he stood up and extended a hand. Harvey grabbed it and pulled himself. "Meaning you should drop by more often."

Harvey smiled.

"You haven't gotten tired of me these past few weeks," Harvey rhetorically asked.

Marcus grinned. As he helped Harvey put on his jacket he said, "You never get tired of someone you love, just frustrated and annoyed."

This time, Harvey laughed out loud. "So you're a pain in the ass all of the time on purpose?"

"Me? A pain in the ass?" Marcus scoffed. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Harvey rolled his eyes and humorously smiled at his brother. As they walked to the door, Marcus threw an arm on Harvey's shoulder and pulled him close.

"I only do it cuz I love you, big bro," Marcus assured. "How else would you know?"

"Whatever." Harvey shook his head as he tried to shrug off Marcus' arm, but his brother held him tighter.

"Just like when we were little, you can never break loose of me," Marcus reminded.

"So are you going start following me into the bathroom again," Harvey quipped.

For moment, Marcus considered it. "Only if you give me reason to."

Unsuccessfully, Harvey tried to suppress his laughter and Marcus laughed along with him. As their laughter subsided, Marcus' phone rang.

At the name, Harvey froze as Marcus tried to hide the screen.

Mom.

"Harvey…" Marcus began.

"You're in contact with mom," he questioned.

Marcus debated between lying or tried to rationalize, but went with the truth instead.

"Yes," he admitted.

With accusing eyes, Harvey stared at his brother. "After…after everything she's put us through?"

"Harvey…" Marcus sighed. "I know—"

"It's fine," Harvey interrupted. "You're an adult, Marcus. You can speak with whomever you want. Even if it's our mother who abandoned you."

"I'm not going to argue about this with you again, Harvey." Marcus put his hands on his hips and intently looked at his brother.

"Don't worry about wasting your breath," Harvey remarked as he opened the front door. "I'm leaving anyway."

* * *

Silent, contemplative, and morose, Harvey looked at Donna's apartment building.

She left, but…

Harvey sighed and forlornly looked out his window.

He just needed…. he just needed to talk to her.

This wasn't right. Donna not being apart of his life wasn't right.

Outside of Marcus, it didn't matter who else left and/or abandoned him, Donna not being apart of his life was unfathomable. And he knew it didn't make any sense he he's ignored and has spoken to her for about two weeks, but he was upset with her. How could she just leave him and work for leave instead? How could she leave? It was difficult to talk to her—to be around her. Harvey either wanted to yell at Donna or beg her to come back; there wasn't an in between for him.

He could go drinking to feel better, but that wasn't a habit he wanted to develop. Being alone at home with his thought at this moment was probably the worst thing for him right now. Picking up some random woman wasn't going to distract him from the fact that he was in two simultaneous conflicts with the most important people in his life. He just wanted it to be over and for everything to be good again.

Maybe he was too strong on her; maybe he could try to see this from her perspective and be more understanding. Perhaps, Donna would tell him why she left. O, at least, she'd elaborate other than saying she left "for her." And maybe she'd help him understand.

So far, he's held it together at work, but he could feel himself cracking outside of it.

They needed to talk.

They had to talk.

About an hour ago, he pulled up to Donna's place and the lights hadn't been turned on once, so he knew she wasn't home. He didn't arrive at her place due to mindless wondering and his subconscious leading him there, he'd sincerely wanted to converse with her. Harvey spent most of the time in his car across the street from her apartment building lost in his thoughts…lost in what came next.

Pensively, Harvey stared at his phone, and then took a deep breath.

Just as he was about to dial Donna, he saw movement outside of her building.

As if in a trance, Harvey stared at Donna. She was radiant with a huge grin plastered across her face. It's been a while since Harvey's seen her so animated. Suddenly, Louis came into his line of sight. He was smiling as well. They both laughed at a joke Harvey assumed Louis told.

The two converse for a few minutes before Donna warmly pulled Louis into a hug. As she ascended up the stairs, Louis gently grabbed her wrist and quickly met her on the top step.

Suddenly, he kissed her.

Harvey waited. He waited for Donna to push Louis away. He waited her to slap him. He waited for do anything—something. But, she didn't act quickly enough and Harvey couldn't wait any longer. He placed his good hand, his working hand over his eyes and leaned against the window. Tightly, he closed his eyes and wished it was another nightmare, but he knew it wasn't.

After Harvey swallowed the lump in his throat, he gave Ray the orders to take him home.

* * *

In shock, Donna stared at Louis.

Wide eyed, Louis walked backwards and he descended the stairs.

He'd overplayed his hand.

Louis sputtered, "I'm sorry, Donna, I just thought we had a moment, you know…"

Silently, Donna shook her head. "No, I don't," she replied. "What—what moment did you think we were possibly having?"

"We…we were having such a good time and it just seem like—"

"Just seemed like what," Donna interrupted. "That I wanted you," she spat. "Louis, without consulting me, YOU made plans for us tonight and YOU told me to cancel whatever plans I'd already made. Despite my better judgment, I did, which was due to my affection for you as a FRIEND and to celebrate our new working relationship. Okay? I rescheduled a date with a guy I'm currently seeing and who I like A LOT not to share a "moment" with you, but to spend some time with a friend—a colleague." She pointed between the two of them. "This…is not a thing and we didn't have a moment. Just to be very clear and so that there aren't any misunderstandings, I'm not interested in you, Louis, and I doubt I'll ever be."

Louis' eyes watered as he bit him lip and looked to the ground. "Wow…" he said. "I'm sorry for overstepping my bounds. It won't happen again." With that, he walked away.

"Louis," Donna called out.

Donna didn't feel bad about what she said, but Louis was an incredibly sensitive person. He could make scathing remarks towards others—friends or foe—and he'd see nothing wrong, but speak to him sternly and he'd act as if he'd just been kicked. Even if she went a bit too far, Louis overplayed his hand in a major way. HE mad plans for them without consulting her, told her to cancel them, and then after they bounded over her college acting days, tried to kiss her. They made have had a moment, but it wasn't romantic. They were just two friends having a good discussion, nothing more.

When Louis kissed her, Donna was in shock; she didn't know how to react.

It was Louis. They shared a love for the arts and bonded over a few topics, but she'd never seen him as dating potential. He wasn't her type. She believed in dating outside of the comfort zone every once in a while or trying something new, but Louis wasn't it and she wasn't going to take a chance on him. And knowing Louis, he probably was interested in her for all of the wrong reasons. Even if he was genuinely interested in her, he didn't stand a chance, but she did feel that whatever was driving his feelings were misguided.

And this was not the dynamic she wanted to have in her new working relationship with Louis when compared to Harvey.

Why'd he have to kiss her?

Dramatically, Donna sighed and opened the entrance to her apartment's building.

* * *

Donna was torn between ignoring the kiss ever happening altogether and having a long talk with Louis. But, once Louis apologized, she found herself saying, "Don't let it happen again."

For a couple of days, Louis walked on eggshells around her and asked her permission for almost everything including things he didn't even need her permission for. It got to the point that Donna had to sit down and talk to him about putting the incident behind him so they could go back to normal. His tiptoeing around her was off putting and raised the eyebrows of a few partners and associates.

Donna could explain Louis's behavior, but Harvey's was downright perplexing.

There were times where she caught him staring at her and rather than turn away embarrassed he kept staring. He was angry with her and she had no idea what she'd done. She's given him his space and stopped trying to force him to forgive her, despite her doing nothing wrong. Ever since their split, she hadn't known where to place his anger. Even when she tried to ignore it, it always lingered days after an encounter.

But, that wasn't the most noteworthy thing of his behavior; the thing that caught Donna's attention was Harvey's short fuse with Amy. Every since she arrived, Amy and Harvey worked well together. Although it wasn't comparable to her and Harvey, Amy excelled as Harvey's secretary and was a perfect fit. But, now Harvey didn't have the patience for her and treated everything she did as some gigantic fuck up.

Maybe she should talk to him….

Donna wasn't one to martyr for a cause, but Amy didn't deserve this kind of treatment. Although Harvey was temperamental, his behavior seemed to be more than that—Amy was only the scapegoat for problems that Harvey couldn't verbalize.

"Amy, what's going on with Harvey," Donna asked as the two walked to Amy's desk.

Amy shrugged. "I don't know. I was going to ask you if he has phases where he's a complete jackass, but if you're asking, then I guess the answer is no."

"Are there any deadlines approaching, was there any overseen information, lying clients…did you forget something?"

"No, nothing." Amy shook her head. "Friday he was fine and on Monday it's like he had a personality change," Amy explained.

No, he couldn't have possibly seen the kiss…

"I think it had something to do with his brother," Amy provided. "He's been avoiding his brother's calls all week. Told me to tell Marcus that he's not here, and then told me to tell him if he wants someone to talk to he could talk to their mom."

Oh shit!

"Not good…" Donna mumbled. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…"

"What?" Amy said, alarmed.

Donna bit her lip. "This couldn't have happened at a better moment," the redhead said sarcastically. Just as Donna opened her mouth and said, "Harvey doesn't have the greatest…"

As Harvey walked to Amy's desk, he ignored Donna and said, "Pack your shit, you're fired."

Stunned, Amy silently gaped at him. "Excuse me?"

"I said, you're fired," he repeated. "I want you packed and out of here within an hour." Harvey turned to walk away.

Tears prickled at Amy's eyes. "But…but, but what did I do?"

Abruptly, Harvey stopped and walked back to Amy's desk.

"Since you don't understand how this works," he began. "I don't have to explain myself to you. Pack you're shit and leave; I'm done talking about this."

In disbelief, Donna stared at Harvey as she processed what just happened. He-he fired Amy. Donna didn't care what his reasons were she knew they were bullshit. Amy worked her ass off everyday and anticipated his every need. At the same time, she took Harvey's firing of Amy as an affront to her, as selfish as it seemed. Donna's advice NEVER got anyone fired; it only made them more valued. Although they couldn't replace or duplicate her awesomeness, there is no way anyone would fire someone using her methods due to incompetence or not being a good fit.

It was just unheard of.

"Harvey…" the question 'what was that about' die on her lips when Harvey turned his glared towards her and barked:

"What?"

Donna clenched her jaw and looked at Amy before she turned back at Harvey. Carefully, she asked, "What's going on?"

Associates slowed down and looked on at the scene that played out at Amy's desk. No one stopped walking completely, but they slowed down enough to take in what was going on.

On Harvey's part, he didn't pretend ignorance as to what Donna was referring to or deflect. "None of your goddamn business," he spat. Without turning back, he walked away.

* * *

"Can we talk for a moment?" Donna crossed her legs after she sat on the couch, and then patted a spot next to her. She poured herself a glass of wine and took a small sip before she placed it on the coffee table.

"Sure," Dean replied, as he sat down.

"Before I begin, I need you to promise me that you won't overreact," she asked.

Dean smirked as he nodded his head. "I can't promise that, Donna. I have no idea what we're even discussing to make such a promise."

"True," Donna conceded. "Well, can you at least hear my out first before you say anything?"

"Okay," he agreed.

Audibly, Donna took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts. It was hard for her to speak about the predicament she found herself in with Harvey and now Louis, but she needed to tell Dean. "I really don't know where to start. I know the response to that is usually 'the beginning', but this is so much more complicated than that."

As Dean listened, he chewed on his thumbnail. "Is there something I should be worried about," he mumbled.

"Just…let me finish," Donna remarked. "I don't know how our relationship will turn out, but I want to start whatever it is that we have, being honest with each other, which is something I haven't been with other been in a long time. I don't want you to think I've been some conniving, manipulative liar with other men, including you, but I haven't been entirely honest," she explained.

"That's one hell of an attention grabbed intro," Dean quipped.

"Dean," Donna chastised. "Please don't interrupt. You're going to make me lose my nerve." Nervously, she rubbed her hands together. "I don't know if I ever planned to tell you just exactly why I'm working for Louis if I hadn't gone out with him on Friday." Expectantly, Dean stared at her. "Like, I told you over a week ago, you have to know Louis to understand him…I'm sorry, I'm babbling," Donna apologized. "Louis kissed me."

In shock, Dean wordlessly stared at her.

"I wanted to tell you sooner, but you were out of town and I didn't want to just spring that up on you over the phone," she explained. "And I also didn't want you to overreact. Louis kissing me was unexpected and I didn't want it—I told him that I didn't share his feelings and let him know not try to that again, but the thing is: I don't think he kissed me because he was actually interested in me. I think it was because he feels he should be and we get along so well."

"Donna, what he did was inappropriate and sexual harassment," Dean remarked.

"Inappropriate, yes," Donna agreed. "Sexual harassment, no. Although I wasn't receptive to his advances, he backed up when I told him to and hasn't retaliated. And you promised me you'd hear me out," she reminded. "I'm not saying this happens all of the time, but it's not uncommon for secretaries and their bosses to cross that line, okay. Even though I don't see Louis in a romantic light, I'm not going to crucify him for making a move. But, I understand why he did it." Intently, she stared at Dean. "I didn't want that to a secret from you. But, back when it happened, I debated on whether you should even know because I'm used to separating my personal and private; I'm used to dealing with shit on my own. But, then I'd realized that it was completely unfair of my to cut you out of the equation completely. That—that you would have every right to be upset and that I shouldn't neglect telling you altogether because could inconvenience me or cause some issues, which made me think of…. other things. Of…. something else I've cut you and the other men I've dated out of…of the reason I haven't had a fulfilling relationship in more years than I care to admit."

Tears unexpectedly fell Donna's eyes as mirthlessly chuckled and wiped her face.

"When I told you that I left Harvey to work for Louis because Louis needed me less I wasn't being entirely honest," she admitted. Donna sniffed as she wiped her face again. "I've worked with Harvey for over twelve years," Donna said proudly. "And we were a damn good team—the, the best in Manhattan for sure. Although I knew we'd work well together, it wasn't my plan to be his secretary as long as I was—ironically, I wanted to work for Harvey because I thought I wasn't going to stay around long. He had his sights set goals loftier than the DA's office and, as I told you, I wanted to be actress. I knew he'd understand my drive, my desire in wanting to be an actress and the time needed to invest it in whether that be leaving early to practice lines or—or taking time off to auditions for plays. My work ethic wasn't sacrificed for my dream, but my schedule needed to be lenient and Harvey understood that.

"He never asked me to choose between him and my acting career, but…I still chose him. Slowly, I stopped prioritizing acting: auditioning less and less, pursuing roles, and just flat out denied acting opportunities. Acting became a hobby for me. Something I used to live and breath became of a footnote. And Harvey's career, his goals, his achievements became eventually became our career, our goals, our achievements.

"And, you know…" Donna laughed. "You always think 'what if.' 'What if I could go back in time?' 'Or what if I hadn't done this instead of that?' 'What if I'd been more aware?'" Donna covered her eyes and sniffled. She then ran her hand through her hair. "But, no matter how many 'what ifs' I play through my head, I know that if I had the chance, I wouldn't change a thing if it meant that I'd never met Harvey or that he wouldn't be in life. And it feels so fucking pathetic, you know? I haven't had a serious relationship in…I don't know how long and it's all because of my fucked up relationship with Harvey and still…I wouldn't change a thing. But, if I could change the moment I quit being his secretary…I would, despite knowing better and that it was the right decision for me to leave. I mean, I wouldn't do it on a good day, but when I'm at a low moment and miss him like a phantom limb, I'd do it in a heartbeat. No questions asked." Donna could see that Dean trying to avoid jumping to any conclusions. "You have the right idea, Dean: I was—I am in love with Harvey. This," she gestured. "Was my long way of telling you that I am in love with my old boss and I've been for years. And whenever someone would question me about the extent of my feelings for him, I'd deflect—make it seem as if they were being irrationally jealous. When all along…I'd been self sabotaging the relationship from the beginning. And for the ones bold enough to dish ultimatums, found out the hard way that we were doomed to fail."

For a moment, Dean processed Donna's confession. "Did he…did he feel the same way?"

Donna laughed to herself at the question. "Yeah…he did. I knew he did, but I just thought he wasn't aware of how he felt. I was so used to interpreting his behavior and telling him how to feel that I'd never thought he'd be self aware of being in love with someone—with, with being in love with me. And for all of the things he didn't know, that's the one thing he was sure about; and for all the things I knew, it was the one thing I was wrong about."

"Did you two ever have sex?" Dean's face was neutral as he looked at Donna.

"Yeah…once," she admitted. "Initially, Harvey asked me out and I had this…thing about not dating co-workers and so I said no, but I was interested in him and he knew it. Then one day, he wasn't my boss and I wasn't his employee and we slept together." Donna chuckled at what she was about to say next. "Admittedly, the sex was phenomenal, to say the least, but I don't want to make it seem as if great sex made me agree to work for him again. But…after that night, I…couldn't leave Harvey. I didn't know it at the time, but he owned me. He owned my heart and I couldn't leave it or him behind. Before he offered me a job to work him at his current firm, I thought that he was going to pursue something with me. I mean, I knew I couldn't have been the only one who felt something that night and I wasn't. But, just like I couldn't leave him behind, Harvey couldn't let me go. He was terrible at relationships, but we already knew we had a good thing at work, so he settled on loving me from a distance as we worked together because he couldn't risk screwing up and me walking away, which ironically, I did end up walking away in the end. We're two peas in a pod."

"Honestly, Donna…" Dean was lost for words. "I don't know what to say. I mean was easy to verbalize my feelings about what happened with Louis, but this…" He shrugged. "I'm not sure how to react. I'm not sure how most people would react or—or what you expect me to say."

"I'm not sure what I expect you to say either," she admitted. "But, I needed to be honest with you. Even though, I can't get caught up in Harvey anymore, I just think that I'm not being fair to this relationship or myself by withholding something like that…by being misleading about the importance of Harvey in my life."

At this, Dean nodded. "Thank you for telling me. I can see that this was incredibly difficult for you."

Donna laughed. "No, this was easy," she remarked. "Difficult is going to work and Harvey pretending as if we never meant anything to each other. Difficult is realizing that we'll never be close again and even asking for cordiality is asking for too much."

"Why did you leave?"

"Ding, ding, ding," Donna said. "The million dollar question. I…lost myself in Harvey. And, although I was living, it wasn't life. I needed to find myself apart from him and being near him would only dissuade me from trying."

"And Harvey didn't like that," he inquired.

"No," Donna denied. "Harvey doesn't know that. I haven't really explained why I left besides some vague explanation," she explained. "At the time, I was afraid to talk to him…afraid he'd convince me to come back and that I wouldn't put up a fight. So, I didn't explain and I do believe that I owed him more than what I initially said, but I couldn't at the time and he didn't take that well. And, so…besides an argument or two, we haven't really spoke much." Donna bit her lip to prevent from crying.

"You weren't just in love with him," Dean concluded.

"No. Harvey was my best friend. He…" she smiled at the thought of him. "We…just got each other, you know. Almost everything came so effortlessly for us. God…and no matter how bad the fights got and, we've had some pretty bad fights, there was no where else I wanted to be. He made me feel so alive and…complete."

"And now he's angry because you won't tell him why you're leaving?" Dean wiped Donna's face. His fingers lingered on her chin as he stared at her intently.

Donna shook her head no. "No, it's more than that. If I'd left the firm altogether, even if he were upset, which he would be, he would've accepted my vague explanation, but since I'm working for Louis, it feels personal to him. And, as I've explained, it is, but not for the reasons he thinks."

"What's his issue with, Louis?"

"That's another issue in and of itself," Donna explained. "But, all you need to know is that Louis craves Harvey's approval all while simultaneously doing shit to piss Harvey off, which includes tampering with deals and throwing Harvey under the bus to gain advantage if necessary. He's somewhat grown on the years, but needless to say, even though Harvey does like Louis despite his insecure nature, their relationship is very much complicated. So, me working for Louis is seen as a betrayal in Harvey's eyes because they work in the same law firm on the same floor, despite him knowing that before I left, I'd already had a good relationship with Louis."

Dean bit his lip. "This all sounds…very complicated. And, from what you've told me about Louis, he sounds needier than Harvey."

"That's what I meant earlier when I said I wasn't being entirely honest." Donna stretched her legs across Dean's lap. Automatically, he rubbed her legs as he waited for her to speak. "Louis needs me less because I set those boundaries with him. With Harvey, along the way, we cultivated a co-dependent relationship. There weren't any true boundaries. Even though we didn't see each other outside of work, we still allowed the other to venture into our personal lives; we invested in one another emotional more than we had with anyone else. So Louis needs me less because I refuse to allow him the access that I've freely given Harvey; Harvey needed me so much because of the relationship that was fostered between us while we were together: we were two halves of a whole."

"And you both lost a piece of yourselves after you left," he stated, matter-of-factly.

Donna nodded.

* * *

Prepared to leave for the night, after Donna pulled the last file and hurriedly exited the copy room. Earlier in the day, Louis asked her to pull some files for him to go over for the next day since he was leaving early. He left to pick up his new cat and wanted to make sure everything was in order for his new furry child. The cat was unnamed since, 'you don't choose the name, the name chooses the cat' and he had to meet the cat first before the name 'choose' it.

Donna rolled her eyes.

Just as she walked past the break room, she heard glass break. Alert, she went to the break room to see in everything was fine.

Open mouthed, Donna looked on as Harvey Specter stood in front of her with broken glass surrounding his feet and coffee spilled all over his suit. There was panic in his eyes as he clenched his jaw and looked like the personification of overwhelmed. His deep breathing did nothing to calm him and, undoubtedly, Donna knew that Harvey was falling apart at the seams.

Slowly, she approached him.

"It's okay," she assured. "Harvey, everything will be fine." Lightly, her hand travelled up his left arm all the way up to his jaw, and then settled there. For a moment, they locked eyes as Harvey's breathing slowed as Donna breathed with him. Her fingers gently danced in his hair as she promised this time, "It's okay."

Harvey closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. The tension in his chest finally loosened as he felt as if he could breath for the first time in weeks. Everything felt lighter…he felt better. How was Donna able to make everything okay with just her presence? How was she always in control?

"Stand right here," Donna directed as she moved Harvey to the side and out of the way of the mess. Efficiently, she cleaned up the spilled coffee and broken glass, and then grabbed Harvey's arm and took him to the men's room. "I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, she appeared again and, as she opened the door, she stuck and 'out of order' sign on it while a crisp suit was draped over her other arm.

Harvey wanted to ask why Donna had an 'out of order sign', but was grateful that she had a new suit.

Carefully, as Donna removed Harvey's sling, she asked, "Why are you still wearing this?"

"In my sleep, I accidentally aggravated my injury," he explained. His tone was soft and intimate. "My doctor wants me to wear it a little longer just in case."

Donna hummed at his explanation and she assessed Harvey's pain level as he moved his arm. His arm seemed to bother him slightly, but not too much. Harvey noticed her inquiring look and said, "I left my meds at home. The pain is noticeable, but not too bad."

"I thought it was just the hand," Donna said. She noticed his reaction stemmed more from movement around his shoulder.

Harvey nodded. "The doctor said something about the way I hit it did something to my shoulder, which is the other reason I'm wearing it; she wanted me to limit the motion in my shoulder."

With care, Donna helped Harvey take off his jacket, folded it, and then placed it on the counter. She was undecided between taking off his shirt and removing his pants first. Finally, she decided to remove his pants as she undid his belt, and then, after she unbuttoned Donna made eye contact as she slowly unzipped his pants. Harvey gulped. Donna hands lingered over his cock for a moment before removed them. Harvey slid shoes off as quickly as he could before Donna took his pants off completely. She then undid his tie, and then buttoned his shirt. Again, carefully, she removed his shirt on the right side not to cause any pain for Harvey. Slowly, they pulled Harvey's shirt over his head. Once the shirt was completely over his head, Harvey was welcomed to the sight of Donna staring at him intently.

His stomach jumped.

Donna took in the view in front of her: Harvey was definitely a sight to see wearing nothing, but his boxer briefs, dress socks, and a cast. His arm was cradled against his stomach as he waited for Donna's next move.

Luckily, the coffee wasn't that hot, but it soaked through Harvey's clothes and got onto his skin. Donna grabbed a few paper towels and gently wiped all of the areas that had been soaked by coffee. Although she was having issues wiping around the abdomen area, her true test was when she crouched down to wipe his legs and his…manhood was near her face.

Donna knew that if she were to take Harvey in her mouth right now, he wouldn't do anything to stop her.

She could do it.

And he'd let her.

Thoughtfully, she licked her lips as her hand slowly trailed up his thigh. She could see him hardening already.

She was excited herself.

Donna threw a quick glance at Harvey. His breathing slowed and his pupils were dilated. His hand tenderly cradled her face as he thumb traced along her jawline. Firmly, she grabbed the back of his thighs and rubbed them.

She wanted this.

She wanted him.

Instead, she settled for putting on Harvey's clean pants.

Donna wasn't a cheater. She was still with Dean and her and Harvey had to learn how to stop being co-dependent as well as friends without all of the additional baggage, rather than engage in sexual activities. It would make their situation worse. They needed to learn how to communicate and make boundaries. Admittedly, she started this situation, but she could also end it before anything started.

Hurriedly, Donna finished dressing Harvey and thanked her lucky stars that it no one was at the firm since it was late so she was able to get away with her 'out of order' sign. It would've worked for a few minutes during regular business hours, but undoubtedly, maintenance would've arrive to rectify whatever "issue" existed despite being confused about a supposed issue in the men's room.

After Donna helped Harvey put on his sling, they exited the men's room.

"Where are you taking my suit," Harvey asked when he saw that Donna was going to leave with his ruined clothes.

"Dry cleaning," she answered.

Harvey shook his head, "That's not your job anymore."

"You're a busy man," she countered. "Who else is going to do it? Amy?"

Shamefully, Harvey bowed his head.

"You need to apologize to her for that shit you pulled."

"I know," he agreed. "I was an ass."

"You were," she agreed. "See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," Harvey parroted.

* * *

Hurricane Harvey had finally dissipated and the employees of Pearson, Specter, and Litt were relieved, well, minus Litt.

Although Louis knew he could be a largely self-involved person, that didn't mean he couldn't be observant or form valid conclusions from his observations. Despite their fall out weeks ago, Louis was happy that Harvey was back to himself. Angry Harvey made Donna on edge, but hell on wheels Harvey made everyone nervous and jittery. Regular Harvey Specter ignored everyone, but he was predictable and people could be themselves because he didn't give two shits about what they did.

Every since Harvey and Donna started talking again, Donna was the happiest he's ever seen her since she left Harvey. And so was Harvey. But, Donna was also overextending herself as well. She was more than capable of handling the workloads of two named partners—how, he didn't know—but that wasn't his issue.

"You wanted to see me, Louis," Donna asked, as she stood in his doorway.

"Yes," he replied, and then gestured to the chair across from him. "Sit down."

In confusion, Donna stared at Louis, but did as told and sat down.

"Whose secretary are you," Louis questioned.

Donna wore a baffled expression. "Louis, if this is some pissing contest—"

"I asked whose secretary are you?"

"Yours, Louis," Donna said in irritation.

"Then why aren't you damn well acting like it?" Anger bloomed on Louis' face as he leaned back into his chair.

"What are you talking about, Louis?" Donna leaned forward as she searched her bosses face.

"What am I talking about," he repeated. "I'm talking about you splitting your secretarial duties between Harvey and me."

"I'm just helping him out," she argued. "Like I did when Nor—"

Louis held up his hand. "Don't you dare bring up Norma," he warned. "Norma died unexpectedly and you were helping me with current cases as well as funeral arrangements, which lasted a DAY. You've been splitting your time between Harvey and me for close to two weeks. When you helped me, it was because I needed you—it was for emergency purposes and you wouldn't have ever helped me if it hadn't been that serious. But, Harvey fired his secretary for some bullshit reason and could easily get a temp and, yet; you're splitting your time between the two of us."

"Louis—"

"No, Donna," Louis interrupted. "Not only would Harvey allow you to do the same for me or anyone else, you wouldn't dare to, so why are you doing it to me? Where's the basic respect? I am a NAMED partner. What do you think the other associates and partners think when my secretary splits her time between my desk and her old boss? Huh…they think I must sit on my ass all day if my secretary has enough free time to extend a hand to her former boss for almost two weeks. They think that Harvey must have more important work than mine for you to assist him as much as you. Donna, not only is this behavior unacceptable, you are disrespecting my in front of my subordinates and colleagues by continuously splitting your time between us and I forbid you from assisting Harvey unless cleared by me, do you understand?

As much as Donna wanted to deny Louis' accusation, he was right. She wouldn't have split her time working for two people if Harvey was still her boss. Harvey wouldn't allow it, but she wouldn't dare entertain it.

"You're right, Louis," she admitted. "I'm sorry. It's inappropriate and disrespectful of me two split my time between to lawyers, especially when I'm working for a named partner."

"Thank you," Louis remarked. "I didn't mean to come off as harsh, but-"

"No, you were right, Louis," Donna said. "I wouldn't never done that to Harvey; it won't happen again."

With that, she left his office. As soon as she exited, she saw Harvey and they made eye contact. Her demeanor made him stop in his place and he just knew.

He'd have to finally hire a full time secretary.

Sadly, Donna smiled.

As much as she enjoyed working with Louis, nothing compared to working for Harvey.

When Harvey met her eyes again, a part of him had closed himself off to her. It wasn't the same as before…the defensiveness. This felt more protective and guarded of his heart than isolating and trying to push others out. He wasn't trying to cut himself off from her, but rather, protect himself from her.

Donna's heart ached.

Again, they'd only settled for a work relationship, which was due to Harvey refusing to develop a friendship outside of work. They never explicitly spoke about it and, Donna doubt Dean would like it, but it was clear that Harvey was determined to keep whatever they were within the four walls of Pearson, Specter, and Litt. It felt different than before. He wasn't afraid to love her this time around, he was afraid to be hurt by her.

This time around, the separation felt final.

Was this truly the end for them?


	5. New Person, Same Ole Mistake

"Donna!" Her friend Maria opened her arms and pulled Donna into a hug.

"Hey, Maria."

"Hey, too you too, girl," she said, as she hugged tighter before she closed the door behind them. They walked into her living room.

"Hey, Donna!" Two other women greeted her.

"Karen! Melanie!" Donna gave Karen a hug first, and then Melanie. "How's it been?"

Donna sat by Karen as Melanie poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her.

"I don't even want to talk about it," Karen said, as she waved her hand.

"That bad," Donna said with concern, and then sipped her wine.

"That bad," Melanie confirmed. "Leo's engaged to some 19 year old."

"Are you kidding me?" Donna sat her glass down and rubbed Karen's back. "How are you, sweetie?"

"How do you think," she said softly. "I just thought that Leo would realize how foolish he was being and crawl his way back to me, but now he's rushing the divorce to marry some girl who barely graduated high school."

"Really?"

"Yes!" Karen nodded. "She went to school with Nicole who says she was more worried about boys than books—she got the grades to graduate in the eleventh hour." Karen harshly rubbed her face. "I thought I had it all figured out," she whispered. "Marry my high school sweetheart, have his kids, and live happily ever after."

"Karen, it's not your fault," Maria reasoned.

"I know that," she said. "But, it should matter—it should matter if you do everything right. What's the point if you're going to end up divorced because your husband's having a midlife crisis?"

Donna shook her head in disagreement. "You didn't know; life is unpredictable that way. One moment you think you have everything figured out and it turns out you know nothing, and when you think you know nothing and it turns out you knew all you needed to know. There isn't any rhyme or reason—it just is. And sometimes it sucks, but other times it can be very fulfilling."

"You had the right idea when we were younger," Karen said. Donna raised an eyebrow for her to elaborate. "When you said no to Tim."

Donna gnawed at her lip. "I said no because I wasn't ready—you were, Karen," Donna explained. "That was such a huge commitment to make, especially at a young age. I wasn't ready to be a wife and I sure as hell wasn't ready for kids. I wanted to be young and focus on my acting career."

"Do you ever regret saying no?" Karen gulped down her beer.

"Not even a little bit," she replied. "I bumped into Tim a few years ago and, I knew he was married with kids, but when I saw him, I felt nothing. There weren't any lingering feelings or regret. I was honestly happy for him."

"I don't know if I would've felt that way if I were in your position," Karen admitted. "I was so crazy in love with Leo as a teen and even more so when I became a wife and a mother."

Months prior, Karen had called Donna up and revealed that she was moving to the city. She got a job offer there and knew that Donna had lived in New York City for about two decades. Karen got Donna's number from her mother and they reconnected. Donna apartment hunted with Karen when she revealed that she and her husband were getting divorced. Although she hadn't seen her childhood friend in years, Donna offered her support as well as further helping Karen and her kids acclimate to New York.

Karen began to tear up. "See, this is why I don't want to talk about it."

"Sweetie," Melanie began, as she wiped the tears from Karen's face. "It's fine. We can talk about something else. But, we're here for you if you need us."

Just as Melanie spoke, their friend Valerie walked in with food. "I got the pizza and wings—took me forever, but I got it."

"You got lost, didn't you," Maria accused. "If you had just followed my directions—"

"Donna," Valerie said excitedly, and effectively ignored Maria and placed the food on the table. "We've missed seeing you at our ladies nights."

"I've missed it too." She got up and hugged her friend. Coyly, she said, "I've been busy, and it's not like I don't see any of you any other time."

Valerie raised an eyebrow at her busy remark, before she replied, "I know, but ladies night is special. It's a night where we can open up and speak freely."

"Don't you do that all of the time," Melanie quipped.

Valerie kept speaking as if Melanie didn't say anything. "Where we can go out for a drink or catch a movie without kids tagging along or judgmental significant others. A time of being."

"Chad's stressing you out," Donna concluded, and then chuckled.

"Chad's Chad," Valerie said as way of explanation. "Now, work on the other hand-don't even get me started. I need a drink before the workday even starts."

"Why don't you just quit the place if it stresses you out so much," Maria asked. She got up to fix herself a plate.

At this, Valerie raised an eyebrow. "Because I've worked way too hard and sacrificed way too much to get where I am only to quit."

"There other places you could go though," Maria suggested.

"If there were, I'd be there," Valerie answered. "Even then, if it's not one thing, it's another—there's no point." Valerie took a slice of pizza and bit into it. "So, how's the job, Karen?"

"Great, actually," she revealed. "I wasn't sure how I would fit in at work or if I'd be good at my job because it was all so unfamiliar, but I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else."

"Good to know." Valerie sat her plate on the coffee table and sat next across from Karen. "Now, I can vicariously live through you as to what a happy, non stressful work life is like."

"You can say that again," Maria said, as she sat next Karen.

"Oh, shut up," Melanie laughed. "We told you not to date someone from you job and you ignored us."

"As usual," Donna mumbled.

"Oh, that's not true," Maria, denied. "I listen to you all."

"Who are you lying to," Melanie asked. "Us or yourself?"

Donna laughed.

"Fine. But, I don't ignore you all all of the time," she defended.

"You don't ignore us _all _of the time," Donna repeated, and then smirked as she sipped her wine. "If you don't, you just don't tell us all together because you know what we'd say just like when you dated Ray, and then broke up with him for his sister Fiona—only to get back with Ray, which is both messed up and mildly _impressive_ at the same time."

Maria proudly smiled. "It was—on both accounts."

"Perhaps you should practice Donna's 'No Dating' policy for you co-workers," Karen said.

"I would, but I have a lot of hot co-workers," Maria frowned. She hungrily bit into her wing and chewed thoughtfully. "My only misstep was Lindsey and, as you all can see, I'm paying for it."

"Clearly, you haven't learned anything," Melanie quipped. "Shocker."

Maria threw her bone at Melanie, which the other woman ducked.

"So, you've never dated a co-worker," Maria directed towards Melanie.

"Never," she stated.

"You haven't even considered it," she asked.

Melanie shrugged. "I've _considered_ it, but that's all. My work life is stressful enough that I don't need to add any romantic stress to it. No thanks."

"Have any guys asked you out?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "All of the time, but as I said, I've already got enough on my plate to add on a spurned ex. Or to work with my ex for that matter."

"And then there's the gossip mill," Karen said. "Every job I've every worked has been filled with gossip. Everyone knows what's going on with everyone." She shook her head.

Donna smiled at Karen's words—it was true; the gossip mill was no joke. Tabloids had nothing on the gossip that went on around the water cooler.

"Speaking of what's going on with everyone," Valerie turned her head and looked at Donna. "Spit it out: who's the guy—the reason you've been so _busy_ lately?"

"What guy," Karen questioned, genuinely interested. Despite her own recent heartbreak, Karen was still a romantic at heart.

In response, Donna coyly smiled into her cup as she sipped her wine. As she gave her words some thought, she arched and eyebrow and folded her hands on her lap.

"Come on, Donna, spill," Karen urged. "What's his name? How did you two meet?"

Donna smiled. "His name is Dean and we met in an elevator."

"An elevator?" Melanie gave her friend a questioning look.

"Yes," Donna confirmed. "An elevator. He recognized the goddess that I am and knew he couldn't let an opportunity slip through his hands."

"His words or yours," Valerie questioned.

"Paraphrasing," Donna remarked, and then sipped her wine.

Valerie playfully rolled his eyes. "What did he really say?"

"Fine." Donna scoffed. "He noticed me come in an out of this building a few times and decided to seize the opportunity to ask me out. Well, more like build up to it and I just cut out all of the middle and got straight to the point."

"Wait…" Maria held a hand up. "Dean, as in tall, dark and handsome Dean who happens to live on this floor?"

Donna gave a telling smile.

"Ugh…I've been trying to bed him for months," she said disappointedly. "He's such a hottie."

"Seriously," Melanie chastised. "I don't know which is worse: getting involved with a co-worker or getting involved with a neighbor."

"I am who I am," Maria said unapologetically. "I know a bad decision when I see when, but it still doesn't discourage me from making one."

Valerie laughed. "Thank God, Donna took one bad decision off of your hands; I can't imagine what you would've put Dean through by the end of your…_relations_ with your him. Then, we'd hear you bitch about how you can't avoid your neighbor, but still entertaining hooking up with the neighbor across the hall…or is Dean the other neighbor in this situation?"

Maria opened her mouth, and then closed it. "At least I haven't bitched to you all…yet."

In resignation, Valerie pinched the bridge of her nose. "I give up," she muttered.

"No, don't be that way." Maria got up and threw herself into Valerie's arm for a hug.

"Ow, you overgrown child!" Despite her chastisement, she laughed at the woman.

"I need you ladies to keep me in line," she said into Valerie's shoulder. "Even though it seems like I'm not listening, I am."

"You just have a hard to not doing," Melanie supplied.

"Exactly." Maria ignored the thinly veiled insult

"You're such the depraved bisexual stereotype," Valerie said offhandedly.

Maria shrugged, "Like I said earlier, I am who I am."

If it had been anyone else, Maria would've been upset with the remark, but didn't take offense since Valerie was bisexual herself and believed in sex positivity. Besides, whatever true input Valerie gave Maria about her sexual/dating life was always careful and insightful.

Valerie chuckled.

"I'm done denying it," she proclaimed.

Briefly, Donna looked at Maria and then Valerie as she reflected on them and their different personalities. They weren't totally dissimilar, but enough that it was curious that they got along so well and even dated for that matter.

Donna met Valerie and Maria years after they'd broken up and wouldn't have known they'd dated minus the brief references to their previous relationship. There weren't any lingering feelings or attachments of what used to be. Although the two deeply loved one another, they said they knew it wasn't working and ended it before things got ugly. Valerie wanted a house, marriage, and kids and Maria wanted freedom. She wanted Valerie too, but the lifestyle Valerie desired felt constraining to Maria—it felt too inside the lines and like dinner with the Johnsons and having white picket fences. It felt like she'd have to adopt a role and become someone she wasn't. Neither wanted to force a relationship to work and deny the other what they really desired.

In the end, they both made the right decision. Both were happy with their lives and happy for each other. Ironically, their break up brought them closer and they became best friends.

Maria was actually the one who introduced Valerie to Chad. Valerie developed an aversion to dating after she found out that she was the other woman and her boyfriend Jack was engaged. It destroyed her and basically lost hope in love and marriage. Chad wasn't the type of man to sweep a woman off of her feet—wasn't much for romance, in fact, but he loved hard and deeply. Maria observed that they wanted the same things out of life and just shared many things in common overall, but enough differences to balance out each other.

She suggested that they go to dinner and, based on how the conversation went, decide if they'd like to keep going out or become friends.

Reluctantly, they agreed to it and decided to become friends instead. Maria was sure they'd hit it off immediately, but figured them becoming friends were an equally great option too.

Although, they initially did agreed on friendship, they dated in secret shortly afterwards. They fell hard quick and got married within a month. It was unexpected, especially for Valerie since she was the type of person to take her time and all. But, she didn't regret her decision one bit.

In retrospect, Maria could see her folly, despite her success with the match: Valerie had trust issues and, no matter how much she liked a guy or girl, she wasn't going to immediately seize the opportunity if one presented itself. And Chad was reluctant to pursue anyone who wasn't all in from the word 'go' like he was. Through friendship they were able to break down one another's walls and get to know each other from a less intimidating perspective.

It was during dress fittings that Valerie met Donna.

_Gently, Valerie's fingers traced the pattern of the dress. _

_"Get the dress," Donna advised._

_Valerie's gaze lingered on the dress a bit longer before she slowly turned and looked at Donna._

_"They say you should never buy the first dress you fall in love with" she replied._

_"They say a lot of things." Donna stood next to Valerie and touched the pattern as well. "Life is too short to do what they say. Buy the dress."_

_"Is that what you did—what you're doing?" _

_Danna mirthlessly chuckled. _

_"No," she answered. Donna looked at the dress with a mixture of appreciation of its beauty and sadness. Curiously, Valerie glanced at her. "I'm walking away from the dress."_

_Immediately, Valerie's eyes widen. "If you don't mind, may I ask why?"_

_"Because…" She sighed, and then slightly clenched her jaw. "Love is more than romance. Love is the little things and the big things, but sometimes…the little things are more important. Big things are obvious, but the little things add up and, ultimately, show you the real person: if they were really paying attention; if they really listen to and value you."_

_"He didn't value you," Valerie concluded._

_Donna shook her head. "No, not really. He didn't see me, just the projection—the ideal. And you try so hard to say to yourself—I tried so hard to say to myself that he loves me, that he knows whom I am deep down, but there's no way he can love me. Not really."_

_"But, how can you know that?"_

_"How can you know anything," she cryptically shot back. "How can you know that you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone? How can you be sure they want to spend the rest of their life with you?"_

_"Of course you can't really know anything." Valerie folded her arms as she looked down in thought. "There are too many variables—seen and unseen—that can influence any given outcome. I suppose, in the end, it's all about risk versus reward. To definitely state such a thing, as 'he couldn't really love me' would be a recipe for failure in any relationship because how can you know if anyone loves you 100%?"_

_ "As true as that may be," Donna relented. "We all take calculated risks. We assess love and relationships according to the criteria that society and ourselves have already embedded in our minds. Are we robbing ourselves by allowing these parameters?" Valerie smirked—she walked right into that. "Within reason, they exist; there are chances we are willing to take, but there are chances we know better than to flirt with. I'm not looking for a sure thing; I just want the real thing. I want the good and the bad; flaws and insecurities—their idiosyncrasies and I want to want him to see that side of me. I mean I want to be seen as the goddess that I am." Donna gestured to her face and smiled. "But, I want him to know me: I'm all knowing know it all; I can tell you what to do, but I won't listen to anyone else; I love adult sleepovers, but will try to find a way out of permanent co-habitation."_

_It suddenly dawned on Valerie. "You realized you didn't want to live with him."_

_"Yea," she admitted. "How can you marry someone you don't want to live with?"_

_Valerie moved her head from side to side. "It's possible, just unusual is all. Not everyone has to live together to be happy."_

_"I know. But, I want to and—and I know that it's possible for me. I've lived with a guy before and cohabitation was not our issue and I had NO problem living with him and, yet; I'm repulsed by the idea of living with my fiancé. And, it's not just living with him." Donna sighed. "When I sat down and really thought about it…I realized that he loves me more than I love him." Valerie opened her mouth. "I know. Not everyone loves equally, but…I realized that he was in love with me and I adored his attention. I loved him, but not in the same way. Not—not the way a woman should love the man she is about to marry. To some, it may sound like cold feet, but I'm not afraid of marriage and I'm not afraid of uncertainties. I'm not. But, at a certain point in time you have to just put away all of the childish bullshit in hoping that everything will work its way out or that you two are meant to be, especially when the writing is on the wall: he loves an idealized version of myself and I love him, but I'm not in love with him. So, where does that leave us…where does that leave me?"_

_In thought, Valerie gently grabbed the wedding gown that they'd been looking at. "You walk away from the dress." _

_Sadly, Donna smiled at Valerie reaching the same conclusion._

_"So, you came to say goodbye," Valerie speculated._

_Donna nodded, and then dramatically sighed. "It was a beautiful dress—so gorgeous."_

_"I'm sorry…about both."_

_"Don't be." Donna waved up the apology as she shook her head. "These things happen: all engagements don't end in weddings and you don't always get the dream dress."_

_"Still…" Valerie looked intently at the dress. "I'm buying it."_

_"Good," Donna remarked, and then smiled at the other woman._

_Just as Valerie was about to walk away, she abruptly stopped. "Do you have any plans after this; we could grab a cup of coffee?"_

_"I'm free."_

_"Great," Valerie said enthusiastically. "I'm meeting up with my friend Maria, if you don't mind. She's a bit much at first, but you'll love her."_

Karen noticed waved a hand in front of Donna's face as Maria spoke. "Earth to Donna."

"Yeah." Donna slightly shook her head and looked at Karen. "What's up?"

"What's up?" Karen shot Donna a look. "You've been zoned out the conversation for last few minutes. Are we boring you or something," she joked.

"Now, that you mention it," Donna began. "I could use some interesting friends."

Maria threw another bone, but this time it hit Donna.

"Eww, Maria, that's so disgusting," Donna, laughed. "You are such a child."

"I've never said I was an adult," she said, unashamedly. "But, I resent being called a bore."

"Then stop being one," Donna said.

Maria picked up another bone off of her plate. "You know I'll do it."

"I'm sorry—I take it back." Donna raised her hands to gesture that she was through joking about Maria being boring.

"Maria, will you stop dominating the conversation," Melanie chastised. "Donna was telling us about Dean…" Melanie said his name suggestively as she raised an eyebrow.

"I don't want to hear about it unless I see a picture first," Valerie stated. She sipped her drink as she looked at Donna expectantly.

"Val!" Melanie gave Valerie a pointed stare.

"Oh please," Valerie said dismissively. "I'm not saying that looks are everything, _but_ I've never seen Donna seriously date a man who isn't attractive. I want to know what he looks like before I get invested."

At that, Melanie somewhat nodded her head in agreement.

"Are you saying that I'm shallow?' Donna laughed at Valerie's summarization of her preferences.

"No," she denied. "People are drawn to attractive people—it's only natural. When you date, you want someone easy or easy-ish on the eyes, but OF COURSE, they have to bring more than their looks. There are exceptions to the rule of course: MONEY, the person is famous somehow, or they have a great personality—like off the charts," Valerie explained. She gestured towards Donna indicating to hand over her phone. "So gimme."

"Fine." Playfully, Donna rolled her eyes as she thought to herself that Valerie had a point. She did want an attractive mate and there was nothing wrong with that. But, hearing it said aloud made her feel defensive because that is a preference usually looked down upon with disdain.

Quickly, she scrolled to Dean, and then handed the phone over.

"I can definitely see why Melanie was trying to bed him," Valerie proclaimed as she sent his photo in a group chat. The other ladies mumbled in agreement. "If I wasn't married or we had an open relationship…"

"See," Maria began. "I wasn't being a depraved bisexual, just a hot blooded woman."

Valerie gave Maria a pointed stare. "You forget that I've seen and met many of the people you've slept with and the only thing that can be said about some of their looks is that they've got great personality."

Karen laughed into her drink as Melanie laughed aloud and Donna bit her lip.

Maria rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Maybe if you were Melanie I'd agree because all of the men she's dated looks like they've just step off of a runway. Even though she's always holding out about where she met them…" Valerie trailed off as she came across another man in Donna's phone. "Speaking of holding out: is there another man you aren't telling us about?"

Confused, Donna made a face as gave the question some thought, and then shook her head. "No. Just Dean."

"Then, who is this?"

"Who is what?" Maria snatched the phone as Valerie tried to hand it to Donna. She looked at the picture, and than at Donna. "Yes, who is this man, Donna?"

As Donna tried to grab her phone from Maria, Maria tossed it to Melanie who appreciatively looked at the man, and then handed it to Karen. Karen whistled before she wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

Donna gave up and flopped on the couch. "If you all would let me look at the picture, I can tell you who that is," she remarked.

Karen tossed Donna her phone. Briefly, Donna looked at the picture that caught their attention and said, "Oh, that's Harvey."

"Harvey as in Harvey Harvey," Melanie asked for verification.

"Yes, Harvey Harvey." Donna slipped her phone into her purse. "You know, my boss."

Karen's mouth moved, but no words came out. She seemed to abruptly stop every time she was about to speak. "Umm…Donna, maybe I'm just reading too much into the picture, but personally, I don't see boss/secretary when I look at you two."

"What she means," Maria began. "Is that you two look like you either want to rip each others clothes off, are fucking, or both."

In disbelief, Donna stared at her friends. "What? No, no, no, no, no! That's…no," Donna laughed. "I've worked with Harvey a long time, you guys; what you see are two people who work well together—my work husband, if you will. Nothing else."

"Anyone with two eyes, would wholeheartedly disagree with that statement," Karen declared. "Just saying."

"Then they're seeing something that isn't there." Donna bit into her pizza. "People refuse to believe that men and women can work well together without some romance angle."

Karen sighed. "But, I'm not one of those people. I believe that men and women can work together without there being sex and/or romance involved—hell, I even believe that men and women can just be friends without wanting more than that. But when I saw that picture of you and Harvey, I saw two people who want more than a professional or platonic relationship."

"And I'm telling it's not like that between us," Donna remarked.

"Whatever you say," Maria said in a singsong voice.

"Maria," Valerie chastised. "Leave Donna alone."

"I'm just saying: she can keep on telling herself that," Maria began. "But, eventually, the only thing between the two of them will be sweat and his cock between her legs."

Melanie snorted wine through her nose.

"Am I lying," Maria rhetorically asked. "You don't have to do it in front of us, but compare the pictures and tell me that there isn't an obvious difference—that you're seemingly more into your boss than you are your boyfriend."

Donna didn't need to do the side-by-side comparison to know that Maria was right. In the picture with Dean, he had his arms wrapped around Donna's body as they both faced forward and smiled for the camera. It was clear they enjoyed themselves and each other.

With Harvey, they sat at a table. Other people were in the picture, but it seemed no one else existed besides the two of them as the grinned at one another during their conversation. Their bodies faced each other and they were incredibly close—closer than they needed to be. His hand grabbed the back of her chair and her hand rested on his arm. Their eyes sparkled and their chemistry was palpable. They couldn't stop laughing about some inside joke long enough to take a decent picture.

Donna was into Dean, but she craved Harvey.

"If I was Dean, I'd have an issue with you working for Harvey." Maria looked at the other women. "Don't look at me like I'm crazy—y'all know that y'all agree. If it was Chad," Maria said to Valerie. "Or, or…whoever, you wouldn't want your boyfriend or husband looking at another woman like that or having her look at him like that."

"Well, if you were Dean, you'd be happy to know that I don't work for Harvey anymore," Donna admitted.

Valerie snapped her neck and looked at Donna, "Repeat that again."

"I…I," Donna sighed. "I don't work for Harvey anymore." At the silence, she elaborated, "I quit my job. Well, I didn't quit my job exactly, more like I just transferred to someone else in the office."

Valerie sat her pizza slice down to process what she'd just heard. "Why? I thought you loved working for Harvey."

Donna shrugged

"I do—I did," she corrected. "But, after deep consideration, our work relationship was no longer sustainable."

"Why," Karen inquired. "Harvey didn't want to pay you fairly?"

Donna bit her lip. "Umm, not exactly," she answered vaguely. "It's…a little more complicated than that."

Intrigued, Melanie looked at Donna. "In what way?"

"Harvey and I had some issues going further back than I wanted to acknowledge and, when push came to shove, I was done settling for the bare minimum. That's when I finally realized, that since he wasn't willing to offer more, I was done negotiating," she answered.

Melanie faced Donna and crossed her arms. She knew that Donna knew she asking for specificity. "What? Were negotiating a pay increase for all your hard work, better bonuses, more vacation days, flexible work schedule…" she spitballed.

Donna laughed. "Oh please, I'm Donna: the best-paid legal secretary in Manhattan and my bonus checks are blank checks," she bragged. "My vacation days are more than generous and I have the most flexible work schedule of all of the secretaries in major firms."

Proudly, Donna grinned at the great benefits she had when she worked for Harvey.

Karen was confused. "I don't understand what I'm missing here. It sounds like you had it all; if you had it best out of secretary in Manhattan, what wasn't he willing to offer or negotiate?"

On repeat, all Donna heard was, '_It sounds like you had it all—It sounds like you had it all—it sounds like you had it all.'_

Donna wanted to shout, 'I didn't have it all!'

But, instead she remained silent.

"I'm baffled as well, "Valerie agreed. "He paid you well and gave you all these great benefits and shit." For a moment, she pondered Donna's relationship with Harvey and smiled. "Remember when she first started working for Harvey," Valerie asked the other women, and then looked back at Donna. "All you did was talk about him and work. It was as if you thought he walked or water or some shit—it got to the point where we thought you were in love with him, but we laughed at the idea because we thought he was too old and decrepit."

Donna curiously looked at Valerie. "Why did you all think Harvey was old?"

"Because, based on all of the stories you'd told us, I'd never believe a man his age could accumulate so many enemies in such a short time," she explained.

Donna laughed. "Yeah, well, when you're as right as often as Harvey and refuse to play nice with others, you tend to collect enemies outside AND inside of the firm. It's actually a wonder he made it as far as he has…oh wait, it's not: he had me," Donna bragged again. "As Karen said, the gossip mill knows EVERYTHING, so I was Harvey's eyes, ears, and hustler. I mean, I was exceptional at my job before I met him, but I built my brand off of him refusing to get along with others and having to finesse people on his behalf."

"No wonder we thought he was old," Melanie said. "Sounds like a cantankerous old man. How the hell do you get along well with him?"

Donna grinned as she bit her lip. "Harvey's sounds cantankerous, but he's just arrogant, stubborn, and right without compromise. When you're in that type of high stakes environment, egos are easily bruised. And since Harvey doesn't give a shit about working with other lawyers or their opinions of him, they hated him even more, especially because he doesn't need their help to win or they aren't in a position to deny him a favor because they already owe him."

"He's the type who's always two steps ahead," Melanie deduced.

"Exactly."

"I just don't get why you quit," Karen said. "It makes even less sense the more you talk about him. The others know more about him—way more than I do and they look equally confused."

At Karen's statement, Donna weighed her options: she could continue to lie about the extent of her relationship and feelings for Harvey or be honest about it. Either way it was a complicated mess. In the past, she never wanted to admit it to others because of how complicated and confusing everything was—because she thought Harvey was unaware of his feelings and she was scared of the enormity of it all. But, staying silent about it didn't help her move on. Not even a little bit.

Donna was so used to denying her feelings for Harvey and defending herself against unjust accusations that it became second nature to simply deny; that it became hard to admit the truth out loud—hard to admit to herself even though she knew the truth.

They were her friends, but Donna hated the obviousness of his feelings and how blind she was to it. All of the times other people pointed out what was apparent that she easily discarded because she refused to believe. But, her friends easily picked up on his feelings—their feelings and commented on their blatant display of want and desire.

"Harvey told me he loved me," she admitted.

"Oh my God," Valerie gasped. "Harvey's in love with you?"

Silently, Donna nodded.

"Holy shit, I was not expecting that," Maria said in disbelief.

"Neither was I," Donna remarked before she sipped her drink.

Melanie refilled Donna's glass and handed it to her. "So, did he do anything to upset you or am I to assume you left because his feelings made you uncomfortable?"

"That doesn't make sense," Karen disputed Melanie's hypothesis. "Donna said that she left because Harvey wasn't willing to offer more and she was tired of negotiating."

"Oh my God," Valerie gasped again. "You're in love with Harvey!"

Donna took a huge gulp of her wine.

"I mean, it's fits," Melanie agreed. "But, Donna just said she's not in love with Harvey."

Melanie looked to Donna for confirmation, who, guiltily shrugged.

"What? Since when?" Melanie was caught off guard.

"Since…forever," she answered. "Since the D.A.'s office."

"You've known for that long?" Maria looked at Donna incredulously. "You just said you didn't see Harvey like that?"

"I'm full of shit when it comes to my feelings for Harvey, okay," she admitted shamelessly. "It's…we're complicated."

"I can't believe you," Valerie shook her head. "You just gave us so much shit about that picture and it turns out that you've been in love with him the whole entire time!"

"It's complicated, Val," Donna repeated, and then exhaled. Valerie mouthed _go on _as she crossed her arms. "We pretended we set boundaries, but I think we, or at least I, was afraid to look too closely because I was afraid of the truth: the boundary was an illusion. We dated other people for physical intimacy and used each other for emotional intimacy—it's why none of my relationships worked: my boyfriend's were the other men in our relationship. No matter how much I loved or cared for them, our relationships were never meant to last. No matter how many women Harvey slept with or tried to give it an "honest go" with, they were never going to last." Donna looked at her folded hands. "Because to actually give those other people an honest shot meant we had to set boundaries, even more, we wouldn't be able to work together. Because there's no way we could truly set boundaries and stick to them. So, subconsciously, we choose each other…again and again and again.

"I know you're all thinking why did I leave when he told me that he loved me." Her friends murmured in agreement. "Harvey's a complicated person and doesn't process emotions in a healthy or productive way. As smart as Harvey is, for years we fought tooth and nail to get him to admit that he has feeling let alone acknowledge them. In his personal life, I'd have to tell him how he's feeling for him to even act or pursue his feelings, for that matter. Along the way, I realized that Harvey was in love with me, but because of who he was, I also knew that he wasn't aware of his feelings. That was too real for him and too close to home, you know? I didn't want to scare or overwhelm him. Although Harvey listens to me more than anyone else, he wasn't equipped for the type of relationship—an actual relationship. Because I couldn't casually date or half ass, end it, and still remain friends. And so… I'd forced myself to come to terms that I was in love with an emotionally stunted man who I could probably never be with.

"Then, a few weeks ago, were having dinner at my place and we had… a moment. I mean we've had moments before, but never that intimate or raw. It just felt different because it was different." There was a far away look in Donna's eye as she spoke. "And then…Harvey abruptly decided it was time to leave. And I asked him why. I mean I knew why, but I needed—I wanted to know why he had to leave from his own mouth? Why did he always leave before something could potentially happen? Why wouldn't he stay with me the night? I—I just had enough with him dodging his feelings even when he was unsure as to why he was feeling it. And…he told me that I knew why. He said, 'You know I love you Donna' and just left. Just left like he didn't deliver the sucker punch of the century because, in his mind, he didn't. In his mind, I knew…I knew, but…I didn't. I didn't know."

"Harvey's been in love with you this whole time," Valerie's voice was filled with disbelief.

Donna nodded. "However long that is. But, I should've known better—I just wasn't thinking because I'd been so caught off guard," she explained. "I mean, I thought Harvey was going to come to me to talk about it because this was huge, you know? Actually saying the words aloud. But, he didn't and so I confronted him. How—how in the hell are you just going to tell someone you love them and runaway?" Donna bitterly laughed. "So, we got in this huge argument; I was just so fucking angry with him and—and talking to him didn't help matters. By the end, I just wanted to strangle him. He loved me, but refused to be with me—we 'had it all' he said, but we didn't…I didn't. And, so, after some thought, I realized it was better for me to put some distance between me and Harvey to gain insight on myself."

Melanie picked her chicken and she contemplated what Donna had just told them. "I'm hearing a lot about Harvey's feelings and how you made decisions based on what he may or may not have been aware and/or prepared for, but what about your feelings? When did you realize that you were in love with Harvey?"

"The DA's office," she confessed. "I didn't know it back then and I had my no dating policy as well. It was after we left for his current firm that I realized it. Even then, I thought I just had a thing for him, you know? He's hot and very charming. It wasn't until I slept with him that I realized I was in love with him—"

Valerie spluttered and coughed. Tears ran down her face as she tried to clear her airways.

"What a minute," Karen said, as she held a finger up and tried to wrap her mind around what she just heard. "You and Harvey slept together?"

Valerie repeated her. "You and Harvey _SLEPT_ together?" She looked at Donna in disbelief. "When was this?"

"After we quit the D.A.'s office?" Donna bit into her chicken and chewed. "It was right before I went to work for Harvey at Pearson Hardman."

"That's a long damn time," Melanie thought out loud. "How was it?" The woman waggled her eyebrows.

"It was…"Donna sighed as she thought back to that night. How could she adequately describe the experience? "Intense, passionate and…_sweet_," she said sadly as a smile graced her lips.

"_Sweet_," Karen repeated.

"_Sweet_," Donna nodded.

"So what happened?" Maria folded her legs as she sat on the couch.

Donna messed with her nails. "He asked me to come with him at his new…said he needed me and didn't want to find out what kind of man he'd be without me. That he wouldn't have come over my place if he'd known he'd get the other job. I figured that he didn't feel the same way about me—I mean, if you want to be with someone you wouldn't make them your secretary. I could've said no and went somewhere else, but I did enjoy working for Harvey and thought I'd get over him eventually and be an actress by now."

"But, that didn't," Valerie said.

Donna nodded. "Nope…that didn't happen.

"Did you two ever talk about it," Maria asked.

"The fact that it's '_affectionately_' referred to as the other time, that should give you a clue."

"The other time," Melanie repeated.

"Yes," Donna confirmed. "It's a reference to the amount of times he'd been to my place a while back, which was a total of two: my mother's horrid dinner party and the time we had sex. That particular occasion made three."

In confusion, Maria's brows furrowed. "He's only been to your place three times?"

"Well, no—four; including the time we almost had sex a few weeks ago," she explained. "But, there's no reason for Harvey be at my apartment."

"Yet, he was," Valerie, pointed out. "And two of those occasions consisted of a sexual encounter and an almost sexual encounter."

Donna gave a tight lipped smiled. "Thanks, for filling me in; I didn't know that, Val."

"Well, now you know." Donna flipped off Valerie.

"Does he know what you left," Karen asked.

"No, not really," she admitted. "I'm afraid to tell him the truth because I'm afraid that it wouldn't take much convincing for me to come back and fall into old habits. Hell, I almost fell back into old habits with him because he stopped being mad at me for a while." Donna looked at her lap. "Just because he started smiling at me again and saying my name like I was the only person who mattered…" A stray ear dripped from Donna's eye. "And—and looking at me again like it was him and against world like it'd been for years. And…it's hard not to get lost in the sort of familiarity. The—the type that you've longed for since you thought it was a good idea to walk away. I missed him and it just felt so good to have a part of myself back. That's why I can't tell him: he won't let me go if he knows the truth."

Intently, Maria stared at the red head. "No offense, Donna, but cut the bullshit. As the poster girl for a person who consistently makes bad decisions DESPITE knowing better, what's going on now—this strained, awkward relationship you have going on with your former boss, is on you. I think, you've mostly admitted to yourself; you're very self-aware…you've always been self-aware. BUT, stop trying to control Harvey and how he may react. You can't and you'll never get an authentic response out of him if you keep manufacturing and controlling the results. If you keep trying to win or—or put countermeasures in place to mitigate potential damages, you're going to push his further away," she explained. "I don't think you mean to play puppet master, but you're afraid of how much you love Harvey that you won't allow some things to be so you won't have to watch it end."

"Because you weren't afraid of uncertainties until you were," Valerie provided. "You've always been spontaneous and go with the flow and whatever happens, happens when it came to relationship, but from what you've just told us: when it comes to making a safe choice or taking a risk, you'll take the safe choice regarding Harvey. Safer to take the job rather than tell him how you feel, safer to date and have sex with others all while receiving emotional intimacy from him, safer to work for him and be in love with him rather than pursue your feelings and see what happens next. You're simultaneously settling for Harvey all while refusing to be with him if that makes any sense." Valerie looked both intrigued and perplexed.

"I think I'm following," Donna remarked.

Valerie took a deep breath. "You'll settle for emotional intimacy if it doesn't require a relationship, but you refuse to be with him if and once you have the actual chance; you push him to understand his feelings, but prevent or manipulate him from understanding the extent of his feelings for you. It's contradictory and illogical."

"I didn't…I didn't do that…" Donna said. As she listened to herself speak, it sounded as if she didn't even believe herself. "Oh my God…I—I –I self sabotaged my relationship with Harvey."

She didn't just control their relationship and was afraid to pursue something more with him, she cast a self fulfilling prophecy that became more and more realized as she maintained distance and upheld secrecy in matters that concerned Harvey. Donna began to panic.

Where to begin?

How to begin?

Could she fix this?

"Start with Harvey," Karen suggested.

"Huh?" Donna frowned.

"It's written all over your face," Karen said, as she gestured to the red head. "Start with square one: talk to him."

* * *

Pretty self-satisfied, Harvey exited the backseat of his car and smiled to himself.

People could say whatever it is they wanted about him, but no one could deny that he was the best closer—for both mitigation and signing clients. In both circumstances, potential clients and opposing attorneys thought they held all of the cards in their hands when it was really Harvey; he controlled the board and set the pace.

Lazy people didn't do what he did.

Although Harvey didn't care much for research and vetting, he knew his shit. He knew what to look for and how to read people. People assumed he sat on his ass and reaped all of the credit. But, no one else was closing the type of deals that he was and he didn't use the pool of associates to lighten his load or depend on paralegals.

For years, it was Harvey and Donna. She was all he had because she was all he trusted. Then, Mike helped assist them. After Donna left, it was Amy and Mike. And now it was just Mike. That's a total of three people who helped Harvey for his caseloads and, most of the time, it was Donna who'd been his partner in crime. So, how in the hell was Harvey lazy or swooping in and taking credit? Although Donna was insanely intelligent and savvy, she wasn't a lawyer, which meant there was only so much she could research for him before he had to do it himself. Mike was an incredible faux lawyer, but his knowledge only extended so far. And not only didn't Amy have any law experience like Donna, she wasn't even around much to make any accusations against her.

People loved to criticize him, but at the end of the day, they knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be: a named partner. He won cases, he attracted the high profiled clients—most of the law firm's revenue came from him. But, honestly, he was just a damn good lawyer.

As Harvey walked towards his work building, Amy stepped in front of him.

"Amy." Harvey stopped and looked at her curiously.

"Harvey," she parroted. Hurt and anger radiated from her gaze as she addressed Harvey, "When people heard that I was working for you, they had a lot of choice words to say, but I didn't believe them. At the time, I'd briefly met you once and you weren't anything like people described you and, not to mentioned, Mike thought highly of you, so I figured you couldn't have been as bad as people say." Amy bit her lip. "And then we worked together and I saw for myself that you weren't the man people painted you as. Sure, you were a bit intense, but you weren't overbearing and never asked too much of me." Amy stood tall and looked Harvey in the eyes. "But, it wasn't until you fired me that I saw what they meant—it wasn't until you treated me like shit that I saw just how much of an asshole you could be and I didn't deserve that. Not even a little bit."

"You're right," Harvey agreed without hesitation. "You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry for taking my shit out on you. It was uncalled for."

Momentarily, thrown for a loop, Amy lost her train of thought. Not only were Harvey's words sincere, he looked apologetic as well.

"It was," Amy replied. "And humiliating. I've—I've—I've never felt so humiliated in my entire life. Do you know how that feels, Harvey?"

Harvey nodded.

"No, you don't because if you did, you wouldn't have done that to me," Amy countered.

In thought, Harvey considered her words. Admittedly, he was afraid of being humiliated, but he hasn't truly been humiliated before, perhaps, if he counted high school, but never as an adult. And not only did he humiliate Amy, he did it in a very public way. Regardless of if people thought her firing was warranted, it didn't take away what he did to her in front of others or that her firing was undeserved.

As much as Harvey wanted to put his misplaced on the disturbing scene outside of Donna's apartment, he knew that wasn't true. No, it'd been his mother. Although he'd told Marcus that he could do whatever he wanted, Harvey was upset that his brother chose to build a relationship with their mom. Every since their dad died all they've ever had was each other and Harvey expected Marcus to choose him. In Harvey's mind, it was either or. There wasn't any room for and or as well.

Was it selfish? Yes, but was it wrong to be selfish in wanting to keep your brother, your closest family member close, to yourself especially after all of the heartache and turmoil their mother put them through?

Maybe Marcus was right: Harvey didn't know how to love someone if they hurt him, which was why he hadn't been open to forgiving his mom. And maybe he did feel that their mother left him when she left their dad, but Marcus didn't know what it was like to deal with their mother's behavior. Growing up, Harvey tried to shield his brother from the negative side of Lily's behavior.

As a kid, at times, Harvey would cover for their mother's unenthusiastic responses to her children's achievements or work. He also isolated her while she was drunk. And kept his mother's infidelity secret because he didn't want to break his dad's heart…especially the last part. Their mom shouldn't have put him in that situation in the first place. And once he stopped being he secret keeper, she left. Was he not entitled to his anger and disappointment? All he ever wanted was a mother and for his family to be happy and all she ever wanted was to be anywhere else.

But, Marcus was also wrong about him having high standards for others. His mom made mistake after mistake and he got fed up with forgiving her and keeping her secrets, especially after she left. And, as much as he loved his brother, it took years for him to get himself together. As a kid, Marcus was irresponsible and didn't care about school. Harvey had to force and bribe his younger brother to do his work. It went without saying how deeply Harvey loved his father, but he didn't understand what his dad allowed his mom to get away without all because he loved her. It wasn't the fact that Gordon gotten heartbroken after she left that disappointed him, it was the fact that he never called their mother out when she was being a shitty parent—not really.

Granted, Harvey wasn't perfect himself, but it wasn't as if he didn't have the right to be annoyed with his family.

Ultimately, this recent work fuck up had everything to do with Harvey's unresolved issues with his mom. When Harvey honestly thought about it, he was unsure if he really wanted to resolve it. His best option was to find peace with Marcus' decision to develop a relationship with their mom, especially when it got to the point where he took his anger out on innocent bystanders.

"Amy…I fucked up," he said plainly. "And what I'm about to say to you isn't to make you feel better, I'm saying it because it's true: you are a remarkable secretary. Not only are you adaptable, you have a keen eye for detail, and you're skilled at anticipating the wants and needs of others. Admittedly, I'm not a chirper person, but you're positivity is an asset to whomever you're working for, and I honestly enjoyed working with you. Any employer who doesn't know your worth as their secretary is a dumbass and that includes myself." Amy smiled against her better judgment. "I knew your worth, but fired you because I was caught up in my own shit and took it out on you."

Amy's eyes watered. "Thank you for that."

Harvey gave a tightlipped smile.

"If you're crazy enough to want to work for me again, the job is yours," Harvey offered.

With a serious expression Amy looked at him. "I'll consider it."

In understanding, Harvey nodded and extended his hand to his former secretary. Firmly, she shook his hand. When Harvey tried to pull away, Amy held on tight.

"Upon deep consideration, I accept your offer." She smiled.

In shock, Harvey looked at her.

"What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment." Amy shrugged as she held the door open for Harvey. "Besides, I can understand why you went off—I could sense that you were a ticking time bomb waiting to explode."

"Really? No…no, I wasn't," Harvey denied.

Amy glared at him. "You fired me because of personal shit that had nothing to do with me…. how else would you describe that?"

Harvey pursued his lips. "Point taken."

"But, put your shit on me again, and I won't be so understanding next time," she threatened.

"I won't," he promised. They silently walked to the elevator together as they stopped, Harvey abruptly asked. "Why do you want to work for me again? I know some schmuck has offered you more money than me."

Amy chuckled. "Actually, I've gotten several offers," she volunteered, and then pressed the up button. "You're intense and challenging to work for, but in a good way…and you don't make me feel like less for not being a lawyer or making as much money as you," she explained. "You take me seriously and not like some decorative piece that sits outside your desk. And my opinions and the work I do for you actually matters—like, okay, everything I do for you matters, but since you give me more work than your average secretary I feel involved in your successes. It's kinda hard to work away from that kind of power."

Both Amy and Harvey laughed.

They elevators opened and Harvey let Amy walk on first as he entered in after her.

"Harvey, I don't mean to ruin the mood, but Donna was part of the reason I excelled as your secretary," she admitted.

Harvey smirked. "You didn't think I knew that," he questioned. "Part of the reason I kept you on was because you were smart enough to use Donna as a resource. You think that she was the only one to pick up something in our 12 years together. I know a trademark Donna-ism when I see one."

The door closed as the elevator took them to the main floor of Pearson, Specter, and Litt.

* * *

Louis burst into his office and immediately began pacing.

Donna rested the folders on his desk and looked at her boss.

"What's wrong, Louis?" In concern, she looked at him as she perched on the edge of his desk.

"I don't get it," he exclaimed. "Wha—what is it about Harvey that allows him to treat others like shit that people just forgive him?"

Confused, Donna frowned. "What are you talking about, Louis?"

"What am I talking about," he repeated. Louis looked tempted to rant, but thought better of it. "Amy's working for Harvey again."

"Amy's working for Harvey again," Donna, repeated. "Are you sure?"

Louis rubbed his head. "Yep. I asked myself."

"What's wrong with that," she questioned. "It's great news. Harvey has his own secretary who we know he won't fire for just breathing, which is always a plus," she added. But, Donna wondered herself how he got Amy to come back; especially considering that how he fired her was pretty humiliating.

"Don't you get it," Louis asked. "Donna, I don't give a shit about who works for Harvey, but he can treat people like absolute shit and they forgive him. But, if I were to do that, I'd be told to eat shit. Harvey can get away with murder and I can't even get away with having a bad day."

Donna crossed her arms and intently looked at Louis.

There were so many things she wanted to stay and too many places to start. How does one begin to not only explain, but also break down the specifics of why people treat Louis differently than Harvey? How does she explain why, more times than not, they're justified in this sort of discrimination.

Thinking about it and the conversation it would entail exhausted her.

"Give it a rest, Louis," she said, instead.

Appalled, Louis looked at her. "Give it a rest?"

"Yes." Exhausted, Donna looked at Louis. "Louis, aren't you tired? I'm tired."

Confused, Louis thought about her question. "Tired of what?"

"Tired of obsessing about Harvey," she answered. "I get it, you think that Harvey's some untouchable Golden Boy, but don't you get tired of focusing so much of your energy on him? Don't you get tired of hating him?"

"I don't—I don't obsess about Harvey," he denied.

Donna sighed. "Whatever," she mumbled as she walked to the door. "A piece of advice, Louis: being nice to people just because takes you a long way. Being nice because you want something or because you feel like it only gets you so far. Perhaps Amy forgave Harvey because he treated her well even on his bad days and the day he fired her was an exception not a rule."

Long after Donna left his office, Louis considered her words.

For over an hour, Louis unsuccessfully tried to concentrate on his work. Every time he tried to read or type a document, his thoughts drifted to his conversation with Donna. His mind was too jumbled and he was too riled up to just disregard what she said. Although he wasn't one to really heed others words and advice, Donna was one of the few people he did listen to.

He didn't obsess, did he?

Louis sighed.

Was she right?

A few minutes later, Louis cornered Donna in the file room.

"I don't obsessed about Harvey," he vehemently denied. "And, if I do, it's because, like I said earlier, it's because he gets away with everything—he—he gets everything handed to him." Tears shone in Louis' eyes as he spoke. Although Louis briefly recalled the dinner at Jessica's about Harvey's education, it still felt like the younger man got everything.

Indifferent, Donna asked, "And what has obsessing over Harvey gotten you? Where has it gotten you, Louis?" Donna shrugged to indicate she didn't know herself. "Harvey is still the more respected lawyer. He still has better personal and working relationships. He outranks you in many things, Louis, and not because people allow him to 'get away with it.'" At Louis' frown, Donna sighed. "Like I said earlier, people forgive Harvey because the good outweighs the bad; they have far more good memories of Harvey treating them well and sharing jokes than they do of him treating them like shit, which isn't often, by the way. You, on the other hand, are known for mistreating people even if you don't believe you do. So you are the one who doesn't get it."

"You're right, and I guess I never will," Louis exclaimed, his tone was self-defeating.

"Louis…" Donna held the files tightly against her chest. "You and Har—"

As an associate walked in, Louis yelled, "GET OUT NOW!"

Terrified, the associate hurriedly backed out of the room and closed the door. Louis walked to the door and held it shut. "As you were saying?"

Inwardly, Donna cringed. Although she understood his reaction, that sort of behavior was why he had the sort of reputation he did."

"I was saying," she continued again. "You and Harvey are two vastly different people. When it comes to trusted co-workers, in your mind, fear is the best motivator and how respect is earned from you, where as for Harvey, it's respect and trust. I'm not saying that Harvey isn't a jackass, because he is," Donna admitted truthfully. "But, at least those who like an work closely with him, know that he respects them. Those who work closely with you, do not. Because, this isn't even about just the good moment with Harvey, but rather, the fact that he treats them like they're human, and knows that every mistake and misstep doesn't deserve scathing remarks or petty and vindictive behavior. You don't. When it comes to authority figures like that, people can forgive former; they will not forgive the latter." For a moment, they wordlessly stared at each other. "Honestly, Louis, I don't know what you want from Harvey, but enough is enough."

* * *

"Ah, come on!" Marcus raised his hands in disbelief. "That doesn't even make sense," he exclaimed.

Harvey was unsure if Marcus' remark was directed at him or the screen. Probably both.

"You called that shit an hour ago," Marcus said. "This is why I don't watch movies with you, you ruin everything."

Harvey smirked as he popped a few pieces of popcorn in his mouth. "It's not my fault you're unobservant," Harvey quipped.

Marcus faux laughed, which Harvey mocked his brother by mimicking his laugh. They continued on for a bit before the two genuinely laughed.

As the credits rolled, Marcus threw popcorn at the screen.

"Hey, hey," Harvey admonished. "This is the exact reason I don't invite you over."

Marcus rolled his eyes. "Really? I thought it was because you worked insane hours and barely have time for a personal life."

Harvey rolled his eyes.

"I'm not bitter," Marcus assured. "I do want to see you more, but I understand." An introspective look flittered across his face. "We all have things that take up a lot of our time. I have my family and you have your job. I used to resent it, but…I can't resent something you love, especially when you worked your ass off to get where you are."

"Marcus, I'm sorry for not being around more. Or if I've made you think I love my job more than you."

"Don't." Marcus patted Harvey's knee. "Don't apologize for doing something you love. We all gotta get our happiness from somewhere."

"Yeah…" Harvey mumbled. But, he knew his happiness wasn't centered primarily on work, but who used work with encounter every day as well.

As if reading his mind, Marcus asked, "How is Donna?"

Considering his question, Harvey sipped his beer. "Honestly, I don't know," he admitted.

Marcus frowned. "You don't know?"

Harvey nodded.

"Care to elaborate?"

Harvey sipped his beer again. "Not really," he answered honestly. Marcus read the raw hurt in his eyes and dropped the subject for now.

Abruptly, Harvey changed subjects, "I don't I'll ever have or want a relationship with mom," he admitted. "But, I'm not going to stand in your way anymore or resent for having one with her. You were right about why I have an issue with her."

In shock, Marcus looked at his older brother.

"Excuse me?"

"Marcus," Harvey said seriously. "We're not going to do this—we're not having some long, drawn out conversation about my feelings about her. Not now and most likely not ever, but I love you and it's not conditional. I don't want put you in a position to choose and I don't want you to resent me for that."

"You're assuming I'd choose you," Marcus stated.

"I know you would," Harvey arrogantly replied. "Regardless, I don't want to make you feel like you have to choose like you did back then. I don't feel as if I've missed out on anything with her not being around, but clearly you do."

Marcus nodded. "So, I'm assuming there won't be any brunches between the three of us in the near future?"

"You've assumed correctly."

"Noted." Marcus popped an M&amp;M in his mouth. "For the record, if I had to choose, I wouldn't resent you for it."

"Yes, you would," Harvey contradicted.

"Maybe at first," he admitted. "But, you were right: she left and you didn't. I can't resent you that and it's bullshit to try to put any of that on you. I'm sorry about that." Harvey bumped shoulders with his brother. "I sometimes forget that you're a big softy underneath." Harvey rolled his eyes. "You are…but I also forget that, before mom left, you were always covering up for her fuck ups. You always tried to keep the family together and be a role model for your little brother." Marcus teared up. Audibly, he sighed. "I didn't have your responsibilities and I wasn't forced to carry mom's secrets. I wasn't the one constantly disappointed."

"I was just trying to protect you the best way I knew how."

"I know," Marcus said in understanding. It went without saying that he could fight his own battles now, what Marcus said instead was, "It doesn't matter how old we get, you'll always be my big brother and you'll try to protect from being hurt…even if it's by our own mom."

"You got that right, no one fucks with my little brother," Harvey said softly as he rested his head on the back of the couch and stared straight ahead. "No one."

Marcus understood that part of Harvey's protective nature of him was because he'd always been protective of the younger Specter. But, after conversing with Trina, Marcus realized that he was all of the family Harvey had. Yes, they had extended family, but as a result of their parents' affair, they didn't have a relationship with either side. Gordon's family didn't like Lily due to how their relationship began and Lily's family didn't think Gordon was good enough for their daughter. When both sides refused to accept the relationship, Gordon cut off his family, where as Lily was cut off from hers. As a result Harvey and Marcus rarely interacted with either and the last they did, they were adolescents.

After Marcus married Trina, he'd begun to see the family he made with her and her family as Harvey's family, so it didn't occur to him that he was all Harvey had. Even though Trina's family loved Harvey, still…they weren't his family.

Not really.

So, of course, he'd be protective of Marcus when their mother re-entered the picture because what if she posed a threat to their relationship? Then, who would he have?

At the knocking sound, Marcus broke from his train of thought.

"Are you expecting anyone?"

Harvey's confused expression, answered his question.

"No." Only three people could get through the lobby without prior warning and one of them was in his living room.

"Do you want me to get it?"

"No," Harvey answered. "I got it."

* * *

Nervously, Donna waited for Harvey to answer the door. She's waited long enough to put this talk off and it was time to be honest with her former boss.

Slowly, Harvey opened the door, and then softly closed it behind him.

He didn't look surprised to see her.

"What do you want?" His tone wasn't rude, but it wasn't inviting either.

To be honest, Donna didn't know what to expect of Harvey. He went from hating her to being cordial to some weird mixture after she stopped assisting him at work. Although Donna didn't think it wasn't because she stopped, she was baffled at the change in his behavior as well as conflicting emotions.

From what she knew, Hurricane Harvey had permanently subsided, at least, when it pertained to Pearson, Specter, and Litt. But, Harvey Hurricane seemed to rage on within and Donna knew it had something to do with her even though he no longer behaved demonstratively.

"I want to talk," she answered.

Harvey figured it wasn't urgent because Donna would've said so if it was. And since she didn't, he said, "I'm busy right now."

Donna's face dropped.

Curiously, he noted her reaction as well as he constant gazes to his door.

She thought he had a woman in his apartment.

Since the night she'd left, he hadn't been with anyone, ironically. Part of it had to do with his arm and the other was that he really wasn't in the mood. For a while, he was angry all of the time and just didn't have the energy to pick up women. It wasn't that he wasn't being "faithful" to her because, honestly there was nothing to be faithful to, especially because she moved on. But, what happened between them felt momentous and final and Harvey never did well with change.

He was still sorting through his feelings and trying to make sense of this new life.

Everything was ass backwards now and the word normal now felt foreign and crude in his mouth.

Due to the fact that, old habit died hard, Harvey was tempted to ask her what she wanted to talk about. But, thought better of it. Despite the late hour, they could talk about this later…when he wasn't so emotionally raw.

Although he owed her nothing, as mentioned, old habits died hard, he said, "Marcus is here."

A pleasant emotion enveloped Donna's face.

She liked Marcus. She always has.

"Really? How is he," she genuinely asked.

Harvey stared at her for a moment. "He's good." The stood in silence and took in one another. "Well… I have to get back in there. We'll talk on Monday."

If she didn't talk to him tonight, she'd probably lose her nerve. "I don't mind waiting, Harvey," she remarked.

At this, Harvey clenched his jaw. "Then, you can wait until Monday," he stated. "I am not in the mood to have this discussion—whatever the hell it is—tonight. And if you can't wait until then, then too damn bad. So you either take it or leave it, but this is not up for negotiation."

Suddenly, he became pissed again. Her insistence on speaking tonight enraged him.

With narrow eyes, Harvey glared at her, and then went into his apartment and closed the door behind him.

How dare she?

How dare she demand his time to talk when she refused to talk to him about her true reasons for leaving?

If she came here to tell him about her relationship, she could save her breath. There was nothing she could tell him that he wanted to hear. Why the hell would he want to hear that she made an exception for that piece of shit that was a sorry excuse for a man? How did her telling him face to face make a difference?

"Fuck her," Harvey angrily mouth. "Fuck her."

* * *

Outside Harvey's door, Donna walked to the elevator in a daze.

She wasn't used to Harvey dishing ultimatum or walking away.

What was going on?

A/N: sorry for some repetition, but it was necessary. And the chapter needed to end this way to set up the future events of the next chapter or two.


End file.
